Tag: President

President Elect Joe Biden Ready To Drink The Blood Of His Enemies If It Means Being Inaugrated

~ DonKaftan ~ Leave a comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson 

Friends and followers of Bullshit News, I regret to inform you that the coup against Donald Trump has, by 11/21/2020, succeeded in dethroning Donald Trump as the deserved President of the United States. But not all hope is lost, as President Trump still holds office. By inauguration day the rapture may, still, and will possibly continue to happen, but the world is still just and fair. The anti-christ will eventually become president, but it will be meaningless to Mitch McConnell, who has the keys to prevent America from being dethroned by Godless Islamic Barbarian Gangsters who cannot wait to join Joe Biden’s cabinet.

President Trump’s lack of victory won’t mean anything. President Trump has already accomplished more than any future president could wish to do, and Mitch will assure us all of this when he prevents Joe Biden from doing anything abhorrent to our republic. Mitch IS the checks and balances of our newly innovated Republican-led country. Joe Biden being a Democrat should hopefully have no powerful grasp on our society like what happened under Obamagate. President Trump, even as he turns into former President Donald Trump, will still be able to address to country and guide many lost souls into the promised land.

The next four years will be very divisive and unruly as the Anti-Christ will attempt to undue all the greatness Trump has brought to our country and culture. Mitch McConnell represents the last of a dying breed: a hero to save Americans much like Jesus Christ saved the souls of a damned planet filled with sinners. While Michigan, Arizona, Georgia, Pennsylvania, and Nevada will be doomed with eternal damnation, nothing will stop America from being the #1 country on the planet, not even California or any sodomite that voted for the anti-christ.

Joe Biden, who hasn’t officially been declared President just yet, will claim to be a “Man of God”, but in actuality he is just a Catholic, much like Supreme Court Justice Amy Barrett. The Catholic Clan is a strange one that crosses party lines and disrupts the nuclear family order like Joe Lieberman. You can never trust the Catholics because they aren’t Protestants and definitely not the Jews. President Trump himself is a dedicated man of faith to the Evangelical Church. and demonstrates more piety than Biden ever could. Biden is ready to not drink the blood of Christ, but the blood of His enemies, ready to devour any sort of common sense practical solutions to on-going American problems that are not-at-all Trump’s fault in the slightest.

We can spend all day listing Donald Trump’s accomplishments, achievements, and other forms of evidence that supports his case as the greatest president ever since Lincoln Washington saved our country from evil liberals that wanted to force everyone to convert to Islam for profit. But Trump can still come back in 2024, like a vengeful Nixon waiting to starve the beast and end government handouts once and for all. But while Biden is probably going to be in office for the next four years, Mitch McConnell, the gatekeeper of our Democracy/Republic, will be there to keep in check the powers that be for another six years. Biden will be like a neutered dog, begging to breed while McConnell can do what he pleases. Mitch is the real president here, Biden is just a showman and yes, the Anti-Christ reincarnated.

We will need to pray to our nation even more without President Trump in the White House. We are all lost souls begging to be saved after our prophet was crucified by election results which may have in all likeliness been tampered with. It matters no more, we may all be damned to hell eternally for letting the Anti-Christ get his executive branch powers to dictate our lives. Mitch will do what he can but there are even some limits to his powers that cannot stop Biden no matter the effort. It’s almost as if all we can do is pray, but that shall not stop the mission of Bullshit News to deliver to you the greatest information about the world the best we can. We will keep Joe Biden in check and make sure he cannot destroy America as hard as he tries to. For now, America’s salvation is Bullshit News, and we’ll need us to stop them. This is far from over, glory will be returned to the White House soon enough.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Anglicans, excluding the Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Who Is Kamala Harris And What Is Her Plot To Destroy America?

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written by Sid Phyllis

The DNC anti-Christ Superstar nominee Joe Biden has made an important announcement unrelated about conceding the race. He has named his vice presidential running mate, a mysterious women cloaked in secrecy and nastiness. Her name is Kamala Harris, and she keeps her past a mystery for one clear reason: she is hiding her communist/Marxist (ie: Antifa) and Lutheran roots from the rest of America. Kamala was once in charge of her local Antifa chapter, and helped propel it to becoming one of the most dominant antifa blocs in America. Kamala has roots with socialist, terrorist and socialist terrorist college clubs, which began a political career that went so far as serving as a senator for California. She comes from a high pedigree of socialist prosecutors and university presidents, two career paths full of people with ludicrous minds and anti-God ideology. But this is as much as we know about her mysterious past, and her sudden rise to power among the communist radical left.

