Tag: Christiandom

Santa Claus Killed By The Intolerant Left

~ DonKaftan ~ Leave a comment

Written by Rachel Gilfords

It brings me absolutely zero pleasure in reporting this, but Santa Claus also known as St. Nick or “The Gift-Giver” to all has been found dead in a ditch just outside Albuquerque, New Mexico late last night on Christmas Eve. While the cause of death by the coroner states that Santa suffered a “Cerebral Hemorrhage”, an unmistakably violent death, it was not ruled a homicide. While Santa Claus is a bipartisan figure, even a hero to all the good children in the United States and even Europe, this was an assassination doomed to happen. While details of the alleged assassination plot have not gone public, this was very clearly a planned and calculated murder. But by whom?

While many on the intolerant left joke about the War on Christmas not being a real phenomenon, it very much is real. The intolerable, intolerant Left have always despised Christmas and have strong desires to ruin Christmas by replacing “Merry Christmas” with “Merry Holidays”, as well as removing all known references to Christmas from the public eye and replacing them with the dreaded “Holiday”. Santa Claus’s demise should have been more apparent, as the Intolerant Left (Liberals, Antifa, and Islam) have calculated for decades about killing Santa Claus in order to “win” the War on Christmas for good. Long have we ignored their prophecies about their desires to end Christmas or spread some pagan nonsense fantasies about killing Santa Claus, and this was our failure to prevent this tragedy from occuring.

While Santa did not have time to deliver the vast majority of his presents along the Western United States, he managed to have enough time to help the rest of God’s beloved children in the real, more important parts of the United States and the rest of the world. “St. Nick” was considered one of the most beloved people on Planet Earth, even the Jews who don’t celebrate Christmas (just wait till the rapture, Jews) considered Santa Claus a good person, something they would never dare say about Christ Himself. St. Nick was a generous man with a seemingly limitless supply of presents to give to good children, and coal with a tax rebate to all the patently evil non-conforming children. He was as kind to everyone as Dolly Parton and Ronald Reagan have done to the poor. Someone as selfless and caring as Santa Claus could have only been killed by wicked thugs from the Intolerant Left that hate anyone that does not conform to their evil socialist policies. Even as Santa gives gifts for free in acts that are generally seen as benevolent and kind, the evil trade unionists disagree.

The fact that Santa Claus’s death was not given a through investigation by the Bernalillo County Coroner office is suspicious enough to be considered a collusion effort from the coroner to the as of yet unnamed leftist group of Santa Claus assassins is highly suspicious and rings in thoughts of conspiracy. New Mexico historically has voted against God (they voted for Hillary and Biden), and would be the ideal place of these assassins to kill Santa Claus because California would’ve been too obvious. Bullshit News will keep you informed about this news in more detail once this evil group is captured and hopefully locked behind bars, preferably in Guantanamo Bay for legal reasons. He may have a successor, he has a chance to rise again like another well-known person to save us from ourselves.

Thank you for all that you have done Santa, we will avenge your needless death with blood. Until then, we wish all of you and your families a joyful and delightful Merry Christmas, and to not let Santa Claus’s death effect you or your children. We must not the leftists claim another victory in this hollowed out, broken year. MARRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!!!



Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent, On-Field Reporter and a correspondent on religions that are not Christianity-affiliated or Judaism. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in all news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.

Is Q and his ‘QAnon’ The Second Coming Of Jesus Christ?

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

For those of you searching the Internets for your latest “Grubhub”, you might have come across a group of passionately devoted followers of Jesus Christ who call themselves the “QAnon(s)”. The QAnon group of devoted evangelicals is, to put it simply, a large group of patriots extremely devoted to President Trump and his teachings, as well as good ol’ Jesus. They call themselves QAnon in order to hide their identities from oppressive liberals that would hunt them down and convert them to the Nancy Pelosi ideology of pure evil and callousness under The Deep State. The Q’s as they like to be called, are some of the most vigorous and toughest allies of the Trump Administration in their war against the evil atheist immorberal ideology, but there is always more than meets the eye when it comes to QAnon.

