Tag: satanic

Joe Biden Is The Anti-Christ

~ DonKaftan ~ 13 Comments

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

It is no secret that our wondrous, first place country THE United States of America, has been going through some “turbulence” so to speak. Some folks are out here proclaiming America is going through a bout of fictional highly infectious diseases and also has to deal with a largely astroturfed opposition against our faithful President Trump and his desire to Make America Great Again. The Democrats behind their crazy frantic leader Nancy Pelosi have made Joe Biden their nominee for the elections in November. But who is this Joe Biden, and how come this average dumbfounded American was chosen to run against Donald Trump? I have a very simple answer for you all my friends.

Joe Biden was formerly a Senator for the state of Delaware: an area of the US that only exists for almanac aficionados. To enter Delaware, you need to put your hand on this book called the “Necronomicon”, a wretched literature detailing dark alchemy and an introduction to satanic rituals. Delaware is also known for being a pro-tax state, having many companies call Delaware their home for tax-specific purposes in order to prove that Delaware really exists. Joe Biden founded the state of Delaware as a means to avoid paying taxes, only to end up being involved in a major scheme helped out by Enron, America’s (formerly) only liberal gas and oil company. Rather than facing a stern punishment of life in prison or even capital punishment over attempting to create a tax haven in the United States, Joe Biden went an unconventional route, he ran for office and won his “election” that no one seriously thought to look deeply into. As a result, Joe Biden was a Senator for 36 years instead of accepting his capital punishment and/or facing life in prison.

But that is far from the most deeply shameful thing about satanic Senator Joe Biden. His “accomplishments” have made him the Vice President of the dismal 8 year Barack Obama regime of destruction and apologies. Biden was complicit in crashing the economy once in 2008 and is rumored to have a role with the Bernie Sanders campaign over creating the Coronavirus, which of course doesn’t actually exist but yet somehow does in spite of facts, physics or prayer. In these 8 years of trying to destroy America from the inside out, Biden found a new form of spiritual reawakening, only instead of being correct as a newborn Christian, he went to hell to deal with Satan instead like a career politician.

In hell, Biden met Satan while Biden was undergoing satanic brain surgery to fix what was broken inside of him (his spirit and according to rumors, his “mojo”). Satan told Biden that he would easily be the next President of America because of his charisma and “go-getter” attitude could stop the unstoppable Trump. Then they held a ritual which caused a volcano in Iceland to erupt and prevent me from going to my flight to Ireland for almost two weeks. That volcano was a sign of things worse to come.

So now that we’ve established that Joe Biden is a product of Satan, we need to explain his rise to becoming an Anti-Christ Superstar. He worked to destroy some of the finer aspects of our American Economy such as bailing off our automobile companies, advocated for institutional evolution courses to convince children that God isn’t real, planted condoms in kindergarten classes to encourage nearly infantile Democratic Party members to breed “early and often”, and has fake teeth (another sign from the Bible about the Anti-Christ). Biden has done nothing in his life to prove he has trustworthiness, but won his votes in “Delaware” for 30 years by running unopposed, with each person that ran against Biden disappeared under mysterious circumstances, perhaps relating to Biden’s role with the Clinton Foundation. He has never proven once in his 36+ years of politics that he is an intellectually capable and moral enough to be purely human. He had help from Satan to become a one-winged angel. 

Joe Biden isn’t some harmless old man that wants to become the next President of America, he is a dangerous fanatical ideologue who reads the Kabbalah and the Necronomicon to poor children in order to convert them to the Democratic Party, corroding their hearts and poisoning their minds. Biden is a man deeply routed in the hated of our country, a charismatic man whose smile smites an entire cul-de-sac. He is the Democratic Party’s best shot at defeating Trump, and he wants to overthrow your Democracy. Do not let him destroy America in November, pray for him instead.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Sunni Islam, excluding Presbyterians. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Democrats Engage In Satanic Ritual In Order To Revive Top DNC Donor Jeffery Epstein

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written by Roger Goodmen

With the stellar success of the Donald Trump administration these last four years, it has made many top donors of the Democratic Party quit in order to support a real winning team, much like how LeBron James joined the Miami Heat and became the “king” of basketball, abandoning Cleveland and their wretched left-wing policies regarding monarchial status. One infamous donor has come up time and time again in donating to the Democratic Party since their failed coup d’etat against Reagan with Michael Dukakis. That man would be legendary pedophile billionaire and ex-socialist, Jeffery Epstein.

