Tag: Islam

If You Don’t Go To Church You Are A Terrorist

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson 

Church is one of the most fabled and pure aspects of American culture. All of our great leaders and presidents (save for one) have gone to church in order to understand how taxes and Jesus work. Nowadays, the millennials and their offspring (The “Gen Z”) have long abandoned America’s old piety ways of understanding exceptionalism, and have decided to engage in terrorist activities to fight back against Jesus and his gospel of fun and influential stories.  No, the children today have decided that Antifa is more important to their lives than the Bible and Jesus Christ. They have renounced the good old ways of American living in exchange for godless Islamic barbarianism.

Our children adamantly refuse to go to church, and membership rates across the country have been trending downward as a result. As the millennial and gen z-ers defy the norms of tradition and lawfulness, their actions have consequences from the eyes of God. Children inadequately informed about proper handgun training in schools has lead them to be shot by those of the Islam adherence. The children are more than likely to have drug-addled brains. And they love drinking their coffee from Starbucks. The cult of anti-Christianity and their pro antifa views have made our children more susceptible to globalism, causing a major rot in their brains.

Nonetheless, we can avert all of this. ALL OF THIS with one simple and easy solution. Well, it’s not easy but it is the right thing to do. We need to bring our children back to church. Or bring the church back to the kids, I’m not sure which is more effective but the end result is the same. Once our children go back to church, they will clearly see the real horrors that Islam and antifa create on our society, and will learn to see the error of their ways. It’s the only way to get Satan out of their system.

To all the children reading this, desperately hoping to read or hear advice given to you by older, wiser people like myself: I know what rebelling against authority is like. When I was younger, I went to a Muddy Waters concert, and was dancing along those satanic rhythms of “Blues” until I learned the error of my ways when I went to church the week after. I learned that “blues” and “rock and roll” were both constructions created by the Devil to tempt our faith in society. That revelation shocked me more than Moses on the Temple Mount. That was the day I learned I had to become a pastor and tell people how to lead their lives the correct and prosperous way.

My final word to you children is this: it is not hard to do the right thing. The right thing is abandoning your rebellion tactics. Antifa isn’t going to save you, they will harvest your organs and sell them on the black market in order for them to pay off their legal bills. Godless Islamic Terrorism will only make you stray further from God’s light and puts you on the slippery slope towards Judaism. The world is a dangerous and disturbing place, but with Jesus and Church, the world illuminates a more peaceful path to gratification.

That and voting for President Trump in November, they are not mutually exclusive. If you don’t vote for Trump, the terrorists will win, and your absence in church is letting those same terrorists win. So please, contemplate to the bottom of your soul and let Jesus come into your mouth. Let his words flow into your veins beyond your throat. And swallow all the lessons of the Bible into your soul (and leave room for Jonah’s whale). Only when you can understand the virtues of Christianity and weekly church attendance will the youth can comprehend the horrors of antifa Islam.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Wahhabis, excluding Buddhists. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Update: Christmas Is Saved From Atheist And Islamic Terrorism

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written By Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq

On Christmas Eve we, unfortunately, had to inform our viewers that the Nation of Islam, in cohorts with the Atheist movement/militia, were attempting to sabotage one, if not THE most important holiday in our country/culture, Christmas. They were upset that Christianity is more prominent in the world than their own ideology, festered in hate by one of the devils incarnate in Louie Farrakhan. Farrakhan, for those that do not remember, is one of the biggest “haters” of the 20th and 21st centuries. He is a black supremacy extremist that has expressed an unwavering desire to end “whitey” and some Jewish people that stand in his way. Farrakhan knew he needed an army of people, not just relying on his Nation of Islam, he needed a much larger following to execute his evil demands. Lucky for Farrakhan, he got his Christmas gift early with a large coalition of Atheists that wanted to help him with his desire to end Christmas once and for all with domestic terrorism.

Farrakhan and his Godless Islamic Barbarian and Atheist followers were to go to as many houses in America and try to burn down their Christmas trees and presents and sell the most valuable presents to pawn shops across America to rake in more money for the Nation of Islam. Thankfully, since we alerted the authorities and properly informed the people about this upcoming potential monstrosity, we were able to arrest the many people that attempted to destroy America’s precious holiday that all of us Christians celebrate merrily. That’s right readers of Bullshit News, together we have saved Christmas!