Biden choose Kamala above all other candidates because he is a dope fiend with nothing to lose. A lifelong committed sinner associated with the Obama regime would much prefer an Antifa wunderkind rather than a normal committed loser like Mondale or Kerry who have the political experience needed for vice-president coupled with the lack of effective political leadership to help President Donald Trump ensure an already easy path to reelection that much easier. Biden understands his time on this planet is near the end for his somewhat mortal human coil, and choose a young person to be his VP given all of his other “friends” are about as old as the Looney Tunes cartoons.

Kamala has the young blood, a concept very pure to an anti-Christ like Joe Biden. Perhaps Biden may also be hiding vampire or frog person roots and will use Kamala Harris’s blood to make him feel rejuvenated and young again. Age can still effect a thing like Biden, even if his own politics with Kamala may be different (nay, less radical), he needs the young blood to stay alive. Biden might have ran for president with the only thing on his mind to reverse his aging process. Kamala, on the other hand, may have much more serious and dangerous intentions on what she wants to see different in America.

As said earlier, Kamala Harris was once an antifa radical, who was “forced” to change her beliefs in order to gain a higher footing in politics. She served as a prosecutor to save face, and was able to run as a senator for Commiefornia once Barbara Boxer was shipped out to the moon. Her political career is no accident, it is a well-maintained balance between accidents and being so insufferably evil (and potentially satanic, we could not confirm) that she’s absorbed the souls of several political foes (including within her own antifa chapter according to Sean Davis, from the liberal rag FDRLIST). If Kamala has no agenda against our God-created and God-loved United States of America, she should speak now or forever be questioned and seen as traitor against American values and ergo, the people.

If Kamala were as innocent as the mainstream media credit her as, why do they never mention her antifa background? It’s integral to her political career, it helped make her the women she is today. She is a cryptic riddle surrounded by wrong and evilness, a favorite combination for the Democrat Party. She certainly is hiding something nefarious and pernicious, and for the benefit of President Trump we should find out before the election. President Trump always has something up his sleeves when it comes to political power.

The future of America will be decided by you very soon. So long as you do not trust the nefarious and evil Post Office to help you “vote-by-mail”, you will be safe in America’s hands with a Trump victory. As we are a few months away, we must be reminded about the satanism behind Joe Biden and unknown horrors of the (potentially former) antifa radical and one-time prosecutor/senator mysterious women Kamala Harris. Like most Democratic Party stunts, this can easily backfire in the GOP’s favor like the existence of Michael Dukakis or Chappaquiddick, but this year is highly volatile and unpredictable. From the Bernie Sanders campaign creating and spreading the Coronavirus to organized mass movements against the police, anything despicable can happen this year, such as a Biden “win”. Don’t let this stop you from going to the voting booth and casting your ballot for Trump. God wants Trump, do not disappoint Him.

 

Sid Phyllis is the Bullshit News correspondent in political/foreign affairs (other) and our White House Correspondent. Sid grew up in Chicago and got sick of living in the big city and moved into a rural blue-collar state where the real America is. Instead of going to some elite four-year college, he started a consulting firm in Wyoming (Donovan and Phyllis Firm, or DP Firm) that quickly became the #1 best firm in the state. Sid joined Bullshit News for his qualifications in understanding how the REAL Blue-Collar Americans think.

President Trump Condemns Barack Hussein Obama For Committing OBAMAGATE

~ DonKaftan ~ 10 Comments

Written By Sarah Napoli

The Barack Obama regime created horrifying conditions to the US economy that urged one of the greatest public television figures of the 20th century to run for office. That man, Donald Trump as we are all aware, had to fix a broken world that a broken, disturbed man created for him. The Obama Regime left the country in shambles, and his liberation of the QUEERS has created a movement of underground leftist militias that seek to “politically correct” any rational-thinking and bible loving Republican that threatens to speak out publicly against the leftist cabal and their social medias. President Trump decided to put an end to this stigma with his words, much like how he ended racism and the infamous Coronavirus. Trump was forced to do what no President had ever done once again by having to publicly condemn his predecessor, Barack Hussein Obama.

