Are Leaf Blowers Turning American Men Into Homosexuals?

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

One of the finest American-machine inventions, the leaf blower, was crafted in the industrial age when the pursuit of life, living, and the other less-useful pursuit of happiness were distinguished American rights so long as you followed and dedicated your life towards Manifest Destiny. Such inventions like the Leaf Blower and the DVD Rewinder are sublime examples of America’s passion for innovation and desire to be many steps ahead of the world when it comes to technology. However, just because technology is serviceable to the majority of people on our planet does not necessarily mean that it is good. Rather, it can be a cautionary tale about mankind’s efforts to thwart technology has failed, and that technology is really the ones controlling us. Rather than indulge in some liberal science fiction piece, there is a serious problem on our hands with American blue-collar technology: it is turning our precious masculine American men into American-hating homosexuals.

The Leaf Blower, in particular, is an invention of the USSR and Mexico as a way to get rid of a swarm of leaves that plagued the Mexican-USSR embassy. An invention combined from two nefarious countries, the origin story of the Leaf Blower has been disputed by the CNN-led FBI and CIA. Undisclosed documents presented to us by an anonymous employee of the NSA have given us more extensive details about the real reasons why the Leaf Blower is still around despite massive improvements to American technology over the decade. Nowadays, if ones’ house has a major leaf problem, lasers may be used to burn the leaves into nothingness or leaves can be tossed away via the use of a shovel, but for some odd reason, the leaf blower is still around and always announces its presence.

The Mexicans and Communist Russians designed the device to be as noisy as possible in order to attract inventors to the device as a way to let them know that it works, but that same noise that leaf blowers create also emits a low-frequency oscillator signal that can only be heard if ones’ brain orients in a homosexual manner. These signals are effectively a form of radio that only homosexuals and the occasional lesbian can hear. Bullshit News could not find a strong confident gay conservative man to help us decode what these signals are, but it’s not just morse code, it’s something (possibly) far, far worse. It’s a form of terrorist communication that can be used by ISIS or Islamic Jihad to crush America and cause another 9/11 attack, effectively making leaf blowers an object of terrorism.

But leaf blowers do more than just cause terrorism and/or let it happen, the leaf blower appears on the outside like a common, heteronormative tool for yard work. The leaf blower is very attractive to the American homosexual market due to its sound capabilities. It’s noisy, vuvuzela-like mating call attracts many homosexuals and Catholics to the call of duty–to move leaves away from a desired area. Leaf Blowers are known to be common apparatuses in the night club/discotheque scene, very much so in Europe. Once a symbol of blue-collar labor has now become a “gay icon”, or a reputable image of the homosexual agenda. Because of its un-American roots and recent acclaim from the gay community, it is time to make leaf blowers illegal in America as they will threaten the next generation of proud and strong young American men, and will discourage them from joining the armed forces because they will find leaf blowers more engaging than rocket launchers. That is not an America for my son to grow up in to find a suitable mate and bring them to church.

My son is going to become a pastor much like my great-grandfather and his son like my father, and yet my son can’t stop going outside with his leaf blower trying to find the “Pokemon Go”. He doesn’t know that the Mexican-USSR created homosexual agenda-supporting device is trying to convert him under its homosexual spell, and I fear as a parent and not a minister of Jesus that he will not follow our families’ honored commitment toward God and helping our community. Instead, he uses the leaf blower to find his “Charizard” or “Shiny Pidgey”, and doesn’t even care about Exodus or Leviticus! I’m worried these leaf blowers will be used to suck up our children and spit them away from the Bible. My child should be cherished in a world where all he needs to do is to go on his knees and praise Jesus every day, he does not need to worry about Pokemon or leaf blowers!!