But we must also strive and make efforts to prevent efforts of Democratic Party-funded styles of terrorism that threaten to destroy our countries’ unity. The Atheism community and the Nation of Islam are forms of protected speech by our First Amendment, and their actions of terror, while heavily documented, are not enough for these groups to be disciplined from our judicial system as they are heavily biased towards liberals. This is one thing  President Donald Trump is working on year-round, eradicating this humungous bias against Christianity that is judicial activism. The Democrats tried to stop Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh from going on the Supreme Court as well as our friend and sometimes advisor of Bullshit News, Neil Gorsuch. We must spend more effort to stop this Democratic madness, and we must always remain vigilant about it.

As we head towards a new year, decade, and plenty more Christmases to come, we must all be aware of the threat that Louie Farrakhan, the Nation of Islam, and Atheism all have against our country. They are against our values, are for taxes to be raised unfairly for pig barrel spending, and support the Democratic Party more times then they do not. While the Godless Islamic Barbarians and Atheist Coalition may be fundamentally opposed to each other from their respective religious documents, they do align on one goal: the total destruction of Christianity and our beloved United States of America. We must be prepared for Christmas next year, or perhaps Easter as well. We cannot let acts of terrorism define us as a country.

But we don’t need to worry about terrorism anymore today, the Atheist Islamic brutes have lost, and their agenda has been espoused. Other outlets like CNN, The Epoch Times or The Daily Caller would have allowed these acts of terror to slide because of their mainstream liberal biases. But we don’t lie to you, we tell you the truth straight from the source, where all news originates: word of mouth. And despite what those Islamo-Atheist leftist terrorists want, Christmas is here today, and here to stay for the end of time and even beyond that.

God bless you all, and have a merry Christmas and a fruitful new year. Unless you are a radical Atheist-Islamo Barbaric Terrorist, in which case you should go to hell and think about what you were planning on doing.

Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News historian and correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston with his dog, Jefferey.

Atheists And The Nation Of Islam Are Attempting To Stop Christmas From Happening

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written by Rachel Gilfords

The War On Christmas is not stopping any time soon, as long as liberals control a portion of the government they will try to stop us from celebrating America’s most beloved holiday. The Atheists, a religious group that opposes all forms of religion and piety not to be confused with Antifa, have decided to join forces with one of the biggest threats to America from Godless Islamic Barbarian brutalism, the Nation of Islam. For those unaware, the Nation of Islam is led by notorious anti-Christian and even anti-Semitic GodKing named Louis Farrakhan. Farrakhan is one of the biggest enemies of Christendom of the 20th and 21st century, wanting to usher in a new crusade while also hating the Jews as a side-quest. Farrakhan might have realized that his goals for conquesting are not good enough to stop Christmas this year and needed a much larger group to help him on his quest. Luckily for Farrakhan, a large amount of Americans (25%, almost all are sinners) are irreligious, or Atheist per their nomenclature.

The alliance between Islam and Atheism was longly considered a hoax. They appear to be mortal enemies, much like Judaism and all sects of Christianity. The Jewish people did not want to celebrate Christmas so they became Jewish instead, which was only considered okay recently. Atheists, on the other hand, are rude and callous and would firebomb Christmas if terrorists would help them. The Nation of Islam is one of the strongest pillars of Godless Islamic Barbarianism and is sometimes called the “American ISIS” or the “Capitalist Taliban”. Farrakhan, in particular, acts as he looks: a ruthless dictator with no care towards people that aren’t his own. Farrakhan once said he would “eat the Jews” if he could, but it is far from the worst thing about him. Farrakhan has a powerful alliance with the Democratic Party (DNC).

It is not an open secret that the DNC has struggled to exist over the decade. The ideas of the Democratic Party lie in the minority of U.S voters, as time and elections have proved over and over again. They are struggling financially, and one group that has given them money since their inception has been the Nation of Islam. They want to erase everything about Christianity and God from our culture and replace it with Louis Farrakhan statues and poorly drawn cave paintings about hunting “whitey”. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Atheism has long been a threat to the America we love and support every day. Atheists have contributed nothing to American culture and have long antagonized it and everything regarding organized religion. Atheism has no organized leader or central planning, similar to communism in ideology. And since the Atheist movement has no leader, they are perhaps a larger threat than the Nation of Islam by themselves if they weren’t so rudderless with their kibbutz-inspired “leadership”. So how do we know the Nation of Islam is now working with the Atheists? Well, the (somewhat open) secret is that they have been working together for decades now, announcing the partnership as public to threaten Christians near one of the holiest days of the year? Farrakhan would do that as a ruthless tyrant who wants to seek control of the White House via illicit means.

