Tag: Christianity

God Needs More Money

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

Hello, faithful and loyal readers of the Bullshit News, it is I, your honorable pastor, John Mathewson. I only wish to communicate with you, the noble Republican reader directly, because the issue that is at hand is beyond compelling through comprehension on what is happening in the world we desire and pray for on a Sunday to Sunday basis.

I have just received a vision from God, and it turns out our holy deity that despises the Islamic religion and the other one with the “yamulkes”, have really hit dire straits. Believe me, believe God, believe in Best Buddy Jesus Christ because Heaven is attempting to construct an all-new Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network to help all of us Christian humans have better communications for this multi-billion dollar corporation in the sky.

For you see, a great and all-powerful man named God runs and operates this multi-billion corporation called Heaven, and the upkeep for Heaven’s costs are astronomically high. If you were to keep taxing God like this, the banks would run and control heaven while forcing God to foreclose and bankrupt his for-prophet organization. But if you are dumb you must be asking yourself one question, “What is a bank?”

If you really are this dumb, I can assist. Banks are places where there are tons of money stored. The money just sits there, doing absolutely nothing, untouched by government or man, but just by the bank itself. This is the money God needs to start constructing a modern and enhanced Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network in Heaven, as well as helping a nephew of a family friend of ours in church, Erik Prince operate Academi, a peacekeeping Christian diplomatic organization that helps the Godless Islamic Barbarians in the Middle East on understanding The Bible.

Giving your money directly to God is quite a difficult thing to do, which is why pastors, priests, and all the others are exchequers of God. Each and every one of us have proper rules regarding finances and avoiding usury from corrupting our souls. But I must bring up the banks again in our conversation, they are also closed on Sundays, which is ridiculous. All of that money in all of those vacant-on-Sundays lots would be better suited in the House of the Lord!

Does anyone know how expensive it is to install a perfectly functional Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network up in Heaven while also quality-assuring and sound-checking the infrastructure once it’s all set up so that God can help process in more lost souls into Heaven while upgrading the media operations for better audio and visual clarity to better boost performance? How else could banks help this out without giving their money on over to us? The thought process is absurd and depressing. We are making God’s work in vain by not helping him out. Thoughts and prayers will not help us here, only financing.

That is why I ask you, faithful and pure Bullshit News viewers and endorsers, who are already not financing Bullshit News, to finance Bullshit News eventually but not right this moment. God’s work is much more important and requires much more precision and accuracy. We all think of God in dark times, and truth be told friends, God thinks he is in hard times due to a large amount of financing left to be told to start the initial process of Heaven’s Telecommunication and Multimedia Broadcast Network system. Please, don’t think of us (just yet), think of God, and how he helps you. And his son Jesus who did his thing and yadda yadda yadda you all understand and hear it every day just like me.

Help them, help me, but most importantly help God, who was/is them. God needs more money, contact your local pastor or priest or otherwise Christian Messenger for more explicit inquiry on how you can help God today, and tomorrow.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Israelites, excluding Agnostics. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Point/Counterpoint: Vaccinations

~ DonKaftan ~ Leave a comment

Written by Sid Phyllis and Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

In the latest of Bullshit News’s long-running award-winning debate series Point/Counterpoint, new Bullshit News correspondent Sid Phyllis and our in-house doctor/lawyer Steven T. Clements debate a newly hot topic that has flustered families across America: vaccines. While vaccines have claimed to cure polio, measles, cholera, etc, there also have been some startling discoveries that vaccines might, in contrast to the liberal science media, can cause some other diseases like cancer, autism, and bromidrosis. So where is the truth between all the other layers of truth? Sid and Dr. Clements debate.

 

POINT: Vaccines have been used extensively since Jonas Salk created the vaccine by Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s selfish idea to radically inflate the United States’ economy over the Great Depression in 1939 as a tax write-off.

COUNTERPOINT: Vaccines have been proven to be lethal in many controlled experiments. In every experiment on vaccinations, 100% of the participants are likely to be deceased in eighty years time. That’s frightening.

POINT: With vaccinations, polio was eradicated along with smallpox, measles, and dysentery. Without vaccines, we could all be dying quicker, which isn’t Christian.

COUNTERPOINT: The common cold is one of the most deadly forms of bacteria around, and yet vaccines cannot “end” the common cold with their “flu shots”. What’s the use?

POINT: Without vaccines, we might have more people dead than all of the abortions put together in the last three years.

COUNTERPOINT: The total amount of abortions in the past three years can’t be qualified because the data for it is not there, an uncountable amount of abortions were committed. We cannot go into “what-ifs” in terms of vaccines, it’s all about the safety. We must be safe before using needles, we all learned this in high school.

POINT: Vaccines have saved many God-loving Jesus-endorsed Christian children, much more than any abortion could prevent.

COUNTERPOINT: Vaccines have also saved an equal number of God-hating Islamic Barbarians that threaten our countries unity.

POINT: Vaccinations have become a national issue over the years because of fears that liberals have increased Mercury and Lead levels in vaccines in order to create mystical “spectrums” that give children a large range of learning disabilities that can only be solved from liberal entrapment otherwise known as “Crystal Healing”. The one place that cures “unruly vaccinations” is located in Marin County, California, a place known for being so liberal that ISIS and the Taliban congregate to plot how to instill terrorism every year in a conference called “TerrorCon”.

COUNTERPOINT: There is no scientific basis that “vaccinations” have ever been considered safe, yet there isn’t a known correlation between vaccinations and terrorism.

POINT: Vaccines cannot possibly be good for us because liberal fascism demands that every American child that goes to a public school must be vaccination. That is not true freedom, it imprisons the liberty of our children and prevents them from being the free Americans they ought to aspire to be from their History books.

