Howard Schultz Changes Political Affiliation To Independent In Effort To Corrupt America With Presidential Campaign, Islamic Coffee

Written by Gilbert Miser 

Howard Schultz, the Islamic ex-CEO of Starbucks, has formally announced his presidential campaign for 2020 which he already kickstarted in June 2018, as Bullshit News has covered the moment his campaign began. Howard Schultz, fearing the already large number of unqualified Democrats currently in the running that are not nearly as powerful or rich as he is, has decided to play it safe and run as an independent candidate, otherwise known as the “Ross Perot” or the Joe Leiberman political euthanasia exercise. It is a non-working strategy only the Democrats would use on themselves if they felt too giddy beating Republicans in states by more than a percent margin. Howard Schultz, clearly not an expert in American history, thinks he can use this strategy to get what he wants.

Bullshit News has authorized a boycott on Starbucks since November 2017 when Starbucks unveiled its infamous corporate fatwa by forcing employees to greet customers with the un-American “Happy Holidays” and refusal to recognize Christmas as a holiday and further ignited the War On Christmas. Starbucks aligned with our enemies in ISIS/ISIL, Al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, Hamas, and the FBI in supporting Godless Islamic Barbarianism that threatens to destroy Donald Trump and the American people. Howard Schultz represents the failure of the American Electoral System, by being the reason people might have to think outside of a human-constructed binary pattern that has been in the works for nearly 250 years. But destroying cultural institutions is something that Howard Schultz is familiar with, invoking controversy is within his genome. He is perhaps more of a threat to America than whichever Democrat ends up losing in 2020.

We made a promise to you, the proud and faithful readers, in our mission statement that Bullshit News will never be owned by a mammoth media corporation like the one Howard Schultz has corruptedly run and operated, promoting illicit liberal beverages in an effort to promote Jihads. It is our imperative to remind the faithful Bullshiteers that Howard Schultz is not the man he appears to be in mainstream media outlets. They call him “the one who will put America back together again as he has done before over his famed caffeinated iced beverages”. Howard Schultz is a fraud, a billionaire economy-contributing fraud, but a fraud nonetheless. His plans to run as an independent is an illusion to pretend to distance himself from Democrat Party by pretending to be more of a hardline conservative willing to rule America like Mussolini. He hides is Democratic, Islamic past in an effort to look like a middle class Christian American conservative, which he absolutely is not.

His campaign may last a week, or it could win the presidency. We, the faithful reporters of Bullshit News, are here to remind you again that Howard Schultz is a corrupt nepotistic Democrat who, much like Hillary Clinton in Canada, wants absolute power and will ruin anyone that attempts to step in his way. Bullshit News intends to step in his way to help benefit you, the loyal readers, into voting for a real Republican who has done as much as he can to help as many lives as he possibly can with his current track record, President Donald Trump.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner” in a Manhattan condo.

It’s Time To Sit Down By The Fireside And Talk About Russia

Written by Editor-in-Chief, Don Kaftan

Good day, faithful loyal readers of The Bullshit. Doesn’t it smell like an international crisis is in the air? Never fear, let us unravel the Bullshit News for you. So sit down, light up your pipe (IT BETTER BE LEGAL WHAT YOU’RE SMOKING OR GOD FORBID) right by the fire and let trusty Don Kaftan tell you how to perceive the current state of affairs in our ever-twisting modern age of American liberty.

Tomorrow will be the infamous G20 summit, where countries that are a pedestal below America organize together to talk about economic or war things. Many (dems) are concerned that Donald Trump will talk to Putin about lifting economic sanctions on former enemy/rival, Russia. These sanctions were put in place because of the supposed-hacking and collusion the Russian government had with Donald Trump and his campaign. Recent current events have discussed Russia and its role to the United States, but we here at Bullshit News feel Russia is misguided by American freedom and could be better off if they were freer than Russian denizens currently are. But I’m not here to talk about oppressed poor Russian citizens, I’m here to talk about America, and more specifically, how America can be better off with Russian support.