Since 2016, the DNC has been in dire straits and has been more desperate than ever before in needing money to survive as an institution designed to take money away from the people. The ‘Me Too” movement began to out various Democratic Party members as extorting women for money, knowing that if women could afford various expenditures like make-up cosmetics and the latest in cotton blood-absorbing technology, they can afford to also support the Democratic Party. The “Me Too” movement has caused men like Jeffery Epstein and the “Merry Pranksters”, a highly exclusive cabal of the top 5 male DNC donors, to be publicly ostracized and could no longer donate to the DNC out of fear of a chapter 7 bankruptcy. With the recent passing of Epstein, the DNC has looked into the means of ouija board or other forms of satanic rituals as a means to get confirmation into Epstein’s estate via clauses in his will.

The origins of Epstein’s wealth (estimated to be 3 billion dollars) have been disputed, but several theories have been proven correct by our lone Bullshit News accountant, “John Mannan”. One of the more plausible theories is Epstein’s expert ability to solicit bribes from the families he has tormented (a real bogey man) in nearly every attempt he has pursued. However, his role as being the ringleader of the “Merry Pranksters” is how, on paper at least, he made the majority of his income. Epstein has a large list of connections to the top 5 donors of the Democratic Party, one of which is the infamous Islamic CEO of Starbucks, Howard Schultz. Schultz and Epstein were childhood friends and went to school together, sharing the same “magic” school bus. Their school bus would be the origin point to their business models that have to lead to their “successful careers”. It should go without saying that current Democratic Party Presidential Candidate Michael Bloomberg would also board on this same school bus and was a Prankster, boarding that “bus” only a year earlier than Schultz and Epstein, as a Second Grader ostracized from kids of his own grade, would take refuge with the other pranksters before being satanically ceremoniously became their dear leader.

This was not any ordinary school bus, it was a satanic “magic” school bus. Epstein, Schultz, Bloomberg, movie producer Harvey Weinstein, and ex-President Bill Clinton were known as the “Merry Pranksters”, an evil pedophile and illicit drug syndicate that controlled the drug trade of adolescents of the Eastern United States. Together, they helped each other achieve fame and fortunes that made them household names, for worse or for worser. They would use the Democratic Party has a front to deposit their money (“in the short term”) while riding on the DNC’s credit cards to commit their reprehensible and deplorable actions on the American populace. They were smart enough to gain the system to know that the intelligence agencies and the IRS would never dare to look at how political parties achieve their donations. It’s beyond the scope of their duties.

Some people would jump to the conclusion that the fearsome foursome of the “Merry Pranksters” was a part of the “deep state”, which is a big misconception. They were the government. Bill Clinton went so far into the DNC that he became the President Of The United States. They controlled the more sinister political party of the two with a cold heart and a strong desire to spend America into eternal debt and condemnation. Furthermore, such claims about a “deep state” existing are mere attempts to obfuscate the gigantic fact that the Democratic Party is a racket. If they weren’t a political party, they would be RICO Act’ed into oblivion.

But of course, all of this is in the past. The Democratic Party of today decided on a more “progressive” path to political fundraising without the needs of the “Merry Pranksters”, and the results have been devastating. The Democratic Party has felt that they have no other choice but to channel the Prince of Darkness Satan himself in order to get a whiff into the possibility of obtaining Epstein’s estate before it is seized by President Trump’s administration. Time will tell if their satanic ritual and possible human or animal sacrifice will help them in the 2020 election.

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.