To the benefit of the Mainstream Media, President Trump courteously gave a public address in lieu of a celebratory parade to celebrate his tremendous accomplishments in solving the biggest issues of our time within his first term in office. It was during the middle of a diatribe against the ramifications of the United Nations controversial “Pro-Child Murder That Isn’t Strictly Abortion” policy that President Trump finally had to publicly condemn his antagonistic predecessor for committing, “The Biggest Crime In American History”. Aside from Obama Regime’s obvious on-record poor levels of liberty development and the inability to make a strong stance against terrorism, President Trump said that he received strong anecdotal and sacerdotal evidence that Obama has created an “OBAMAGATE” in order to create an info war against President Trump as an attempt to let the recently independent nation of Great Britain to overthrow our Democracy in order to benefit his personal bank account.

Being asked to clarify his comments, President Trump said that the Obama regime has organized this effort since before Trump took office.  President Trump also added that the crime was “very obvious, very dubbyaus [dubious?]” and that more will come out within the next couple weeks. Since this is obviously a counter-intelligence matter of significant detail being vigorously checked by the brave men and men of the CIA and NSA, we cannot talk any more about this “OBAMAGATE”. What we already know is damning, but what we don’t know, or of any unknown knowns, will be guaranteed to be worse then we think. And if it’s worse than what we think, and it’s not even what we think what we are thinking about is the worst, then it’s going to be horrific. That’s a level of treason hard to think about, which is why Leftists and liberals can’t understand basic realpolitik unlike Trump and his Kushner friend.

We can detail all of the problems created and intensely exacerbated by the Obama regime, but then it would stall our already complicated publication schedule. The OBAMAGATE, as it is publicly known, is already damning evidence given its massive popularity and outspread reach across the entire Internet. Given that the Obama regime left us with a long list of problems and illegal acts, it would make sense that many extra crimes, significant infractions and other violations of the Hatch Act could bury even more bigger and blatant acts of corruption that Barack Obama and his cronies committed in the dark. Now that President Trump appears to be given a green light to further detail these allegations within the near future, we should brace for the worst but also to be redeemed and grateful that a wunderkind businessman turned President is here to guide us from the shepherd we shall not want.

 

Sarah Napoli is the Women’s Issues (or lack thereof) And Gossip Correspondent of Bullshit News. Sarah is outside of normal sexual orientation and enjoys young adult fiction novels. Sarah does not want children but considers herself a “dog mom”, taking care of a young poodle (which is really a Schnauzer but don’t tell her that) she named “Eddie”. Sarah does not like coffee or tea, which are foreign inventions created to poison the bright minds of Americans. 

President Trump Cures Opioid Epidemic

~ DonKaftan ~ 2 Comments

Written by Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

As an occasional lawyer and part-time doctor, I understand how truly catastrophic the Opioid epidemic can be, taking away the lives of many red, white and blue-blooded Republican Americans from living the hearts out. The science back in the day was dominated by leftists from Germany that pretended to be from Berkeley, they didn’t know anything. Those scientists said that opioids were good and are good for “pain-relief”. Those hippie liberals believe any drug is a good drug, and that “pain-relief” is a cure for internal problems the human body can’t solve like cancer, internal bleeding, or having Frog Person DNA. But from new studies about the opioid crisis (ethical disclaimer: I was a researcher of these studies), we have learned that opioid addictions will now become a thing of the past.

I am not from the medical school of Politico, I went to the Alpert Medical School at Brown University. But I will use the principle of charity here and assume they are very well-endowed and intelligent people. Because of their study, the Department of Health and Human Services has declared the opioid epidemic a closed case. HHS Secretary Alex Azar has gone on the record to say, “I’m happy to go on the record and say that a once major bummer in American society, is like totally done for. The man on the phone told me not to re-sign the paperwork that said it was a crisis because it wasn’t a big deal anymore. The man on the phone, Dr. Richard Sackler, said that he has everything under control. I trust his judgment and good character.”

Those intolerant bigots of the liberal mainstream media machine of injustice might have reported this as news with the bias of saying that Alex “Always A-Game” Azar had “forgotten to renew the proper paperwork”, but this framing implies that paperwork had to be done. It doesn’t have to, what significance can an easily crumbled up piece of paper really have in our society? Especially in regard to public health, Just look around your neighborhood, do you see anyone doing opioids? Since none of you said yes, you can tell that President Trump has worked on the issue long enough for the problem to mostly go away. And if we can sleep peacefully at night because of that fact, then that paperwork truly meant nothing after all.