Because of these actions, my church has effectively banned the leaf blower as I now understand that it lures homosexuality towards our house of God, and something so abhorrent like homosexuality cannot possibly be part of communion with Jesus himself. I can see why Catholics would like and employ the use of the Leaf Blower, but not with my personal relationship with God and my church. Once the Gay Agenda tried to recruit my son with the Pokemon Go, that’s when I knew action had to be taken. Purge the leaf blowers and read the good book!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Zoroastrianism, excluding Unitarianism. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

The “Resistance” Is A Phony Russian Lie

Written By Carlos Gutierrez

It is no secret a large percent of Americans, patriotic or otherwise, do not like our current commander-in-chief, our President, Donald J. Trump. Certain officials in the government have been accused of committing nefarious government misconduct and ethical mishaps, but every administration falls to this. It’s natural, it’s politics. There have been polls in the mainstream media that allegedly assume that President Donald Trump is widely unpopular, but all polls in the media reflect the past and not the present. And the present is what ultimately matters when it comes to presidential favorability. Did polls save Albania from total communism and the USSR? They did not. So let’s talk about the “Resistance” movement and their history associated with the Flat Earth movement.

The “Resistance” propaganda movement is created and organized by young Russian internet “trolls” called the Internet Research Agency that want to make President Donald Trump appear unnaturally unpopular so that immorberal Democrats and so-called “Never Trumpers”, ex-GOP members that refused to pledge loyalty towards the President,  can criticize the president openly in public and in opinion columns without fear. As with most Russian nonsense, what are these so-called people “resisting”? Donald Trump has only opened more entries towards freedom under his presidency, including tax cuts, and are we supposed to assume this “large number” of Resisters are not paying taxes in order to attempt a coup d’etat on the American government? Fat chance, Russia! This is one but many tricks the Internet Research Agency acts on to benefit Russia and try and steal American liberty.

As we bring up the Internet Research Agency, it is only right that we at Bullshit News must share an ethical disclaimer: The Internet Research Agency has attacked Bullshit News in the past, claiming that Bullshit News supports the Flat Earth movement in an effort to prove that our website is not loyal enough towards the American government, and invalidates NASA’s accomplishments in kicking Soviet ass in the 1960s under President Nixon. None of the stories regarding Bullshit News as a primary source or any source for “Flat Earth” news is false. We are a patriotic site for proud Americans, and the first such site available on the World Wide Web. The Internet Research Agency was founded earlier this decade. We have no affiliation or coordination with communism and teenaged “trolls”.

Other phony goals of the “Resistance” movement involve a desire to elect American socialist Bernie Sanders into office so that he may support the Russian government in an effort to bring America many new ice cream flavors, an action of outsourcing American jobs for brain-numbing socialism. Among other, more well-known issues on their platform involve the removal of the Immigration Customs Enforcement agency, raise taxes for everyone, and the installation of guillotines in every downtown American city or suburb. Their radical and ridiculous platform has caught the eye of the prized political market demographic of 18-35-year-olds, and captivated their attention, but not for too long. The 18-35 demographic group’s trends fluctuate wildly, and socialism can be viewed as a thing of the past for young urban professionals according to my analysis.

There is no coincidence that the “Flat Earth” movement has propped up at the same time as the “Resistance” movement. They are two projects under the same umbrella of the Russian government’s attempt to prevent capitalism from being the dominant social paradigm. Their long lost tradition of communism has prevented them from ever accepting even some of the most essential and common sense tenets of capitalism. Simply put, Russia cannot and ever will assimilate to the modern world. All Russia has is propaganda, and that’s more than enough to pretend to sow turmoil in America and give President Trump a hard time in the White House.

President Trump has done his best to counter Russia propaganda experts by meeting Vladimir Putin and telling him to stop his efforts, and according to President Trump, Putin did listen. Where do you see these “Resistance” people in public anyway? They are only an online digital presence, which makes it appear that Russia’s effort to create discord in America has failed. There is no Resistance, as everyone has enabled Donald Trump to become one of the best presidents America has ever elected. But expect this “Resistance” movement to prop up again anytime this year or next year, as the Internet Research Agency will ramp up its efforts to undermine President Trump and move America closer towards communism under Bernie “Supporter of the Sandinistas” Sanders.

Carlos Gutierrez is the Bullshit News correspondent on Criminal Justice Issues, Immigration, and Russian Propaganda. He was born in Corpus Christi, Texas and is as American as you or anyone else that isn’t Irish or Italian. Devoted to his local Catholic Church, Carlos is an active member of his community and goes to church every Sunday, before the Cowboys game. Carlos worked on the 2016 Ted Cruz presidential campaign before coming to Bullshit News.

