If You Don’t Go To Church You Are A Terrorist

Written by Pastor John Mathewson 

Church is one of the most fabled and pure aspects of American culture. All of our great leaders and presidents (save for one) have gone to church in order to understand how taxes and Jesus work. Nowadays, the millennials and their offspring (The “Gen Z”) have long abandoned America’s old piety ways of understanding exceptionalism, and have decided to engage in terrorist activities to fight back against Jesus and his gospel of fun and influential stories.  No, the children today have decided that Antifa is more important to their lives than the Bible and Jesus Christ. They have renounced the good old ways of American living in exchange for godless Islamic barbarianism.

Our children adamantly refuse to go to church, and membership rates across the country have been trending downward as a result. As the millennial and gen z-ers defy the norms of tradition and lawfulness, their actions have consequences from the eyes of God. Children inadequately informed about proper handgun training in schools has lead them to be shot by those of the Islam adherence. The children are more than likely to have drug-addled brains. And they love drinking their coffee from Starbucks. The cult of anti-Christianity and their pro antifa views have made our children more susceptible to globalism, causing a major rot in their brains.

Nonetheless, we can avert all of this. ALL OF THIS with one simple and easy solution. Well, it’s not easy but it is the right thing to do. We need to bring our children back to church. Or bring the church back to the kids, I’m not sure which is more effective but the end result is the same. Once our children go back to church, they will clearly see the real horrors that Islam and antifa create on our society, and will learn to see the error of their ways. It’s the only way to get Satan out of their system.

To all the children reading this, desperately hoping to read or hear advice given to you by older, wiser people like myself: I know what rebelling against authority is like. When I was younger, I went to a Muddy Waters concert, and was dancing along those satanic rhythms of “Blues” until I learned the error of my ways when I went to church the week after. I learned that “blues” and “rock and roll” were both constructions created by the Devil to tempt our faith in society. That revelation shocked me more than Moses on the Temple Mount. That was the day I learned I had to become a pastor and tell people how to lead their lives the correct and prosperous way.

My final word to you children is this: it is not hard to do the right thing. The right thing is abandoning your rebellion tactics. Antifa isn’t going to save you, they will harvest your organs and sell them on the black market in order for them to pay off their legal bills. Godless Islamic Terrorism will only make you stray further from God’s light and puts you on the slippery slope towards Judaism. The world is a dangerous and disturbing place, but with Jesus and Church, the world illuminates a more peaceful path to gratification.

That and voting for President Trump in November, they are not mutually exclusive. If you don’t vote for Trump, the terrorists will win, and your absence in church is letting those same terrorists win. So please, contemplate to the bottom of your soul and let Jesus come into your mouth. Let his words flow into your veins beyond your throat. And swallow all the lessons of the Bible into your soul (and leave room for Jonah’s whale). Only when you can understand the virtues of Christianity and weekly church attendance will the youth can comprehend the horrors of antifa Islam.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Wahhabis, excluding Buddhists. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Is Q and his ‘QAnon’ The Second Coming Of Jesus Christ?

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

For those of you searching the Internets for your latest “Grubhub”, you might have come across a group of passionately devoted followers of Jesus Christ who call themselves the “QAnon(s)”. The QAnon group of devoted evangelicals is, to put it simply, a large group of patriots extremely devoted to President Trump and his teachings, as well as good ol’ Jesus. They call themselves QAnon in order to hide their identities from oppressive liberals that would hunt them down and convert them to the Nancy Pelosi ideology of pure evil and callousness under The Deep State. The Q’s as they like to be called, are some of the most vigorous and toughest allies of the Trump Administration in their war against the evil atheist immorberal ideology, but there is always more than meets the eye when it comes to QAnon.