The leader of the QAnon militia to plowshares movement is a man only known by the alias, “Q”. Q has strong parallels to Jesus Christ. Both are presumed to be in their early 30’s, both invoke the wrath of God if nothing correct comes their way, and we know nothing else about them. From the outside, it would be easy to deem Q and his anon followers of Jesus to be a ‘hoax’ when this is far from the case. QAnon is very much a real and important lobby of Republican voters who will go to bat against the evil Democrat Deep State Party and their desire to end America as we know it. These followers rally with slogans such as “Where We Go One We Go All” (whatever the hell that means),  “The Storm” a hopeful event where the Deep State is overthrown in a tidal storm, and “The Great Awakening” which refers to President Trump’s inevitable reelection.

While the QAnon movement is full of people who will be our future politicians and civic leaders, Q only seems to talk in cryptic riddles to hide their identity, only posting to an imageboard-like website of what appears to be a Xanga. We’ve requested interviews with Q, to no response. It’s unfortunate we can’t hear the beautiful James Baldwin-esque prose of these young Republicans. It is therefore safe to assume that “Q” is the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Never in my 106 (approaching 107 this month) years of living on God’s green Earth have I ever encountered such poetry that has touched my soul since Casey At The Bat. His words have galvanized a new base within the Republican Party full of brave men and women whose only politics consist of truthiness.

The main antagonist to Q and his “anons” are the very real threat that is The Deep State. The Deep State is a long-running hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department that engage in elaborate tactics the common American is unaware about. These tactics mostly include general Democratic Party racketeering and as QAnon followers allege, is the center of a massive pedophile ring across the United States. Since the Deep State works in secrecy it is hard to validate the veracity, unless you believe and worship Jesus Christ 2.0, Q. Q admits he is a member of “The Deep State” and that he must communicate his messages anonymously onto the Internet in order for people to be aware that the Deep State exists and is actively harmful to us all. Does this all remind you of a heavenly figure named Jesus Christ? The parallels don’t stop there.

Jesus Christ was also involved in a hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department within the Roman Empire. Jesus Christ claimed WAS the Second Coming of the Messiah to the Jewish People.  Jesus Christ was operating under the Catholic Empire, the Deep State of its era. Jesus had to spread his messages in hiding or be subject to Judeo-Roman tyranny. Not to mention the pedophile ring that occurred in the Roman Empire. Yes, these stories are too odd to be so coincidental So similar in fact the Texas Sharpshooter fallacy cannot even apply. Q, much more likely than it can be unlikely, is the Second Coming of Jesus Christ that we were told about in The Bible. If this were not the case, Q would not be able to spread his Xanga iambic pentameter prose on the Internet. And without Jesus, Q could not possibly exist. They are symbiotic, which means there is danger at our door.

We must devote all our resources into finding and dissolving this Deep State, for Q’s sake. President Trump was elected to solve tough problems, and the Deep State is a significantly deep problem that must be stopped to save our State. No longer should we tolerate shadowy government figures that hide in bureaucracy in heavily windowed buildings, for they are the operatives of the Democratic Party and possible Catholics. These Deep State figures not only tried to revive Jeffery Epstein but were definitely collaborators of OBAMAGATE. President Trump cannot do this alone, we must expose the Deep State by worshiping Jesus Christ every Sunday!! WE DO THIS FOR GOD!!!!

 
Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

Joe Biden Is The Anti-Christ

~ DonKaftan ~ 13 Comments

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

It is no secret that our wondrous, first place country THE United States of America, has been going through some “turbulence” so to speak. Some folks are out here proclaiming America is going through a bout of fictional highly infectious diseases and also has to deal with a largely astroturfed opposition against our faithful President Trump and his desire to Make America Great Again. The Democrats behind their crazy frantic leader Nancy Pelosi have made Joe Biden their nominee for the elections in November. But who is this Joe Biden, and how come this average dumbfounded American was chosen to run against Donald Trump? I have a very simple answer for you all my friends.

Joe Biden was formerly a Senator for the state of Delaware: an area of the US that only exists for almanac aficionados. To enter Delaware, you need to put your hand on this book called the “Necronomicon”, a wretched literature detailing dark alchemy and an introduction to satanic rituals. Delaware is also known for being a pro-tax state, having many companies call Delaware their home for tax-specific purposes in order to prove that Delaware really exists. Joe Biden founded the state of Delaware as a means to avoid paying taxes, only to end up being involved in a major scheme helped out by Enron, America’s (formerly) only liberal gas and oil company. Rather than facing a stern punishment of life in prison or even capital punishment over attempting to create a tax haven in the United States, Joe Biden went an unconventional route, he ran for office and won his “election” that no one seriously thought to look deeply into. As a result, Joe Biden was a Senator for 36 years instead of accepting his capital punishment and/or facing life in prison.