“But what about Christmas? What are these groups planning on doing to stop Christmas?” You, the intelligent reader of Bullshit News just had this thought enter your head. Farrakhan and his Nation of Islam with the support of the Atheist Coalition will try to stop Christmas by going from house to house and burning Christmas Trees down without thought or care to the families that are celebrating their time-honored heritage. Although if your children and/or teenagers are smart, they would be properly armed and ready to assault any suspicious-looking person that attempts to walk on your front lawn and try to destroy your holiday spirit.

The Nation of Islam is and has been recruiting the Atheists to undermine America’s first or second most important holiday of the year. Farrakhan is inspired by the Atheist’s commitment to leaderless, organized action. They will attempt to burn down our Christmas trees anywhere across America, so being armed and prepared for tonight is essential. The Atheists and their Nation of Islam cohorts will try to take your presents and sell them to people that don’t deserve it, or probably burn them and be turned on from the pyromania.

Unfortunately, we cannot sleep early tonight as this is a national crisis that these terrorist groups will try to remove the joy from one of the holiest (if not, THE) days of our year. So lock your doors, take your rifles or shotguns out from the cupboard and look out the windows carefully tonight. Because whether you will have rain, sleet, snow, or even hail, the Nation of Islam and Atheists will try to destroy one of our great pillars of our country. We must be prepared for the worst so that we can celebrate Christmas tomorrow when we’re at our best.

If I don’t make it out alive because of the Atheists, I want my last written words to be: Merry Christmas and have a jovial new year. If you don’t hear from me again, you’ll know what happened. Merry CHRISTMAS.

Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent, On-Field Reporter and a correspondent on religions that are not Christianity-affiliated or Judaism. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in all news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.

Starbucks Orders 3 Beheadings Over Employees Failing To Fulfill Fatwa

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written By Pastor John Mathewson

Starbucks, the company that sells Islamic coffee to American-loving patriots on Christmas season, has continued its war against American values by executing three of its managers for not complying with the “Starbucks Standards”. Starbucks has long been a brand for the social justice warriors (internet democrats) and Marxists that want to see an end of American culture and almost equally important, Christmas. It is not unusual for Starbucks to be particularly irresponsible around the Christmas season, as their company may have been responsible for the War on Chrismas Tragedy of 2017. Starbucks has also been known to have connections to Antifa, as they share the same company values (the destruction of the American Dream).

Starbucks ordered their yearly fatwa to the menu for this holiday season and their first that did not involve their red recycling programs. The top three worst-performing Starbucks locations would have their managers subject to a beheading and/or decapitation for their managers for not living up to the “Starbucks Standards”, an English translation of the Quran. While the Starbucks Standards is not the entire Quran, all parts of the Starbucks Standards are referenced back to the Quran and the Islamic religion, the same religion of their founder and two-time Ex-CEO Howard Schultz. The three locations of the beheadings and/or possible decapitations is not known at this time, due to police fears of riots at the locations.

Our three unfortunate victims of this latest War on Christmas fatality were Hannah Robinson, 27, Pablo Calzoni, 49, and Little Jon Kim, 67. May we honor their memories this upcoming Christmas and for all Christmases in the future, for they died as martyrs of the Christian faith, chosen by our Lord and his son Jesus, to defend Christendom from the Godless Islamic Barbarians that drink their coffee from Starbucks. They will not be able to come home and celebrate Christmas with their heterosexual families.

2019 is a stark reminder to our fellow Christians everywhere that we do not live in safety, not even in the United States during the Christmas season. For as long as evil companies like Starbucks and the politicians who support their right to exist like Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer keep enabling their behavior, we are all at risk to not witness another Christmas. They defend Starbucks by claiming it falls under their company’s Second Amendment rights in order to justify Saudi Arabian-like executions on its poorest-performing managers. What may appear as an attempt to show a no-tolerance policy to make a strong statement against company inefficiency and promoting worker productivity is really just a public relations excuse to commit legally permitted fatwas under their Sharia Law approved, Islam-endorsed “Starbucks Standards”.

I fear this is not the last time we’ll hear about the Godless Islamic Barbarians and their crusade against Christmas and the millions, if not billions, of Christmas celebrators. They will not stop us, but they will attempt to destroy our might to weaken us. We must keep our guard out and watch ourselves, for we can’t trust the Democratic Party and their feebleminded worldviews to defend our right to be merry. But until the next attack, from Starbucks or any other (more likely than not) Democratic Party-endorsed corporation like Costco, we must remain vigilant and stand our ground.

But until the next attack, and if I happen to be the next victim of this unjust war against religious liberty, I say to you all: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Hebrew Israelites, excluding Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Point/Counterpoint: Christianity (Or “Islam”?)

~ DonKaftan ~ 2 Comments

Written by Sgt. Louis Gates II and Pastor John Mathewson

In another installment of our hit series, Point/Counterpoint,  Sgt. Louis Gates the Second and Pastor John Mathewson debate about which of the two religions in the world, Christianity and Islam are the best, and which one engages with Sharia Law and desires rampant terrorism all across the world. Should people be following Islam or Christianity?

 

Sgt. Louie Gates II: Point: Islam has only existed for so long because of their fearsome leadership. Islam’s leaders included histories most barbaric, Godless, and terrorist acts of horror from Ghanghis Khan to Hitler. Their leaders in the post-Mohammed era have only reinforced their brutal methods of torture to survive.

Pastor John Mathewson: Counterpoint: Christianity has existed even longer than Islam from purely pacificist actions. Christianity has survived over countless millennia despite rampant persecution against them. You can have a religion and not be violent about it or prissy like Judaism.

SLG2: Point: Islam’s culture revolves around oppressing women, which is 100% unAmerican. The Middle Eastern countries don’t let women vote or treat their babies-in-making.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christian culture focuses on the purity of women and their use in procreation. Did Islam ever have a queen to lead them? I thought so.

SLG2: Point: Islam’s set of laws and codes, Sharia, is what unifies all Islamists in the Middle East to consistently create terrorist NGOs whose sole purpose in existence is the destruction of the American world. Take the United Nations or ISIS for example. Islam cannot rest until there are “shawarma trucks” on every street corner in America.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity is guided by the greatest man who ever lived, Jesus Christ. A man so pure that Mohammed is the exact opposite, the Anti-Christ. Christianity has won many crusades and has survived adversity for giving people a life of liberty and freedom, concepts that are never brought up or endorsed in Sharia Law.

SLG2: Point: Islam retains order through murder and other violent acts of crime. It is permitted to behead a woman if she misses her daily communal bus ride just once under Sharia. If a woman does not bear a child by age 12, she is stoned to death on the streets. In Saudi Arabia, it is successful Pay-Per-View television. This would be impossible under Christianity.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity has always preached non-violence and uses order without force to achieve peace and military victories. Christians are only violent in self-defense, against those Godless Islamic Heathens and Jews that dared to challenge their beliefs through the ages.

SLG2: Point: Islam believes the world is older than 6,000 years, following the “Global Warming/Al Gore” theory.

PJM: Counterpoint: The Bible tells us stories of yore. It is not only a moral compass but a historic document from the early human era. WE DON’T COME FROM MONKEYS MISS NANCY PELOSI!!!

SLG2: Point: Islamic culture supports the Democratic Party and allows abortions to be done for free. Also, their culture permeates communism. Almost like the USSR but if they believed in God.

PJM: Counterpoint: A good God-fearing Christian is a natural Republican Party supporter. And more than likely an NRA supporter as well.

SLG2: Point: Islam supports multiculturalism and political correctness as alternatives to tolerance. They use their words as weapons.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity has always been a peaceful religion so long as you pray to the Lord and do not question it. Respect and passionate kindness always prevails violent, threatening rhetoric.

SLG2: Point: Islam does not center around a God or any deity, instead the Islam adherents observe their set of the Bill of Rights or Ten Commandments, Sharia Law. Sharia Law allows those of the Islamic tradition to get away with anything without regard to morality, including the use of chemical weapons.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity allows you to apologize without having to invent nuclear weapons.

SLG2: Point: Islam began the drug wars by creating opioids like marijuana and cocaine in order to drug their followers into believing their Quran.

PJM: Counterpoint: A proper Christian who wishes to meet Christ up in heaven will have never taken an illegal drug that would incriminate their rapture status. Christians do not use illicit means to conduct proselytization.

SLG2: Point: Mohammed will send you to Islam hell for drawing or photographing him.

PJM: Counterpoint: Jesus Christ is waiting for you in Heaven to autograph whatever you want.

As the planet soon approaches 8 billion people, it’s important to understand that we will have differences with each other. This is why religion, politics, and economics exist, to sort things out for the better human. The country with the best and strongest tools by the time of the rapture (varies per religion) will be the ones sent to Heaven and avoid endless torment on Earth until life is no more. Until then, liberals will continue to invent fake conflicts and miscellaneous problems to distract us from the real problems that happen right now on Earth.

Sgt. Louie Gates II is Bullshit News’ correspondent on national security and military issues. He owns five Rottweilers and is a huge Boston Red Sox fan. He is faithful to his wife LaShawnda Gates and has two daughters. He served in the military many times and received a purple heart for his valiant efforts to protect our country.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Methodists, excluding Greek Orthodox. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.