Written by Pastor John Mathewson

The internet has been one of the most revolutionary inventions in the entire world. As a writer on the first conservative website on the world-wide-web, a feat that took twenty-two years, there is a shockingly disgusting amount of pornography on the Internet. Such smut is a shocking display of immorality designed to destroy Christianity from the inside out. Something must be done to remove all these photos of scantily clad women and men pornifying our society.

Sexual intercourse is for procreation purposes only. Unless you’re Barack Obama and want kindergarteners to start breeding to create more Democrats. Pornography in our society encourages the women to engage in abortion, a cardinal sin for almost all religions, even for Catholics. The creation of life is the most important aspect of our existence, and masturbation is some sick game that results in spilling important seeds needed to fertilize our women. All sperm is sacred, and any needless drop of sperm as the result of pornography graphically assaults our society and damages the minds of children awaiting God’s glory.

There should be no surprise that liberals are in favor of masturbation, calling it a “personal liberty”. Democrats don’t understand true freedom is being able to procreate without heinous non-sperm producing devices such as “dildos”, “vibrators”, or any other Satanic-influenced device. It makes perfect sense that Democrats suffer from low testosterone, and are unable to multiply fruitfully, coming from their vegetarian or “vegan” diets based in soy and not testosterone-filled red meat. Thus, the Democrats must use pornography in order to concede to the fact that they are being outnumbered by fertile Republicans. The Democratic Party is a dying breed.

Beyond the so-called “women’s liberation” permitting the legalization of pornography in America, the over-abundance of pornography in our society poses an existential threat to our species. Young boys will prefer to masturbate over finding an ideal humble Christian woman to marry. With more distractions from “smartphones”, condoms, and other pornographic devices that distract our children, what can we do to repurify these millennials? I’m glad you let me ask because my solution is easy and has worked in every era in every generation of human history: the Bible. The Bible educates everyone about the sanctity of life and teaches us the dangers of immorality in our society, like murder, adultery and of course, pornography and masturbation. I lock all the apps on my children’s phones except for The Bible, as technology these days are much too lax and allow such vile filth to be promoted everywhere.

Sadly, the Bible by itself does not end the nonstop distribution of pornography that spreads like a Northern California wildfire. But we have some help in destroying the vile pornography industry. Vice President Mike Pence believes in our mission that pornography is an evil sin that should be banned throughout America. The pornography industry has created a social construction called “sex work”, which is not exclusive to prostitution, pin-up modeling or mutual masturbation. Such “sex work” involves women wearing hardly any clothing at all, soliciting “tokens” on a web-operated camera which can be used to inherit American dollars. These e-harlots refuse to do legal occupations and operate in black markets offline as well. They are agents of sexual trafficking and should be prosecuted as such. The Bible would consider such atrocious acts as sodomy as well.

While many consider the invention of the World Wide Web to be a blessing, it reaps what it sows in morality. The amount of pure evil and vile and shocking displays of “human sexuality” is the decaying moral agent within our society that causes civilization to break down. Such decadence encourages liberal/judicial activism, higher divorce rates, and promoting the Gay Agenda. We must retaliate with the one Book that guides us all under God’s light, and it doesn’t come from “Pornhub”, it comes from Jesus. Jesus, please save our children from the easily-accessible pornography that runs rampant on the world-wide-web. They can’t help themselves.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Evangelicals, excluding Presbyterians. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.