Tag: Holiday

Starbucks Orders 3 Beheadings Over Employees Failing To Fulfill Fatwa

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written By Pastor John Mathewson

Starbucks, the company that sells Islamic coffee to American-loving patriots on Christmas season, has continued its war against American values by executing three of its managers for not complying with the “Starbucks Standards”. Starbucks has long been a brand for the social justice warriors (internet democrats) and Marxists that want to see an end of American culture and almost equally important, Christmas. It is not unusual for Starbucks to be particularly irresponsible around the Christmas season, as their company may have been responsible for the War on Chrismas Tragedy of 2017. Starbucks has also been known to have connections to Antifa, as they share the same company values (the destruction of the American Dream).

Starbucks ordered their yearly fatwa to the menu for this holiday season and their first that did not involve their red recycling programs. The top three worst-performing Starbucks locations would have their managers subject to a beheading and/or decapitation for their managers for not living up to the “Starbucks Standards”, an English translation of the Quran. While the Starbucks Standards is not the entire Quran, all parts of the Starbucks Standards are referenced back to the Quran and the Islamic religion, the same religion of their founder and two-time Ex-CEO Howard Schultz. The three locations of the beheadings and/or possible decapitations is not known at this time, due to police fears of riots at the locations.

Our three unfortunate victims of this latest War on Christmas fatality were Hannah Robinson, 27, Pablo Calzoni, 49, and Little Jon Kim, 67. May we honor their memories this upcoming Christmas and for all Christmases in the future, for they died as martyrs of the Christian faith, chosen by our Lord and his son Jesus, to defend Christendom from the Godless Islamic Barbarians that drink their coffee from Starbucks. They will not be able to come home and celebrate Christmas with their heterosexual families.

2019 is a stark reminder to our fellow Christians everywhere that we do not live in safety, not even in the United States during the Christmas season. For as long as evil companies like Starbucks and the politicians who support their right to exist like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer keep enabling their behavior, we are all at risk to not witness another Christmas. They defend Starbucks by claiming it falls under their company’s Second Amendment rights in order to justify Saudi Arabian-like executions on its poorest-performing managers. What may appear as an attempt to show a no-tolerance policy to make a strong statement against company inefficiency and promoting worker productivity is really just a public relations excuse to commit legally permitted fatwas under their Sharia Law approved, Islam-endorsed “Starbucks Standards”.

I fear this is not the last time we’ll hear about the Godless Islamic Barbarians and their crusade against Christmas and the millions, if not billions, of Christmas celebrators. They will not stop us, but they will attempt to destroy our might to weaken us. We must keep our guard out and watch ourselves, for we can’t trust the Democratic Party and their feebleminded worldviews to defend our right to be merry. But until the next attack, from Starbucks or any other (more likely than not) Democratic Party-endorsed corporation like Costco, we must remain vigilant and stand our ground.

But until the next attack, and if I happen to be the next victim of this unjust war against religious liberty, I say to you all: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Hebrew Israelites, excluding Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Happy Thanksgiving, NOT INDIGENOUS PEOPLE’S DAY

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq

Salutations to my fellow Americans that wish to enjoy a fried, roasted turkey on one of America’s finest holidays, Thanksgiving. It’s the holiday where we give thanks to our fellow Republican Americans for their courageous effort to counter the rise of the Soviet socialist surge our wonderful country has faced since the rise of Hillary Clinton and her Benghazi schemes. These dangerous socialists do not like Thanksgiving because of the holidays alleged “oppression” (big go-to word for liberals to decry something they have no control over) towards “indigenous people”. Sadly, we cannot ignore these deranged loonies that inhabit within our country, but we can surely tell them why they are wrong.

First of all, there is no such thing as “indigenous people”, it is a made-up word from the Noam Chomsky variety. There are Indians that existed in this country before the White man, sure. That’s how the origin story of Thanksgiving begins, when the first Americans started to settle in this new frontier (now named “North America”) they wanted to greet the Indians and taught them how to eat food and later, drink wine. Too much wine, but I digress. The Indians were grateful for the first Americans to give them food and that’s where the word “thanksgiving” originated, they were given food and were thankful for it, much like your children and the babies and your ungrateful feminist aunt Georgia for lecturing you about how poor people are victims of circumstance rather than being lazy indignant leeches of public welfare.