But that is far from the most deeply shameful thing about satanic Senator Joe Biden. His “accomplishments” have made him the Vice President of the dismal 8 year Barack Obama regime of destruction and apologies. Biden was complicit in crashing the economy once in 2008 and is rumored to have a role with the Bernie Sanders campaign over creating the Coronavirus, which of course doesn’t actually exist but yet somehow does in spite of facts, physics or prayer. In these 8 years of trying to destroy America from the inside out, Biden found a new form of spiritual reawakening, only instead of being correct as a newborn Christian, he went to hell to deal with Satan instead like a career politician.

In hell, Biden met Satan while Biden was undergoing satanic brain surgery to fix what was broken inside of him (his spirit and according to rumors, his “mojo”). Satan told Biden that he would easily be the next President of America because of his charisma and “go-getter” attitude could stop the unstoppable Trump. Then they held a ritual which caused a volcano in Iceland to erupt and prevent me from going to my flight to Ireland for almost two weeks. That volcano was a sign of things worse to come.

So now that we’ve established that Joe Biden is a product of Satan, we need to explain his rise to becoming an Anti-Christ Superstar. He worked to destroy some of the finer aspects of our American Economy such as bailing off our automobile companies, advocated for institutional evolution courses to convince children that God isn’t real, planted condoms in kindergarten classes to encourage nearly infantile Democratic Party members to breed “early and often”, and has fake teeth (another sign from the Bible about the Anti-Christ). Biden has done nothing in his life to prove he has trustworthiness, but won his votes in “Delaware” for 30 years by running unopposed, with each person that ran against Biden disappeared under mysterious circumstances, perhaps relating to Biden’s role with the Clinton Foundation. He has never proven once in his 36+ years of politics that he is an intellectually capable and moral enough to be purely human. He had help from Satan to become a one-winged angel. 

Joe Biden isn’t some harmless old man that wants to become the next President of America, he is a dangerous fanatical ideologue who reads the Kabbalah and the Necronomicon to poor children in order to convert them to the Democratic Party, corroding their hearts and poisoning their minds. Biden is a man deeply routed in the hated of our country, a charismatic man whose smile smites an entire cul-de-sac. He is the Democratic Party’s best shot at defeating Trump, and he wants to overthrow your Democracy. Do not let him destroy America in November, pray for him instead.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Sunni Islam, excluding Presbyterians. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Starbucks Orders 3 Beheadings Over Employees Failing To Fulfill Fatwa

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written By Pastor John Mathewson

Starbucks, the company that sells Islamic coffee to American-loving patriots on Christmas season, has continued its war against American values by executing three of its managers for not complying with the “Starbucks Standards”. Starbucks has long been a brand for the social justice warriors (internet democrats) and Marxists that want to see an end of American culture and almost equally important, Christmas. It is not unusual for Starbucks to be particularly irresponsible around the Christmas season, as their company may have been responsible for the War on Chrismas Tragedy of 2017. Starbucks has also been known to have connections to Antifa, as they share the same company values (the destruction of the American Dream).

Starbucks ordered their yearly fatwa to the menu for this holiday season and their first that did not involve their red recycling programs. The top three worst-performing Starbucks locations would have their managers subject to a beheading and/or decapitation for their managers for not living up to the “Starbucks Standards”, an English translation of the Quran. While the Starbucks Standards is not the entire Quran, all parts of the Starbucks Standards are referenced back to the Quran and the Islamic religion, the same religion of their founder and two-time Ex-CEO Howard Schultz. The three locations of the beheadings and/or possible decapitations is not known at this time, due to police fears of riots at the locations.

Our three unfortunate victims of this latest War on Christmas fatality were Hannah Robinson, 27, Pablo Calzoni, 49, and Little Jon Kim, 67. May we honor their memories this upcoming Christmas and for all Christmases in the future, for they died as martyrs of the Christian faith, chosen by our Lord and his son Jesus, to defend Christendom from the Godless Islamic Barbarians that drink their coffee from Starbucks. They will not be able to come home and celebrate Christmas with their heterosexual families.