The leader of the QAnon militia to plowshares movement is a man only known by the alias, “Q”. Q has strong parallels to Jesus Christ. Both are presumed to be in their early 30’s, both invoke the wrath of God if nothing correct comes their way, and we know nothing else about them. From the outside, it would be easy to deem Q and his anon followers of Jesus to be a ‘hoax’ when this is far from the case. QAnon is very much a real and important lobby of Republican voters who will go to bat against the evil Democrat Deep State Party and their desire to end America as we know it. These followers rally with slogans such as “Where We Go One We Go All” (whatever the hell that means),  “The Storm” a hopeful event where the Deep State is overthrown in a tidal storm, and “The Great Awakening” which refers to President Trump’s inevitable reelection.

While the QAnon movement is full of people who will be our future politicians and civic leaders, Q only seems to talk in cryptic riddles to hide their identity, only posting to an imageboard-like website of what appears to be a Xanga. We’ve requested interviews with Q, to no response. It’s unfortunate we can’t hear the beautiful James Baldwin-esque prose of these young Republicans. It is therefore safe to assume that “Q” is the reincarnation of Jesus Christ. Never in my 106 (approaching 107 this month) years of living on God’s green Earth have I ever encountered such poetry that has touched my soul since Casey At The Bat. His words have galvanized a new base within the Republican Party full of brave men and women whose only politics consist of truthiness.

The main antagonist to Q and his “anons” are the very real threat that is The Deep State. The Deep State is a long-running hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department that engage in elaborate tactics the common American is unaware about. These tactics mostly include general Democratic Party racketeering and as QAnon followers allege, is the center of a massive pedophile ring across the United States. Since the Deep State works in secrecy it is hard to validate the veracity, unless you believe and worship Jesus Christ 2.0, Q. Q admits he is a member of “The Deep State” and that he must communicate his messages anonymously onto the Internet in order for people to be aware that the Deep State exists and is actively harmful to us all. Does this all remind you of a heavenly figure named Jesus Christ? The parallels don’t stop there.

Jesus Christ was also involved in a hidden government organization within another hidden counter-intelligence government department within the Roman Empire. Jesus Christ claimed WAS the Second Coming of the Messiah to the Jewish People.  Jesus Christ was operating under the Catholic Empire, the Deep State of its era. Jesus had to spread his messages in hiding or be subject to Judeo-Roman tyranny. Not to mention the pedophile ring that occurred in the Roman Empire. Yes, these stories are too odd to be so coincidental So similar in fact the Texas Sharpshooter fallacy cannot even apply. Q, much more likely than it can be unlikely, is the Second Coming of Jesus Christ that we were told about in The Bible. If this were not the case, Q would not be able to spread his Xanga iambic pentameter prose on the Internet. And without Jesus, Q could not possibly exist. They are symbiotic, which means there is danger at our door.

We must devote all our resources into finding and dissolving this Deep State, for Q’s sake. President Trump was elected to solve tough problems, and the Deep State is a significantly deep problem that must be stopped to save our State. No longer should we tolerate shadowy government figures that hide in bureaucracy in heavily windowed buildings, for they are the operatives of the Democratic Party and possible Catholics. These Deep State figures not only tried to revive Jeffery Epstein but were definitely collaborators of OBAMAGATE. President Trump cannot do this alone, we must expose the Deep State by worshiping Jesus Christ every Sunday!! WE DO THIS FOR GOD!!!!

 
Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

Beware Of Frog People

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

My fellow Humans, we are under duress by multiple evil-doers on a daily basis, whether it is the Islamic-Sikh Asaadists or Nancy Pelosi and the evil House Democrat Party Plot. But there are more existential threats to ourselves, the Christian Human race who have roamed the Earth for the last 6,000 years. There is a common conspiracy regarding the existence of “Lizard People”, which is factually unverifiable because God does not like lizards nor brings them up in the bible. It’s why they taste bad. But human beings and only one other animal share a common ancestry: the Frog.

Now you may be wondering about that Evolution myth about some monkeys, fish, plants, birds, rocks, and things but they are never referenced in the New Testament with a connection to the Human Being (except for “things”, you know what they are). However, the Bible does bring up multiple conversations between Jesus Christ and the Frogs. In Revelation 16:13, Jesus fought the Three Dragon-Frog Sinners Of Judaism. In that fight, the Dragon-Frog Jew Sinners with their large and mighty tounges inflicted Jesus’s seed permanently with their Frog DNA, causing some sons and daughters of Jesus (in faith) to possibly turn into these Frog People.

