Tag: Religion

If You Don’t Go To Church You Are A Terrorist

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson 

Church is one of the most fabled and pure aspects of American culture. All of our great leaders and presidents (save for one) have gone to church in order to understand how taxes and Jesus work. Nowadays, the millennials and their offspring (The “Gen Z”) have long abandoned America’s old piety ways of understanding exceptionalism, and have decided to engage in terrorist activities to fight back against Jesus and his gospel of fun and influential stories.  No, the children today have decided that Antifa is more important to their lives than the Bible and Jesus Christ. They have renounced the good old ways of American living in exchange for godless Islamic barbarianism.

Our children adamantly refuse to go to church, and membership rates across the country have been trending downward as a result. As the millennial and gen z-ers defy the norms of tradition and lawfulness, their actions have consequences from the eyes of God. Children inadequately informed about proper handgun training in schools has lead them to be shot by those of the Islam adherence. The children are more than likely to have drug-addled brains. And they love drinking their coffee from Starbucks. The cult of anti-Christianity and their pro antifa views have made our children more susceptible to globalism, causing a major rot in their brains.

Nonetheless, we can avert all of this. ALL OF THIS with one simple and easy solution. Well, it’s not easy but it is the right thing to do. We need to bring our children back to church. Or bring the church back to the kids, I’m not sure which is more effective but the end result is the same. Once our children go back to church, they will clearly see the real horrors that Islam and antifa create on our society, and will learn to see the error of their ways. It’s the only way to get Satan out of their system.

To all the children reading this, desperately hoping to read or hear advice given to you by older, wiser people like myself: I know what rebelling against authority is like. When I was younger, I went to a Muddy Waters concert, and was dancing along those satanic rhythms of “Blues” until I learned the error of my ways when I went to church the week after. I learned that “blues” and “rock and roll” were both constructions created by the Devil to tempt our faith in society. That revelation shocked me more than Moses on the Temple Mount. That was the day I learned I had to become a pastor and tell people how to lead their lives the correct and prosperous way.

My final word to you children is this: it is not hard to do the right thing. The right thing is abandoning your rebellion tactics. Antifa isn’t going to save you, they will harvest your organs and sell them on the black market in order for them to pay off their legal bills. Godless Islamic Terrorism will only make you stray further from God’s light and puts you on the slippery slope towards Judaism. The world is a dangerous and disturbing place, but with Jesus and Church, the world illuminates a more peaceful path to gratification.

That and voting for President Trump in November, they are not mutually exclusive. If you don’t vote for Trump, the terrorists will win, and your absence in church is letting those same terrorists win. So please, contemplate to the bottom of your soul and let Jesus come into your mouth. Let his words flow into your veins beyond your throat. And swallow all the lessons of the Bible into your soul (and leave room for Jonah’s whale). Only when you can understand the virtues of Christianity and weekly church attendance will the youth can comprehend the horrors of antifa Islam.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Wahhabis, excluding Buddhists. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

God Is Enacting His Revenge Upon California

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written by Roger Goodmen

Within the last week, you might have read or watched the mainstream media talk about California experiencing wildfires in Sonoma and Los Angeles County, or last year when the same two counties (and some other ones) also experienced wildfires. This is no coincidence, and in the minds of liberals, they believe that “climate change” is the main culprit behind these wildfires that have destroyed tens of thousands of acres of land to burnt wine and ash. However, this is exactly what liberals want: unwarranted destruction of American land in order to blame conservatives for not spending more money cleaning our already clean and pure air and water so that greedy scientists in state universities should receive more money. The real reason these fires started is because of something much more sinister, the lack of attention the Millenials and “Gen Z” California teenagers pay to the Bible and the apathy that their state has over the Christian religion.

As we know in the older bible the Jews prefer to read over the more realistic and true bible, God is very vengeful and doesn’t like being ignored. The only reason God told Noah to build an ark is that he was sick of liberals engaging in sodomy so frequently that the only solution to end all abominations of homosexuality (but not the gay people) was to flood the whole Earth and start over again. Job ate pork once and he lost everything he loved dearly, except for God. The one true constant in all of our lives is that God will always be around and that doubting his power or not listening to God will result in devastating consequences, such as these wildfires over the United States of America’s most treasonous state.