2019 is a stark reminder to our fellow Christians everywhere that we do not live in safety, not even in the United States during the Christmas season. For as long as evil companies like Starbucks and the politicians who support their right to exist like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer keep enabling their behavior, we are all at risk to not witness another Christmas. They defend Starbucks by claiming it falls under their company’s Second Amendment rights in order to justify Saudi Arabian-like executions on its poorest-performing managers. What may appear as an attempt to show a no-tolerance policy to make a strong statement against company inefficiency and promoting worker productivity is really just a public relations excuse to commit legally permitted fatwas under their Sharia Law approved, Islam-endorsed “Starbucks Standards”.

I fear this is not the last time we’ll hear about the Godless Islamic Barbarians and their crusade against Christmas and the millions, if not billions, of Christmas celebrators. They will not stop us, but they will attempt to destroy our might to weaken us. We must keep our guard out and watch ourselves, for we can’t trust the Democratic Party and their feebleminded worldviews to defend our right to be merry. But until the next attack, from Starbucks or any other (more likely than not) Democratic Party-endorsed corporation like Costco, we must remain vigilant and stand our ground.

But until the next attack, and if I happen to be the next victim of this unjust war against religious liberty, I say to you all: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Hebrew Israelites, excluding Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

God Needs More Money

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

Hello, faithful and loyal readers of the Bullshit News, it is I, your honorable pastor, John Mathewson. I only wish to communicate with you, the noble Republican reader directly, because the issue that is at hand is beyond compelling through comprehension on what is happening in the world we desire and pray for on a Sunday to Sunday basis.

I have just received a vision from God, and it turns out our holy deity that despises the Islamic religion and the other one with the “yamulkes”, have really hit dire straits. Believe me, believe God, believe in Best Buddy Jesus Christ because Heaven is attempting to construct an all-new Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network to help all of us Christian humans have better communications for this multi-billion dollar corporation in the sky.

For you see, a great and all-powerful man named God runs and operates this multi-billion corporation called Heaven, and the upkeep for Heaven’s costs are astronomically high. If you were to keep taxing God like this, the banks would run and control heaven while forcing God to foreclose and bankrupt his for-prophet organization. But if you are dumb you must be asking yourself one question, “What is a bank?”

If you really are this dumb, I can assist. Banks are places where there are tons of money stored. The money just sits there, doing absolutely nothing, untouched by government or man, but just by the bank itself. This is the money God needs to start constructing a modern and enhanced Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network in Heaven, as well as helping a nephew of a family friend of ours in church, Erik Prince operate Academi, a peacekeeping Christian diplomatic organization that helps the Godless Islamic Barbarians in the Middle East on understanding The Bible.

Giving your money directly to God is quite a difficult thing to do, which is why pastors, priests, and all the others are exchequers of God. Each and every one of us have proper rules regarding finances and avoiding usury from corrupting our souls. But I must bring up the banks again in our conversation, they are also closed on Sundays, which is ridiculous. All of that money in all of those vacant-on-Sundays lots would be better suited in the House of the Lord!

Does anyone know how expensive it is to install a perfectly functional Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network up in Heaven while also quality-assuring and sound-checking the infrastructure once it’s all set up so that God can help process in more lost souls into Heaven while upgrading the media operations for better audio and visual clarity to better boost performance? How else could banks help this out without giving their money on over to us? The thought process is absurd and depressing. We are making God’s work in vain by not helping him out. Thoughts and prayers will not help us here, only financing.

That is why I ask you, faithful and pure Bullshit News viewers and endorsers, who are already not financing Bullshit News, to finance Bullshit News eventually but not right this moment. God’s work is much more important and requires much more precision and accuracy. We all think of God in dark times, and truth be told friends, God thinks he is in hard times due to a large amount of financing left to be told to start the initial process of Heaven’s Telecommunication and Multimedia Broadcast Network system. Please, don’t think of us (just yet), think of God, and how he helps you. And his son Jesus who did his thing and yadda yadda yadda you all understand and hear it every day just like me.

Help them, help me, but most importantly help God, who was/is them. God needs more money, contact your local pastor or priest or otherwise Christian Messenger for more explicit inquiry on how you can help God today, and tomorrow.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Israelites, excluding Agnostics. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.