Russia has been America’s rival ever since they were jealous America killed Hitler first. Stalin, a humanitarian by nature, was driven by competition to win World War II more for Russia and less for helping the spoiled ruins of Europe. Russia gave up once the Nazis were vanquished, so America had to pick up the slack and totally end the war with by bombing the shit out of Imperial Japan into total submission. It worked out great, but Russia was jealous by America’s might and decided that they should go to space to bomb us in an area where we would least expect an attack to hit us, from space. From there they noticed our bombs were Nuclear, and that there’s weren’t yet. So they fixed that problem and became a global threat to us all. Ever since they launched the Sputnik, the United States decided that they will be more powerful in space than the Soviets. Those Russian blowhards thought some stupid satellite the size of a potato would outmatch us putting HUMANS ON THE MOON. The Soviets soon realized they lost the space wars and decided to refocus on the ground agenda, being more powerful on Earth. This worked for a little while.

Puny Jimmy Washington Carter’s peanut farmer logic nearly endangered America’s status as a superpower in the Cold War from his sheer incompetence. Russia was making more money than us, and they were a communist society! Communists aren’t supposed to make money, they’re all supposed to make meager wages and give their lives for the state. Thankfully, American hero Ronald Reagan became president, and America had its charisma again. You see, Russia lacked charisma because they drink Vodka all the time. Russia would later invent Viagra to instill fertility to their impoverished and jaundiced denizens so that they could have babies again, a big problem for them in the late 70’s and early 80’s. President Reagan had an aura of cool, similar to Joe Montana in the clutch, and he was undefeatable in the Foreign Policy game. Germany was so divided because they could not decide whether godless communism or faithful capitalism was a better system for their government. Reagan came along and told Germany to tear down their communist and dystopian wall and ushered in democracy to Germany. This caused the USSR to collapse, and form to their new government which was really their government 100 years ago, Russia.

Russia has been in the news because of their autocrat, Vladimir Putin, and his seemingly powerful control of Russia. Putin has been reported to murder journalists who criticize him (un-American), heavy discrimination and even acts of malice towards those who are not pure Russian (which in a sense is American but also unacceptable and therefore, un-American), as well as reliving the grand Russian tradition of purges (un-American). He is not a nice man by any metrics, well, until he comes to our studio and agrees to do an interview so we can better know the guy. He doesn’t bring with him a nice reputation, but our stoic President, Donald Trump, sees something special in this Putin-feller. We are not sure what, but perhaps Putin is a Lenin/Stalin/Gorbachev apologist, and seeks to undo Russia’s old communist flaws and wants to better Russian society by making it more American.

We asked White House sources for our story to discuss any impact the Russian Government has had on the election, or anything involving Putin’s alleged flings with Donald, but we were not given an email reply back. It seems like if Putin and Trump are working together to make both of our countries great (by say, a trade deal or agreeing to bomb the hell out of Syria and/or North Korea), then the secrecy is a good thing and should be cherished. If Putin is actively trying to undermine American confidence and Donald Trump is acting as a useful idiot for Russia, then that should be discouraged and Trump should be given a stern talking to. Helping Russia has historically been un-American, but with recent social polarization in this country, perhaps undoing old wrongs into rights can be the one catalyst to making our country equal, and great, again. So let’s not worry about Russia for now, and let’s focus on our own country and unifying it so that old threats like Nazi Germany, Imperial Japan, and the United Kingdom don’t threaten our nation and weaken it from the inside. We Americans must be tough on the inside, and equally as tough on the outside so no country may undermine ourselves. Only we, fellow Americans, decide our manifest destiny to mean we either stand together, or die divided.

Don Kaftan is the founder of Bullshitnews.org.  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. He enjoys his steak medium rare with a good strong IPA. He hates paying taxes as much as you do.