The word “indigenous” was invented by swines like my ungrateful aunt Georgia in order to dispell the notion that the Indians were the original Americans. They weren’t. Otherwise, we would be calling them “Native Americans” or what have you. They were not native to the land, they were Indian to the land. We do not tell our fellow American brothers “Happy Indigenous People Day”, that’s too many syllables. We call this holiday, “Thanksgiving” because it’s about thanking our first settlers for their prosperous trade of food for land. It is because of their valiant efforts that we can live in harmony and away from the savagery that is the Godless Islamic Barbarians that want to destroy America and recreate multiple 9/11 events. What is so “indigenous” about it? Don’t answer that rhetorical question, because there is no word “indigenous” in the dictionary. It is a farce.

By referring to our historic and cherished ancestry of Thanksgiving as “Indigenous People’s Day”, we are dramatically changing our culture and traditions that have been long preserved to halt socialist and homosexual intrusions into our mighty culture. We cannot let the Democratic Party attempt to change our culture anymore, they wanted to kill Christopher Columbus and we refused. They cannot take our Thanksgiving away from the common man who wants to eat his turkey and yams and watch the football program in peace. No more shall we let liberals control the discourse of our country which was rightfully won by President Donald Trump and his smart campaign team of knowledgable intellectuals such as myself.

As we fight to prolong and conserve our conservative culture, we shall acknowledge and celebrate Thanksgiving for the holiday that it is, and not some made-up mumbo-jumbo hogwash the liberal socialists invented to scare our fellow Americans from celebrating a noble and sacred holiday with no controversial origins in it whatsoever. It is such a liberal viewpoint to destroy what ordinary Americans much like myself view as “fun and non-threatening”. We cannot let them win. Celebrate Thanksgiving, and NOT “Indigenous People’s Day”.

And once again, Happy Thanksgiving. May you eat the largest and healthiest turkeys your plot of land brings to you, and drink as much wine and alcohol as you can muster. And remember, Black Lives Matter is a hate group, and happy Black Friday.

Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News historian and correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston with his dog, Jefferey.

Black Lives Matter Is A Hate Group, Happy Black Friday

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written By Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Ph.D., Esq

First, I would like to say happy Black Friday from Bullshit News! May your sweet deals ever benefit my continually growing stock portfolio. Second, Black Lives Matter is a hate group. They dislike capitalism, liberty, and freedom equally. They are anti-American by definition and must be stopped by any means necessary. Their radical agenda reflects those of the ruthless Black Panthers and the Civil Rights Bad Guys from the ’50s and ’60s. It is an ideology based on Black Supremacy, a hatred rooted deeply from a similar form of Godless Islamic Barbaric extremism. The Black Lives Matter militia has conquered southern Detroit and yet the Hussein Obama administration has done nothing to address this! They harbor terrorism consciousness and want to make the American economy rupture into nothingness. They plan to accomplish this with a “National Black Friday Boycott”, to attack capitalism at its source: the American Heartland.

The Black Lives Matter militia want the United States of America to become the “United States of Africa”, by claiming that America is a country based on “stolen land”. That is patently false, the earliest Americans were explorers looking to go westward to claim the continent as God intended. Any interaction with the mythos of “Native Americans” was done appropriately, by bartering goods/food for land. The Black Lives Matter crowd has evidently never read a history textbook, which would refute all of their ludicrous claims. Even the early settlers in American history were African-American in origin when they went off to Oregon and California for manifest destiny. The Black Lives Matter believe in a warped sense of history, believing that average every day Americans have “oppressed” them for far too long, hence their desire to take extremist action.

For liberals that are attempting to analyze my irrefutable logic, the Black Lives Matter militia do not want you to save money by shopping today. They want you to boycott the holiday because it “oppresses black lives around the world”. Listening to them is a form of appeasement, a logic tactic no different from England being okay with Nazi Germany invading Poland and France. First Black Lives Matter will issue an order, then they will make their demands louder and bolder until they get what they want. This is a common element of extremist movements: constantly begging to get what they want or they will issue violence. Ignoring these kinds of statements will lead to more deaths by angry leftists that refuse to work. South Detroit and Kaepernick were only the beginning of Black Lives Matter’s conquest for Black Supremacy.

Finally, Bullshit News would like to thank everyone that participates in “Black Friday” today. This is one of the more important days in American history that move the Economy ball rolling. Keep spending fellow Bullshiteers, capitalism can only work when we all work for it. Don’t listen to the Black Lives Matter lies about not purchasing greatly discounted goods in order to appease their movement, spend as much as you can today! The more powerful the U.S. economy is, the less powerful hateful extremist groups like Black Lives Matter become. The free market will always win, a black hand is not an invisible hand. It would be clearly visible.

 

Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston.