Tag: President Trump

Bernie Bro Arrested After Attempting To Illegally Inject President Trump With Marijuana

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

Tom Montefusco, A Democratic Party voter and marijuana enthusiast, was arrested yesterday morning around 7am after a failed attempt to run on the White House lawn with three needles in hand too, “inject the President with compassion and happiness”. Montefusco was found to be a part of the Democratic Party machine known as the “Bernie Brothers”, or “Bernie Bro” for short. The Bernie Brothers are the new wave of Democratic Party socialists that want to see an end for all economic organization and moral obligations in society. Bernie Bros actively attempt to overthrow the government so that the higher income inclined people, such as myself, pay more for taxes beyond our consent. But if there is something much more tangible and dangerous than socialists trying to raise our taxes (again), it’s an assassination attempt of our dearly beloved President.

It’s no secret that 2020 is an election year, the Democratic Party is outraged by four years of successful diplomacy and financial liberation from the Trump Administration. The economy is running well, which forces the Democrats to act highly aggressive, like letting one of their most dangerous senators like socialist champaign king Bernie Sanders and Israel-denier Elizabeth Warren run for candidacy. As of the time of this article’s release, Bernie Sanders, the most left-wing (communist-enthusiasts) members of their party. Radical politics is nothing new for the Democrats, but you can tell they’re going all-out. Their propaganda, combined with the questionably pernicious social media websites, have lead to the radicalization of Tom Montefusco, the would-be assassin.

Bernie Sanders has consistently demanded for our United States of America to surrender in the drug war when we are clearly ahead by miles. Elizabeth Warren has expressed sympathy for the enemy, including marijuana and it’s equally evil cousin, cocaine. Their support for their drug, perhaps even an endorsement at times, perhaps influenced Montefusco’s failed assassination bid. Perhaps he wanted to be enamored by his peers or was paid off by the Michael Bloomberg campaign as a smear to the socialists within his party. No matter who in the Democratic Party wanted this convoluted idea to go through, one of their future leaders will likely be in prison for the rest of his life because no one is above the law. Not even people that try to kill the president.

Tom Montefusco was not a “lone wolf”. He was very active with the Bernie Brothers’ movement to attack all that do not believe in their ideology, much like Joseph Stalin and his Antifa secret secret police. The Bernie Bros formed in 2015 on what appears to be a website called Twitter, where they began vocalizing their frustrations about people not reading enough Marx and engaging in the lamentations of the women. Their desire for drug consumption was a frequent discussion within the Bernie Bros, often encouraging each other to recklessly recreationally enjoy illegal substances. It was only a matter of time before one of them wanted to engage the community’s plea to kill the President.

Fortunately, all is fine–for now. But we must remain vigilant against the Bernie Bros, for they may try to attack President Trump again, especially when they lose the election again come November. No one should have to be forcibly injected marijuana without their consent. It is no different than murder or relaying electronic sign signals in a Baseball game. The Bernie Bros will never cease until Bernie Sanders is president, and it’s up to us to make sure that does not happen.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

President Trump Cures Opioid Epidemic

~ DonKaftan ~ 2 Comments

Written by Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

As an occasional lawyer and part-time doctor, I understand how truly catastrophic the Opioid epidemic can be, taking away the lives of many red, white and blue-blooded Republican Americans from living the hearts out. The science back in the day was dominated by leftists from Germany that pretended to be from Berkeley, they didn’t know anything. Those scientists said that opioids were good and are good for “pain-relief”. Those hippie liberals believe any drug is a good drug, and that “pain-relief” is a cure for internal problems the human body can’t solve like cancer, internal bleeding, or having Frog Person DNA. But from new studies about the opioid crisis (ethical disclaimer: I was a researcher of these studies), we have learned that opioid addictions will now become a thing of the past.

I am not from the medical school of Politico, I went to the Alpert Medical School at Brown University. But I will use the principle of charity here and assume they are very well-endowed and intelligent people. Because of their study, the Department of Health and Human Services has declared the opioid epidemic a closed case. HHS Secretary Alex Azar has gone on the record to say, “I’m happy to go on the record and say that a once major bummer in American society, is like totally done for. The man on the phone told me not to re-sign the paperwork that said it was a crisis because it wasn’t a big deal anymore. The man on the phone, Dr. Richard Sackler, said that he has everything under control. I trust his judgment and good character.”