Revelation 16:13 is not Jesus’s only encounter with Frogs or Frog People, but it is his most important encounter. Frogs are routinely referenced as being a plague or scourge and acting as one of Jesus’s many antagonists. You can find that relevant material on this link. Frogs are not very edible, and since they have no other function for us big-brained humans, they are a threat to our existence. They could learn how to use a shotgun or .22 pistol quickly if The Lord is still furious at us for letting his Son die and all that. We must not risk ourselves and the plight of our species against these Frog People.

Now that we know why the Frog People are our enemy, we need to understand why the Frog People must be stopped and permanently exiled or exterminated from our society. You may recognize a “Frog Person” if their skin can become suspiciously green at any time. Sometimes the Frog People can change their skin and back to their Human skin again by a blink’s notice. The following is a description of Frog People and Frog People-like behavior: short in stature, bulgy frog-like eyes, bendable/weak arms and/or legs, large tounges, short appetite, enthusiasts of the musical group “Phish”, ability to jump over large heights, little to no hair, has a strong hobby or interest in swimming or water sports, strong lungs and “shakey” tendencies. Here is a drawing/representation of a frog person:

Frog Person

As you may notice, this frog person is on the lookout to attack or perhaps feast on a Human prey. Their large tounges could catch Jesus and invade his DNA, and Frog People can do it to you as well! They may appear innocent and humanlike, but be warned as the Frog People have sinister intentions and more than likely prefer the Old Testament over the more true and much more faithful New Testament which actually brings up Jesus Christ. Be aware, they are Frog-People, not Frogs. This drawing is a Frog Person in their Frog form, which they can turn into it for roughly 30 milliseconds to as long as three minutes depending on what their False Prophet orders from them if they deem a Human nearby as a threat or as candy.

The False Prophet is the leader of the Frog People, with the leader being chosen in a manner similar to Catholicism and the “Pope”. The False Prophet does not live on Earth–he cannot. He communicates via satellite with remote controls and VHS tape (the only kind of visual media that can work in space, don’t ask NASA, read the Bible) to control his army of frog people that inhabit in at least 3% of the Human Race on our Earth planet. There are rumored to be as many as 13 “False Prophets” operating at any time, but further investigation is needed.

I’m afraid I’m going to have to address to so-called “Frog-Elephant in the room”. There is a common misconception in the mainstream media about the Frog People menace. Liberal occasional MSNBC correspondent Alex Jones has referred to an unknown substance called a “chemical” that turns frogs into homosexual deviants that lust for blood or for some other nefarious and unordinary purpose. This is merely Obama propaganda and can be rationally ignored as nonsense. The Frog People are very much straight and have strong desires to procreate multiple Frog People into existence for they want to take over our planet and replace the human race. Their intentions, while on the outside seem innocent, are genocidal on the inside.

That is all the information I have as of this very moment I can share about the Frog People. There is no true call to action, this is merely a public service announcement. If you see a fellow human “brother or sister” friend of yours, and you notice they have turned into a Frog Person for a rare period of more than 30 seconds, then you must do your sworn Christian Human duty and engage in self-defense on behalf of the Human race. Don’t take it very personally, it’s for our children and their children’s children to live in a pure world free from all threats against humanity. Sacrifices need to be made, feel fortunate that you can do your part against these evil crusaders and help humanity win the battle for God’s love.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Sunni Muslims, excluding Druids. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Is President Donald Trump Not Only One Of The Greatest Presidents Of All Time, But Could He Be God?

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

President Donald Trump accepted praise from a significant holy pastor whose rank is higher than my own, Wayne Allyn Root. To keep his description neatly brief, he is able to communicate to God with a much higher profile. Now longtime faithful readers of the Bullshit News know that I, too, can speak to God unlike some other mear “pastor” or “priest” or “Imam”. Don’t get me started on those “rabbis” and their ribbiting.

Holy Pastor Root proclaims that God declared President Trump from his latest revelation that was communicated via the medium of Twitter: “Jewish people in Israel love him…. like he’s the King Of Israel. They love him like he’s the Second Coming Of GOD“. And if Wayne Allyn Root is my superior in my field, to say in Republican terms, then he must be correct. And as Donald Trump continues to Make America Great Again, it appears to be that he has made America, and consequently Israel, into the most divine and blessed areas on Earth. Thus, with the almighty power that President Donald Trump has, is he God? I will do the science and thinking for you to read and ponder.

For you see, President Trump has made his initial iconic promise which is to “Make America Great Again”. Yes, it may be a broad goal or ambition to achieve something which may not bluntly appear on a political platform, but Jesus Christ (of Nazareth) also ran on similar principles when he wanted to be a priest. And, like Jesus, Donald Trump has never lost an election or business venture. When Jesus was allegedly defying God, he was persecuted and sentenced to death. When Donald Trump was allegedly defying God, in the eyes of mass media and The Daily Caller, he was persecuted more-so then Christ (as Jesus of Nazareth did not live in an era where “social media” existed more than cave paintings) and half of the country, unpatriotic and not wavering to Democracy as much as they ought to, want him dead. Aside from the era of technology we live in, this analysis is spot-on and explains how America is working today.

The Democrats have often engaged in anti-Christ behavior and ideology, which is no surprise to many of you faithful readers of Bullshit News. But sometimes we need to say the obvious out loud (…or rather type it out loud) because of the centrists and moderates that are as uncertain in ideology as they are people are unaware of the Democratic Party’s tricks when it comes to taking over America via radical ideologies like socialism. God, like Donald Trump, was also persecuted by the very own people he claimed were “chosen” to receive “his book”. What God also shares in personality is his breviloquence in ideology. God and President Trump don’t need to orate essays onto the masses that are too busy watching the TV on their smartphones, they know the brevity of their words is what gives them their power. The New Testament and The Art Of The Deal are about the same length words-wise and both can be finished in the same amount of time, the only difference between the two books is the slightly more modern language found in TAOTD.

But Holy Pastor Root’s revelations have been a source of controversy from, you guessed it, the Democratic Party. DNC activists like Joe Biden and John Delaney have called one of the greatest pastors in American history “blasphemous” and “an act against God” as if these democrats have ever once stepped into church and talked to God, let alone ever studied a day of theology in their lives! How could these incompetent and potentially impotent men ever claim they know the words of the Lord if they act rebelliously against Christ? They know nothing, like all Democrats, but they have the audacity to claim they are at a higher level with God then pastors like Wayne Root and me.

Blasphemy aside, Pastor Root also gave word that President Trump, according to God and his best friend Jesus Christ, will be the one to save us from the apocalypse and Hell from appearing on Earth (aside from Albania). Heretics from the DNC will be burned on the cross soon enough, for when the moment the apocalypse will finally start, no one will be spared unless they are Christian (as the Bible dictates). Upon my own experiences on reading the Bible for the 187,325th time in my lifetime, I can assure you that anyone God-fearing, Christian, and Republican will be saved for the most part, but any Democrat that claims they are with Christ yet supports socialism and/or various other evil ideologies, they will not be spared. This includes Jews.

And once Trump was nominated to be the leading nominee for the Republican Party back in 2016, I was all but certain that if the apocalypse were about to happen (which it nearly did under the Barack Obama regime), the GOP would find a way to save us with a real Christian to help prevent the worst from happening. And among all the GOP nominees in 2016, President Trump was the one that was THE MOST Christian of ALL of them, the most pious, and righteously the one with the most patriotic fervor to care and uphold American values that are explicitly stated in the constitution. And as President Trump saves us from the apocalypse on November 8th, 2016, a feat bigger than anything Jesus ever truly did, is when I initially began to ponder, is Donald Trump actually greater than God himself (for what he has done to our country)?