Now that the Opioid epidemic is over, much like racism, America can now focus on bigger and better things like funding the military, ending the abortion movement once and for all, or best of all, re-election for this upcoming year. All of which is more important to focus on then our ever-loving and the depressingly eternal war on drugs (minus opioids). Another victory for Trump is a victory for us all, and a greater chance to ensure his second term that he deserves for caring the extra mile about our American people. While America has many other needs to attend to, today is a day for celebration that will be remembered for generations to come as America no longer has a problem with regards to opioids. Hurra!

 
Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and works as a property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law-related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.

Howard Schultz Changes Political Affiliation To Independent In Effort To Corrupt America With Presidential Campaign, Islamic Coffee

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written by Gilbert Miser 

Howard Schultz, the Islamic ex-CEO of Starbucks, has formally announced his presidential campaign for 2020 which he already kickstarted in June 2018, as Bullshit News has covered the moment his campaign began. Howard Schultz, fearing the already large number of unqualified Democrats currently in the running that are not nearly as powerful or rich as he is, has decided to play it safe and run as an independent candidate, otherwise known as the “Ross Perot” or the Joe Leiberman political euthanasia exercise. It is a non-working strategy only the Democrats would use on themselves if they felt too giddy beating Republicans in states by more than a percent margin. Howard Schultz, clearly not an expert in American history, thinks he can use this strategy to get what he wants.

Bullshit News has authorized a boycott on Starbucks since November 2017 when Starbucks unveiled its infamous corporate fatwa by forcing employees to greet customers with the un-American “Happy Holidays” and refusal to recognize Christmas as a holiday and further ignited the War On Christmas. Starbucks aligned with our enemies in ISIS/ISIL, Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, and the FBI in supporting Godless Islamic Barbarianism that threatens to destroy Donald Trump and the American people. Howard Schultz represents the failure of the American Electoral System, by being the reason people might have to think outside of a human-constructed binary pattern that has been in the works for nearly 250 years. But destroying cultural institutions is something that Howard Schultz is familiar with, invoking controversy is within his genome. He is perhaps more of a threat to America than whichever Democrat ends up losing in 2020.

We made a promise to you, the proud and faithful readers, in our mission statement that Bullshit News will never be owned by a mammoth media corporation like the one Howard Schultz has corruptedly run and operated, promoting illicit liberal beverages in an effort to promote Jihads. It is our imperative to remind the faithful Bullshiteers that Howard Schultz is not the man he appears to be in mainstream media outlets. They call him “the one who will put America back together again as he has done before over his famed caffeinated iced beverages”. Howard Schultz is a fraud, a billionaire economy-contributing fraud, but a fraud nonetheless. His plans to run as an independent is an illusion to pretend to distance himself from Democrat Party by pretending to be more of a hardline conservative willing to rule America like Mussolini. He hides is Democratic, Islamic past in an effort to look like a middle class Christian American conservative, which he absolutely is not.

His campaign may last a week, or it could win the presidency. We, the faithful reporters of Bullshit News, are here to remind you again that Howard Schultz is a corrupt nepotistic Democrat who, much like Hillary Clinton in Canada, wants absolute power and will ruin anyone that attempts to step in his way. Bullshit News intends to step in his way to help benefit you, the loyal readers, into voting for a real Republican who has done as much as he can to help as many lives as he possibly can with his current track record, President Donald Trump.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner” in a Manhattan condo.

It’s Time To Sit Down By The Fireside And Talk About Russia

~ DonKaftan ~ 8 Comments

Written by Editor-in-Chief, Don Kaftan

Good day, faithful loyal readers of The Bullshit. Doesn’t it smell like an international crisis is in the air? Never fear, let us unravel the Bullshit News for you. So sit down, light up your pipe (IT BETTER BE LEGAL WHAT YOU’RE SMOKING OR GOD FORBID) right by the fire and let trusty Don Kaftan tell you how to perceive the current state of affairs in our ever-twisting modern age of American liberty.