Those intolerant bigots of the liberal mainstream media machine of injustice might have reported this as news with the bias of saying that Alex “Always A-Game” Azar had “forgotten to renew the proper paperwork”, but this framing implies that paperwork had to be done. It doesn’t have to, what significance can an easily crumbled up piece of paper really have in our society? Especially in regard to public health, Just look around your neighborhood, do you see anyone doing opioids? Since none of you said yes, you can tell that President Trump has worked on the issue long enough for the problem to mostly go away. And if we can sleep peacefully at night because of that fact, then that paperwork truly meant nothing after all.

Now that the Opioid epidemic is over, much like racism, America can now focus on bigger and better things like funding the military, ending the abortion movement once and for all, or best of all, re-election for this upcoming year. All of which is more important to focus on then our ever-loving and the depressingly eternal war on drugs (minus opioids). Another victory for Trump is a victory for us all, and a greater chance to ensure his second term that he deserves for caring the extra mile about our American people. While America has many other needs to attend to, today is a day for celebration that will be remembered for generations to come as America no longer has a problem with regards to opioids. Hurra!

 
Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and works as a property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law-related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.

RUMOR: President Trump To Issue Executive Order To Turn Grand Canyon Into Multiple Golf Courses And Five-Star Resorts

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Written by Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq

Citing internal sources within the White House, President Trump has declared he is tired of the eyesore that is the Grand Canyon (located somewhere in Arizona) and would desire one of America’s formerly great national parks would be better suited for golfers rather than “the mole people” that live in the region along with the “amount of Natives waiting to make a profit off their land.” These comments were leaked to the media by the far-left Mainstream Media operatives known as the “Daily Caller”.

President Trump held a rally nearby the Grand Canyon in Flagstaff, AZ where he further elaborated his comments to high praise, “Have you seen the Grand Canyon? It’s such an eyesore, there’s nothing to do. It’s not like Lake Tahoe with their geysers and those deer with antlers that roam around freely on to traffic then BAM! Lots of blood, blood was everywhere in fact. So gruesome yet thrilling. Much better looking than Janet Reno.”

The Grand Canyon is a national landmark that is 277-mile long canyon and 18 miles wide which, like Canada, is a barren wasteland that has no natural resources to squander for. President Trump is correct in his assertions, as there is nothing useful about the land the Grand Canyon currently occupies, it could be improved by adding in a five-star hotel, a couple of resorts, 3-5 golf courses, maybe a mini-golf resort and movie theater for the kids, and perhaps a few Bed and Breakfasts for the impoverished travelers. All of these ideas won’t cover the entire Grand Canyon, but it’s a fresh start to what’s already not there. Arizona can certainly use the money to fund the border and by executing this gameplan, they can make money back on it too.

Many Democrats and African-American Supremacists have opposed this plan, calling it “unnatural” to make capitalism happen in one of the most boring places on Earth, let alone in the United States of America. Enron and Shell cannot do anything in the region for there is no oil to extract, and the coal industry in America is not strong enough in Arizona to justify more coal plants in the region. The next best thing is to make the area as luxurious as possible, for the Grand Canyon now is just a waste of real estate that would be in better hands of the Trump Administration and not some burrower humans.

It’s high time for Arizona to step up their GDP and prove to be a state that cares for Americans and doesn’t get sucked up by the liberal left coast corruption that is Washington, Oregon, and California. If Trump has considered selling Alaska to cut off the national debt, then major Grand Canyon modifications are also strongly possible. Aside from being a border state meant to protect us from them, Arizona can improve in many ways and cutting their losses with the so-called “Grand Canyon” would be the best way to start helping Make America Great Again. Let us commend President Trump for his bold, brave and modestly unconventional ventures to improve our country and make us dominant in the world’s affairs once again.

Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News historian and correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston with his dog, Jefferey.