President Trump on the outside may not appear to be a humble man, but his belief and devotion to Christ and God are strong on the inside. President Trump, like God, does not play games (unless it’s golf every now and then), but they rule similarly. While Democrats engage in blasphemy and oppose any sort of bipartisan legislation meant to better the country, And while the Democratic Party cannot wait to usher in the apocalypse and the end of the world as we know it, President Donald Trump will be here to stand guard and defend Christianity from not only the Godless Islamic Barbarians and Jewish Inquistadors, but to defend America as commanded from the Lord himself. So when it comes to the “Greatest Presidents Of All Time”, there’s only one president who was literally commanded by God to run this country, and his name is Donald Trump.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Scientologists, excluding Druids. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

We Must Remove All “Pornography” Off The Internet

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

The internet has been one of the most revolutionary inventions in the entire world. As a writer on the first conservative website on the world-wide-web, a feat that took twenty-two years, there is a shockingly disgusting amount of pornography on the Internet. Such smut is a shocking display of immorality designed to destroy Christianity from the inside out. Something must be done to remove all these photos of scantily clad women and men pornifying our society.

Sexual intercourse is for procreation purposes only. Unless you’re Barack Obama and want kindergarteners to start breeding to create more Democrats. Pornography in our society encourages the women to engage in abortion, a cardinal sin for almost all religions, even for Catholics. The creation of life is the most important aspect of our existence, and masturbation is some sick game that results in spilling important seeds needed to fertilize our women. All sperm is sacred, and any needless drop of sperm as the result of pornography graphically assaults our society and damages the minds of children awaiting God’s glory.

There should be no surprise that liberals are in favor of masturbation, calling it a “personal liberty”. Democrats don’t understand true freedom is being able to procreate without heinous non-sperm producing devices such as “dildos”, “vibrators”, or any other Satanic-influenced device. It makes perfect sense that Democrats suffer from low testosterone, and are unable to multiply fruitfully, coming from their vegetarian or “vegan” diets based in soy and not testosterone-filled red meat. Thus, the Democrats must use pornography in order to concede to the fact that they are being outnumbered by fertile Republicans. The Democratic Party is a dying breed.

Beyond the so-called “women’s liberation” permitting the legalization of pornography in America, the over-abundance of pornography in our society poses an existential threat to our species. Young boys will prefer to masturbate over finding an ideal humble Christian woman to marry. With more distractions from “smartphones”, condoms, and other pornographic devices that distract our children, what can we do to repurify these millennials? I’m glad you let me ask because my solution is easy and has worked in every era in every generation of human history: the Bible. The Bible educates everyone about the sanctity of life and teaches us the dangers of immorality in our society, like murder, adultery and of course, pornography and masturbation. I lock all the apps on my children’s phones except for The Bible, as technology these days are much too lax and allow such vile filth to be promoted everywhere.

Sadly, the Bible by itself does not end the nonstop distribution of pornography that spreads like a Northern California wildfire. But we have some help in destroying the vile pornography industry. Vice President Mike Pence believes in our mission that pornography is an evil sin that should be banned throughout America. The pornography industry has created a social construction called “sex work”, which is not exclusive to prostitution, pin-up modeling or mutual masturbation. Such “sex work” involves women wearing hardly any clothing at all, soliciting “tokens” on a web-operated camera which can be used to inherit American dollars. These e-harlots refuse to do legal occupations and operate in black markets offline as well. They are agents of sexual trafficking and should be prosecuted as such. The Bible would consider such atrocious acts as sodomy as well.

While many consider the invention of the World Wide Web to be a blessing, it reaps what it sows in morality. The amount of pure evil and vile and shocking displays of “human sexuality” is the decaying moral agent within our society that causes civilization to break down. Such decadence encourages liberal/judicial activism, higher divorce rates, and promoting the Gay Agenda. We must retaliate with the one Book that guides us all under God’s light, and it doesn’t come from “Pornhub”, it comes from Jesus. Jesus, please save our children from the easily-accessible pornography that runs rampant on the world-wide-web. They can’t help themselves.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Evangelicals, excluding Presbyterians. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.