President Trump Considers Selling Alaska Back To Russia

Written by Pavel Shostakovich

Citing a large national debt problem and insufficient need for a state that cannot be accessed by a highway, President Trump has considered removing Alaska from the Union. This would be highly beneficial to the Union of the States United, as Alaska is a liberal state surrounded by Canada: a land of ice and French hippies. Selling Alaska back to Russia would give America a very high return of investment, and we know how much Donald Trump loves ending deficits in the State of America!

Alaska is a liberal state that is closer to Russia and the Russians than a common American Apple Pie and Empire State Building. They vote at end of election, not beginning, meaning they are a waste of voters and space for natural minerals, unmined from the Carter Administration. Imagine all the oil America could use instead of sucking it up from a straw in the Middle East. “Now that is a spicy meat-a-ball!”

It is no secret that the previous string of presidents up to Ronald Reagan was involved in giving America a giant debt with a spending deficit in order to create political problems when they otherwise had none in the 18th-19th and most of the 20th century. The territory of Alaska was manufactured in 1867 when Russia was in a similar situation like America today, in debt and need of profit. Alaska “officially” entered statehood in  It is tables have turned time. It is not like Alaska is going for good use, it’s no Hawaii or Arizona.

Besides, Alaska is always cold. It is useless for tourism and other business ventures. People have Seaworlds all over America, what could make Alaska SeaWorld more special? Glaciers? A “Meet the Titanic”? Please. Alaska is backward like The Ukraine. Canada did not bother to even invade the territory, hence its existence. America can expand its borders in more financially relevant areas, like Syria. Alaska makes no sense and the USSR is no longer in operation to worry about any longer. America’s debt is huge, and big sacrifices need to be made for the glorious benefit of a continual existence of the United States of America. It is through this country that I achieved the American Dream and do not have to hear my door every night to make sure KGB doesn’t hear. In America, you only worry about paying landlord on time, and taxes. It is more peaceful, although taxes are just as unpleasant.

At the time of this article, the United States debt stands at $21,222,747,669,999. There might be interest rates as well, adding on to that number I cannot pronounce. Selling off Alaska, which gives America only a mere $49,120,000,000 in GDP, can be sold for much more than that amount of billions. While selling Alaska will not completely erase America’s debt, it sure does a much better job than the Obama Administration’s failed efforts to conquer the problem. America will always find a 50th state somewhere in the world in order to save money on not ordering new American flags for everyone. The Dakotas could merge, Guam can enter statehood, or Mexico can concede more land. Regardless, alleviating the national debt is better than not doing so.

Russia has strong interest in re-acquiring Alaska, and they look to be big spenders. President Trump has always made it his dream since he was a little lad to end America’s deficit problems and Russia can help make Donald Trump have a superstar-like legacy as president if he cures America’s biggest problem. President Trump knows what the right thing to do, and perhaps it is better to start selling off some assets to solve a seemingly improbable situation rather than initiate a trade war with some inferior and weaker country like Albania or whatever.

Pavel Shostakovich is Bullshit News’ newest correspondent reporting on Russian and European Affairs. He is a naturalized American citizen whose parents escaped Communist tyranny in Russia, AND NOT BELARUS. Pavel studied political science at the Universty of Pennslyvania and is a member of the Federalist Society. 

President Donald J. Trump Is Not A Criminal

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-In-Chief and Founder of Bullshit News

The donkeycrat asinine conspiracies about the treasonous elephant in the room must be addressed. The 45th President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump, has been accused of being involved in criminal activities by the mainstream media since day one of his 2016 Presidential Campaign to Make America Great Again. This has been completely unheard of in American history, no other President has been as stigmatized by the libelous media in recorded history than President Donald Trump. It’s as if George Washington himself was seen as a traitor that wanted to collude with the Indians to create his own nation-state against the then newly created United States. Why has the liberal media conjectured conspiracy theories to dismantle our countries unity? Donald Trump won his election fair and square, a long time ago might I add. Liberals refuse to concede their power to support a standing President of the United States, which is very unusual even for those treasonous bastards.