So why has God struck vengeance against California? If you’re a longtime reader of our much-celebrated website, then you know that California is the place where everything goes wrong and progress falls off a steep cliff. California is home to a large number of Atheists and Jews (read: sinners) that try to enact their values over the entire California population via laws that control the mobility of people, whether it’s by taxes or other unwanted and needless forms of regulation, or because California refuses to accept Jesus Christ as their Official State Prophet. California was given plenty of time to revert their hedonistic and vanity culture by God, but God is not a patient man. He only wanted to flood the Earth for 40 days when he could have flooded the planet for 4,000 years. God is like a CEO or a COO, he has plans and expects actions to be met by a certain deadline, and if the deadline passes and the plans don’t go through, the CEO or COO will act accordingly. God is no different from a CEO or COO, and his patience is gone.

God’s targets make a lot of sense if you have kept up with your weekly Bible study group. God wanted to burn down Sonoma and Napa county for they are known for producing wine, a form of alcohol that enables people to relax and become inebriated in a pseudo-relaxing stance, a deadly combination of gluttony and sloth. Los Angeles County is experiencing wildfires because of Lust, Wrath, and for allowing Harvey Weinstein to run a production company for a long, long time. I could spend the rest of this article talking about how Los Angeles is one of the worst and most sinful places on the planet (up there with Djibouti and Tibet), but I fear for our conservative readers trapped in California are very aware of this, and they need more help then their State receives from their energy company, PG&E.

Money will not save California, as they reportedly produce their fair share of GDP to the USA (citation needed). This is a problem caused by a lack of faith or luster for God and has gone on long enough for Him to notice. The damages done to California thus far are enormous and could have been avoided if only their devotion to God was stronger than Las Vegas’s penchant for immorality (but done in an ethical manner). The mainstream media has been blaming PG&E for shutting off power to Californians (who I suppose, care more about their computer-phone Netflixes rather than living) rather than enacting more strict safety standards, which is a bland liberal talking point. Forcing PG&E to do more things via laws or more strict regulations will only enable PG&E to do more work and create a bigger mess, that is unless they change their power lines for Bible verses.

California’s true problems lie in their lack of (any or all) faith with the covenant of God and their state philosophy of hedonism and immorality. California’s stubbornness to accept reality (God and his Son, Jesus Christ of Nazareth) and overly controlling their energy department has led California to suffer from more atrocious wildfires than the ones they dealt with last year. And it will continue to get worse from a yearly standpoint until California accepts a more positive relationship with Him. So please, if you are in the state of California and you don’t want your home, your car or your wife/husband to burn down anytime soon, go find your local church and start praying. Daily. Because God is an impatient, omnipotent force and he knows if you’re obeying him, or if you’re obeying Satan.

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.

Is President Donald Trump Not Only One Of The Greatest Presidents Of All Time, But Could He Be God?

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

President Donald Trump accepted praise from a significant holy pastor whose rank is higher than my own, Wayne Allyn Root. To keep his description neatly brief, he is able to communicate to God with a much higher profile. Now longtime faithful readers of the Bullshit News know that I, too, can speak to God unlike some other mear “pastor” or “priest” or “Imam”. Don’t get me started on those “rabbis” and their ribbiting.

Holy Pastor Root proclaims that God declared President Trump from his latest revelation that was communicated via the medium of Twitter: “Jewish people in Israel love him…. like he’s the King Of Israel. They love him like he’s the Second Coming Of GOD“. And if Wayne Allyn Root is my superior in my field, to say in Republican terms, then he must be correct. And as Donald Trump continues to Make America Great Again, it appears to be that he has made America, and consequently Israel, into the most divine and blessed areas on Earth. Thus, with the almighty power that President Donald Trump has, is he God? I will do the science and thinking for you to read and ponder.

For you see, President Trump has made his initial iconic promise which is to “Make America Great Again”. Yes, it may be a broad goal or ambition to achieve something which may not bluntly appear on a political platform, but Jesus Christ (of Nazareth) also ran on similar principles when he wanted to be a priest. And, like Jesus, Donald Trump has never lost an election or business venture. When Jesus was allegedly defying God, he was persecuted and sentenced to death. When Donald Trump was allegedly defying God, in the eyes of mass media and The Daily Caller, he was persecuted more-so then Christ (as Jesus of Nazareth did not live in an era where “social media” existed more than cave paintings) and half of the country, unpatriotic and not wavering to Democracy as much as they ought to, want him dead. Aside from the era of technology we live in, this analysis is spot-on and explains how America is working today.

The Democrats have often engaged in anti-Christ behavior and ideology, which is no surprise to many of you faithful readers of Bullshit News. But sometimes we need to say the obvious out loud (…or rather type it out loud) because of the centrists and moderates that are as uncertain in ideology as they are people are unaware of the Democratic Party’s tricks when it comes to taking over America via radical ideologies like socialism. God, like Donald Trump, was also persecuted by the very own people he claimed were “chosen” to receive “his book”. What God also shares in personality is his breviloquence in ideology. God and President Trump don’t need to orate essays onto the masses that are too busy watching the TV on their smartphones, they know the brevity of their words is what gives them their power. The New Testament and The Art Of The Deal are about the same length words-wise and both can be finished in the same amount of time, the only difference between the two books is the slightly more modern language found in TAOTD.

But Holy Pastor Root’s revelations have been a source of controversy from, you guessed it, the Democratic Party. DNC activists like Joe Biden and John Delaney have called one of the greatest pastors in American history “blasphemous” and “an act against God” as if these democrats have ever once stepped into church and talked to God, let alone ever studied a day of theology in their lives! How could these incompetent and potentially impotent men ever claim they know the words of the Lord if they act rebelliously against Christ? They know nothing, like all Democrats, but they have the audacity to claim they are at a higher level with God then pastors like Wayne Root and me.

Blasphemy aside, Pastor Root also gave word that President Trump, according to God and his best friend Jesus Christ, will be the one to save us from the apocalypse and Hell from appearing on Earth (aside from Albania). Heretics from the DNC will be burned on the cross soon enough, for when the moment the apocalypse will finally start, no one will be spared unless they are Christian (as the Bible dictates). Upon my own experiences on reading the Bible for the 187,325th time in my lifetime, I can assure you that anyone God-fearing, Christian, and Republican will be saved for the most part, but any Democrat that claims they are with Christ yet supports socialism and/or various other evil ideologies, they will not be spared. This includes Jews.

And once Trump was nominated to be the leading nominee for the Republican Party back in 2016, I was all but certain that if the apocalypse were about to happen (which it nearly did under the Barack Obama regime), the GOP would find a way to save us with a real Christian to help prevent the worst from happening. And among all the GOP nominees in 2016, President Trump was the one that was THE MOST Christian of ALL of them, the most pious, and righteously the one with the most patriotic fervor to care and uphold American values that are explicitly stated in the constitution. And as President Trump saves us from the apocalypse on November 8th, 2016, a feat bigger than anything Jesus ever truly did, is when I initially began to ponder, is Donald Trump actually greater than God himself (for what he has done to our country)?

President Trump on the outside may not appear to be a humble man, but his belief and devotion to Christ and God are strong on the inside. President Trump, like God, does not play games (unless it’s golf every now and then), but they rule similarly. While Democrats engage in blasphemy and oppose any sort of bipartisan legislation meant to better the country, And while the Democratic Party cannot wait to usher in the apocalypse and the end of the world as we know it, President Donald Trump will be here to stand guard and defend Christianity from not only the Godless Islamic Barbarians and Jewish Inquistadors, but to defend America as commanded from the Lord himself. So when it comes to the “Greatest Presidents Of All Time”, there’s only one president who was literally commanded by God to run this country, and his name is Donald Trump.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Scientologists, excluding Druids. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Religious Liberty Is Precisely The Reason Atheism Makes No Sense

~ DonKaftan ~ 5 Comments

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

Friends, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was assassinated for speaking out on his beliefs. The First Commandment, like the First Amendment, is about treating everyone equally with altruism and respect. However, every commandment has exceptions and clauses only the most scholarly priests and pastors know. It’s like being a lawyer but communicating with God and not having to bother dealing with more than one book. The existence of “Atheism”, a virus originating from San Francisco inside a Nancy Pelosi-funded elementary school class, is now more than just a virus: it is a threat to our national security.

Atheism is the denial that God exists with strong condemnation. There is no Atheist book that summarizes their entire ideology so I can do a much better job in one news article than Charles Darwin could ever muster. Denying a God, or being in a Godless state of mind, has much more to do with terrorism than our Creator who enabled us to make differences in life like planting trees or growing tomatoes to sell at above market value. ISIS is a Godless Islamic Terrorist heathen organization that is a haven for Atheism. Atheists do not have a moral compass to know wrong from right, which is very evident in the fact that they do not have a book that highlights their ethical tenets. Prominent Atheists like Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Mahatma Gandhi helped kick-start ISIS in the 1970’s, which is around the time the War on Christmas spearheaded as a Democratic Party collaborative effort to garner more voters. With no regard for a code of morality or standards of ethics, it’s easy to see why Atheists behave they way that they are.

Religious liberty is one of the many variants of liberty, but it is among one of the most important. Believe me. Religious liberty allows persecuted Christians to preach and speak freely without having to die for their beliefs. The same can be said for other religions like Catholicism or Judaism. Atheism is not a religion and does not share the same problems Christianity has. Atheism is a decision, which still is fair under the First Amendment, but like choosing to murder someone, it doesn’t mean that it’s right. The United States of America even gives religious liberty to the Jews as a measure of how non-Christian religious organizations can not worry about dying in the name of some other, foreign God. After all, the United States of America was a country that originated from the tolerance of puritans.

The United States is a country rich with a diversity of faith, but that comes with a set of dangers as well. Dangerous and destructive ideologies like Agnosticism and Atheism let their people live without order and authority, lacking central beliefs with such an Anarchist worldview. This new wave of pernicious rhetoric is becoming more increasingly common with the youth hip rock groups these days like “The Millennials”. These “The Millennials” are also more likely to believe in Satanism and that its tenets are valid. While this could be perceived as a bigger threat than Atheism, the Church of Satan does have a book they base their flawed and fictitious ideology around. It is very telling that Satanists somehow have higher ethical standards and a stronger moral code than what Atheists lack.

Be careful young BullShiteers out there on the college campuses, and watch out for “The Millennials” if they are performing nearby at your local music venue. There could also be Agnostic ISIS Satanist vegans lurking at your nearby workplace employment recreational area, on your lunch break. Or worse, as a neighbor. But remember, if anyone attempts to violate your religious liberties, you can always strike back on Sundays. The Lord awaits.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Agnostics, excluding the Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Point/Counterpoint: Christianity (Or “Islam”?)

~ DonKaftan ~ 2 Comments

Written by Sgt. Louis Gates II and Pastor John Mathewson

In another installment of our hit series, Point/Counterpoint,  Sgt. Louis Gates the Second and Pastor John Mathewson debate about which of the two religions in the world, Christianity and Islam are the best, and which one engages with Sharia Law and desires rampant terrorism all across the world. Should people be following Islam or Christianity?

 

Sgt. Louie Gates II: Point: Islam has only existed for so long because of their fearsome leadership. Islam’s leaders included histories most barbaric, Godless, and terrorist acts of horror from Ghanghis Khan to Hitler. Their leaders in the post-Mohammed era have only reinforced their brutal methods of torture to survive.

Pastor John Mathewson: Counterpoint: Christianity has existed even longer than Islam from purely pacificist actions. Christianity has survived over countless millennia despite rampant persecution against them. You can have a religion and not be violent about it or prissy like Judaism.

SLG2: Point: Islam’s culture revolves around oppressing women, which is 100% unAmerican. The Middle Eastern countries don’t let women vote or treat their babies-in-making.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christian culture focuses on the purity of women and their use in procreation. Did Islam ever have a queen to lead them? I thought so.

SLG2: Point: Islam’s set of laws and codes, Sharia, is what unifies all Islamists in the Middle East to consistently create terrorist NGOs whose sole purpose in existence is the destruction of the American world. Take the United Nations or ISIS for example. Islam cannot rest until there are “shawarma trucks” on every street corner in America.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity is guided by the greatest man who ever lived, Jesus Christ. A man so pure that Mohammed is the exact opposite, the Anti-Christ. Christianity has won many crusades and has survived adversity for giving people a life of liberty and freedom, concepts that are never brought up or endorsed in Sharia Law.

SLG2: Point: Islam retains order through murder and other violent acts of crime. It is permitted to behead a woman if she misses her daily communal bus ride just once under Sharia. If a woman does not bear a child by age 12, she is stoned to death on the streets. In Saudi Arabia, it is successful Pay-Per-View television. This would be impossible under Christianity.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity has always preached non-violence and uses order without force to achieve peace and military victories. Christians are only violent in self-defense, against those Godless Islamic Heathens and Jews that dared to challenge their beliefs through the ages.

SLG2: Point: Islam believes the world is older than 6,000 years, following the “Global Warming/Al Gore” theory.

PJM: Counterpoint: The Bible tells us stories of yore. It is not only a moral compass but a historic document from the early human era. WE DON’T COME FROM MONKEYS MISS NANCY PELOSI!!!

SLG2: Point: Islamic culture supports the Democratic Party and allows abortions to be done for free. Also, their culture permeates communism. Almost like the USSR but if they believed in God.

PJM: Counterpoint: A good God-fearing Christian is a natural Republican Party supporter. And more than likely an NRA supporter as well.

SLG2: Point: Islam supports multiculturalism and political correctness as alternatives to tolerance. They use their words as weapons.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity has always been a peaceful religion so long as you pray to the Lord and do not question it. Respect and passionate kindness always prevails violent, threatening rhetoric.

SLG2: Point: Islam does not center around a God or any deity, instead the Islam adherents observe their set of the Bill of Rights or Ten Commandments, Sharia Law. Sharia Law allows those of the Islamic tradition to get away with anything without regard to morality, including the use of chemical weapons.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity allows you to apologize without having to invent nuclear weapons.

SLG2: Point: Islam began the drug wars by creating opioids like marijuana and cocaine in order to drug their followers into believing their Quran.

PJM: Counterpoint: A proper Christian who wishes to meet Christ up in heaven will have never taken an illegal drug that would incriminate their rapture status. Christians do not use illicit means to conduct proselytization.

SLG2: Point: Mohammed will send you to Islam hell for drawing or photographing him.

PJM: Counterpoint: Jesus Christ is waiting for you in Heaven to autograph whatever you want.

As the planet soon approaches 8 billion people, it’s important to understand that we will have differences with each other. This is why religion, politics, and economics exist, to sort things out for the better human. The country with the best and strongest tools by the time of the rapture (varies per religion) will be the ones sent to Heaven and avoid endless torment on Earth until life is no more. Until then, liberals will continue to invent fake conflicts and miscellaneous problems to distract us from the real problems that happen right now on Earth.

Sgt. Louie Gates II is Bullshit News’ correspondent on national security and military issues. He owns five Rottweilers and is a huge Boston Red Sox fan. He is faithful to his wife LaShawnda Gates and has two daughters. He served in the military many times and received a purple heart for his valiant efforts to protect our country.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Methodists, excluding Greek Orthodox. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

The Obama Administration Continues To Promote Blasphemy In Our Public Schools

~ DonKaftan ~ 7 Comments

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

That damning lie created by hell child Charles Darwin has corrupted our ways of thinking in our God-fearing commie-fighting country. American children are subjected to liberal textbooks and “science classes” designed to promote polytheistic religions like Islam, the Deist dudes, and Catholicism. Quite frankly it is absolutely disgusting and abhorrent. The education system in the United States is a swamp filled with political correctness and proselytizing hedonism that promotes the immoral ways of reproduction. And worst of all, they educate the belief that there may be more than one God.

One of the worst classes our beloved children must attend in secondary school is “Biology”, where they do not learn germ theory, but gender theory. The theory that there are “an endless amount of genders” because evolution claims that we come from monkey clams fishing in the sea! Preposterous! Who could believe this leftist trash? What sort of hippie Gestapo cult lies within the Trump Administration? How can Betsy DeVos allow this kind of “knowledge” to be spread to children who don’t know how to speak formal coherent sentences? And don’t let me begin about what they teach about “sexual reproduction”.

Why must our children be subjected to Catholicism? My female off-spring, Annabelle, goes to our local public school and she told me, “Meep, Alfalfa, and the Holy Ghost”. I nearly had a heart attack. Why does my child know about this polytheistic chant from my public education school? It is a shame that our government cannot be perfect, but we cannot shame Betsy DeVos for inheriting this evil Islam education from the “Barack Hussein Obama” administration that poisoned our White House a decade ago. There is much cleaning and praying to do before our Protestant education system is purified again. Mike Pence needs to have a closer inspection to these schools that teach the damned evolution mythos as a fact. We KNOW Earth is six thousand years old, and our education system refuses to update their eighty-year-old textbooks that teach these Communist lies.

I must confess a family tragedy, Annabelle came back to public school Thursday evening and converted to Judaism. She converted because she noticed one of her so-called “friends” at lunch-hour eat a Jew food known as “Lox”. Annabelle had one bite of the “Lox”, and her religion that I worked so hard to spread the good Gospel of Jesus, just left me like that. I’m still disgusted to my core that my daughter is Jewish, and it’s not fair. I told her I will not drive her to their services because services to the Lord are reserved for Sundays, and she tells me that I can’t drive her to “Synagogue” because their “God” says they are not permitted to work on the day of rest and driving is seen as working. What sort of convoluted and bureaucratic faith is that? Why does this Judaism have that many strict and specific rules? What sort of God do these Jews pray to, Buddha? Abraham? Genghis Khan? They clearly need Jesus to simplify their views on life. With Jesus, it’s like one CAPTCHA away from being admitted into Heaven. The only password you need is God.

Yet my daughter prefers the “Lox” and “Saturday Services with acoustic guitars” over the good Lord and Sunday Bible stories. This would never have been possible if it weren’t for our corrupt Education system being swamped from the Hussein Obama education abomination creating these “Common Core” principles. What is “common” for “Obama” is abnormal, irregular, and absolute BLASPHEMY that has not been purged from our government system. But it does not remove my faith in our sacred country. America is still #1 in everything important about being a free American in the world.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including druids, excluding polytheists.