Tomorrow will be the infamous G20 summit, where countries that are a pedestal below America organize together to talk about economic or war things. Many (dems) are concerned that Donald Trump will talk to Putin about lifting economic sanctions on former enemy/rival, Russia. These sanctions were put in place because of the supposed-hacking and collusion the Russian government had with Donald Trump and his campaign. Recent current events have discussed Russia and its role to the United States, but we here at Bullshit News feel Russia is misguided by American freedom and could be better off if they were freer than Russian denizens currently are. But I’m not here to talk about oppressed poor Russian citizens, I’m here to talk about America, and more specifically, how America can be better off with Russian support.

Russia has been America’s rival ever since they were jealous America killed Hitler first. Stalin, a humanitarian by nature, was driven by competition to win World War II more for Russia and less for helping the spoiled ruins of Europe. Russia gave up once the Nazis were vanquished, so America had to pick up the slack and totally end the war with by bombing the shit out of Imperial Japan into total submission. It worked out great, but Russia was jealous by America’s might and decided that they should go to space to bomb us in an area where we would least expect an attack to hit us, from space. From there they noticed our bombs were Nuclear, and that there’s weren’t yet. So they fixed that problem and became a global threat to us all. Ever since they launched the Sputnik, the United States decided that they will be more powerful in space than the Soviets. Those Russian blowhards thought some stupid satellite the size of a potato would outmatch us putting HUMANS ON THE MOON. The Soviets soon realized they lost the space wars and decided to refocus on the ground agenda, being more powerful on Earth. This worked for a little while.

Puny Jimmy Washington Carter’s peanut farmer logic nearly endangered America’s status as a superpower in the Cold War from his sheer incompetence. Russia was making more money than us, and they were a communist society! Communists aren’t supposed to make money, they’re all supposed to make meager wages and give their lives for the state. Thankfully, American hero Ronald Reagan became president, and America had its charisma again. You see, Russia lacked charisma because they drink Vodka all the time. Russia would later invent Viagra to instill fertility to their impoverished and jaundiced denizens so that they could have babies again, a big problem for them in the late 70’s and early 80’s. President Reagan had an aura of cool, similar to Joe Montana in the clutch, and he was undefeatable in the Foreign Policy game. Germany was so divided because they could not decide whether godless communism or faithful capitalism was a better system for their government. Reagan came along and told Germany to tear down their communist and dystopian wall and ushered in democracy to Germany. This caused the USSR to collapse, and form to their new government which was really their government 100 years ago, Russia.

Russia has been in the news because of their autocrat, Vladimir Putin, and his seemingly powerful control of Russia. Putin has been reported to murder journalists who criticize him (un-American), heavy discrimination and even acts of malice towards those who are not pure Russian (which in a sense is American but also unacceptable and therefore, un-American), as well as reliving the grand Russian tradition of purges (un-American). He is not a nice man by any metrics, well, until he comes to our studio and agrees to do an interview so we can better know the guy. He doesn’t bring with him a nice reputation, but our stoic President, Donald Trump, sees something special in this Putin-feller. We are not sure what, but perhaps Putin is a Lenin/Stalin/Gorbachev apologist, and seeks to undo Russia’s old communist flaws and wants to better Russian society by making it more American.

We asked White House sources for our story to discuss any impact the Russian Government has had on the election, or anything involving Putin’s alleged flings with Donald, but we were not given an email reply back. It seems like if Putin and Trump are working together to make both of our countries great (by say, a trade deal or agreeing to bomb the hell out of Syria and/or North Korea), then the secrecy is a good thing and should be cherished. If Putin is actively trying to undermine American confidence and Donald Trump is acting as a useful idiot for Russia, then that should be discouraged and Trump should be given a stern talking to. Helping Russia has historically been un-American, but with recent social polarization in this country, perhaps undoing old wrongs into rights can be the one catalyst to making our country equal, and great, again. So let’s not worry about Russia for now, and let’s focus on our own country and unifying it so that old threats like Nazi Germany, Imperial Japan, and the United Kingdom don’t threaten our nation and weaken it from the inside. We Americans must be tough on the inside, and equally as tough on the outside so no country may undermine ourselves. Only we, fellow Americans, decide our manifest destiny to mean we either stand together, or die divided.

Don Kaftan is the founder of Bullshitnews.org.  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good strong IPA. He hates paying taxes as much as you do.