One of these many Democratic Party conspiracy theories involves that Donald Trump, a lifelong American patriotic businessman who embodies the American Dream, was accused of receiving assistance from the Russian government to help win his election. Bullshit News has already covered the so-called Russian collusion accusations, which you can read by clicking on this sentence. President Trump’s name has already been cleared by this conspiracy theory, according to the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence. Devin Nunes, who is the head of the committee, has announced that they have finished their year-long report and have seen zero evidence of any Russian involvement in the election.  In their meticulous report, there was, “no evidence of collusion, coordination, or conspiracy between the Trump campaign and the Russians”. The legal language can’t be any clearer than that.

This witch hunt has also traced President Trump’s past back to his real estate and reality TV star duel-life career. Why are people accusing a successful entrepreneur of finding some way to cheat to where he is today? He is no Bernie Madoff or Jordan Belfort in finding ways of accumulating his wealth, he’s worked long and hard, hours if not days on end non-stop to find ways to increase his net worth. He innovated the idea of having children to work on his businesses and profited tremendously by building large towers in New York City and across the non-American world with a household brand: Trump. If Democrats could find ways to make money like Donald has, maybe they wouldn’t be in the debt they’re in.

And among the vilest, immorberal (immoral/liberal), and most libelous claim the Mainstream Media has claimed to date was that President Donald Trump was having an affair with an “esteemed pornographic film actress” named Stormy Daniels. Have the Democrats gotten this desperate that they had to hire 18-year-olds to be their opposition research team? Did they get their fresh ideas from the gay-Jewish mecca of Broadway Hollywood? The Democratic Party, in a radically fascist attempt to seize power from a fair and toughly fought election, have paid an actress from movies like “Dripping Wet Sex 4”, “Space Nuts”, and “Trailor Trash Nurses 6” to sue the President of the United States and do what Crooked Hillary Clinton could never do, win the Electoral College. No other president, aside from perhaps Richard Nixon or Warren Harding, has had to endure such strife in fictitious and ludicrous scandals invented by a party that isn’t just bankrupt with ideas, but one that is powerless and continues to grasp at straws. For goodness’ sake, they ran a socialist as one of their nominees in 2016 and he finished in second place.

Bullshit News has declared red alert on our Mission Statement. The Democrats are attempting to overthrow God and install some Jimmy Carter dope fiend, flower power puppet in place. Perhaps Stormy Daniels could become president in the unrealistic and fictional world where she wins her lawsuit and Trump unconditionally surrenders his presidency. The Democratic Party has now begun to assert bolshevik means of usurping power, such governmental actions unseen since the Red Revolution in the USSR. The Democrats are seeking to overthrow the government of the United States. In retaliation to reassert his power, Donald Trump hired John Bolton to be his next National Security Advisor. John Bolton is known to be tough and assertive to get things done diplomatically and for national security. He is a “Hawk”, someone to be feared across the world like Henry Kissinger. This is how Donald Trump thinks intellectually, the opposite of how criminals and drug users think, Donald plans ahead. He has a bright and glowing future for a second term, unlike the democratic celebrity drug addicts.

Do not be deceived by the libelous mainstream media and their socially constructed lies about Donald Trump’s prestigious background and business acumen. They are manufactured by the same media conglomerates that give you the Disney movies, Time Warner’s NBA basketball, Viacom’s reality TV shows, Fox’s “The Simpsons” and “Family Guy”, and Comcast Xfinity’s everything. These corporations, the most mainstream of mainstream media, colluded together to pull strings for Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama’s radical socialist agenda to overthrow Republican power. But fear not, if the mainstream media were truly powerful they would have won the 2016 Presidential Election. But you, the informed Republican conservative voters, have proved the demagogue Democratic Party totally wrong. Bullshit News salutes to your valiant efforts, but the war is still going on. The Democrats falsely claimed to have risen like a drunken phoenix barrel rolling its way from the debt ashes.

Remain on high alert. Do not believe the media. Believe in the only conservative website on the net that sticks it to the man without relying on Matt Drudge sensationalism. Rely on Bullshit News as your political rhetoric and website/weapon of choice. Donald J. Trump is not a criminal. Believe it from us, Straight From The Source©.

Don Kaftan is the founder of Bullshitnews.org.  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. Don Kaftan was mentioned on William F. Buckley’s deathbed as future conservatives that speak the most truth to power. Don considers this to be the highest honor in the world after being married to his wife and being born into this world by the grace of God.