COUNTERPOINT: Children can die without being vaccinated, but they can also just get really sick instead. It is better to be extremely sick without being vaccinated once than to get vaccinated and never get sick.

POINT: Autism never existed before the process of Vaccinations was created.

COUNTERPOINT: Neither has gonorrhea or nuclear power.

POINT: Let’s be honest, the America we know and love was perfected in an era where no one worried about Spanish Flu or The English Disease or cancer. There were no vaccinations either. And you know what? We all lived perfectly fine and healthy. It was only until liberals ushered in a public health crisis by inventing vaccinations to intoxicate our children into being communist childless subordinates.

COUNTERPOINT: Ever notice how a “vaccine” is a needle? Needles are primarily used as a means for a drug to enter your body and disrupt your body’s normally healthy process of living sustainment. HIV is just one of many diseases that can be created in the body as a result of needles. If vaccinations were truly 100% healthy and not Marin County Quack Doctorery, they would not be needles!

POINT: Liberals are actually more likely to undergo a “religious exemption” test to avoid vaccinations because they are aware of the dangers and evil inherent within those devices. They maliciously want young Republican Christian children to die in suffering and agony.

COUNTERPOINT: Liberals can’t possibly be too smart to make vaccines dangerous for the future of our children, they must only be in it for the money.

As you can tell, the process and implementation of vaccinations have been quite a hotbed of controversy not only in the political world but in the scientific one as well. We may never truly know the answers to what really happens in the vaccination process but as long as we are all better informed about all sides of this issue. As long as you make the correct decision for your child and raise them right, that’s what really matters. Parenting is about nurturing and supporting your child in the Christian tradition,  and making sure they are not under threat of Antifa or malicious liberals hellbent on making some money unethically.

Sid Phyllis is Bullshit News’s newest correspondent in political affairs and our White House Correspondent. Sid grew up in Chicago and got sick of living in the big city and moved into a rural blue-collar state where the real America is. Instead of going to some elite four-year college, he started a consulting firm in Wyoming (Donavon and Phyllis Firm, or DP Firm) that quickly became the #1 best firm in the state. Sid joined Bullshit News for his qualifications in understanding how the REAL Blue-Collar Americans think.

Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and works as a property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.

Bring On The Rapture!

~ DonKaftan ~ Leave a comment

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

It is such a joyous occasion that we are continued to be guided by divine light in the Year of our Lord, 2019. Many prominent biblical scholars, greater than myself, have often predicted the end times to occur during their own lifetimes, which is a foolish mistake. As Bullshit News’s prominent scholar in eschatology, I know exactly when the rapture is coming. More specifically, I know for certain the rapture is near as the Secretary of State and former Director of the CIA, Mike Pompeo, acknowledged as such in a speech uncovered by digital media forensics right before the end of 2015.

While preaching for religious liberty at Summit Church in Wichita, Kansas, Mike Pompeo discussed his vision of the world, its foreseeable future, and how to fight it:

“We will continue to fight these battles. [Politics] is a never-ending struggle until the Rapture. Be part of it. Be in the fight.” He continued to the God-Fearing Jesus-Loving worshippers, “We’ve lost our spiritual equilibrium and inverted our values. America has worshipped other Gods and called it multiculturalism. And we endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle. We’ve neglecting to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem. The only way to fight this, and to fight the Islamists, is Christianity. Our time might be calling sooner rather than later.”

Mike Pompeo is one of America’s finest statesmen in the 21st century. He did such a stellar job as Director of the CIA that he was promoted to Secretary of State in little over a year! Only some of the brightest minds in our country could ever be Head Director of the CIA to the Secretary of State with such quick turnaround. His experience also means he is likely to know about events going on in the world with much greater clarity than you, me or anyone other than President Donald Trump. If Pompeo believes the end times are coming, stemming from the sick immorberal efforts of the Barack Obama regime and the reincarnated devil from San Francisco who now runs the House of Representatives, then he must be right. A man that high up in power is closer to God than even some of the highest earning CEOs in America.

As we begin our adventures into what may be our final year on Earth, keep in mind that even until the final waking moments of your life, Jesus Christ will always be available to be enabled your personal savior. I was going to make that a disclaimer but Don Kaftan, our editor-in-chief and founder, decided against that. Why 2019 could be our last sand to fall in the bottom of the hourglass is because liberals would rather have the rapture to strike than for Donald Trump to continue his impeccable presidency. And with Mike Pompeo as his chief diplomat, America will be saved for as long as Trump maintains his presidency. For once the Rapture strikes, and it will be soon, America will be given priority as established by God’s Contract to man. And if you don’t believe me, which country was first to successfully install democracy? It was the United States of America, of course.

Mike may not be a pastor, but he wields tremendous responsibility in politics, and to the world. If he fears the end is near, that is an air raid siren going off to every preacher, clergyman, and many messianic rabbis that I know that he is correct in his assessment. There is still time to be saved. But I cannot guarantee you how much time or when. You must feel Jesus Christ in your body, and not within “Victoria’s Secret”. 2019 is the year liberals begin their civil war towards God. America, and Christianity. Will you join in?

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Sunni Islam, excluding Sh’ia Islam. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

 

Religious Liberty Is Precisely The Reason Atheism Makes No Sense

~ DonKaftan ~ 5 Comments

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

Friends, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was assassinated for speaking out on his beliefs. The First Commandment, like the First Amendment, is about treating everyone equally with altruism and respect. However, every commandment has exceptions and clauses only the most scholarly priests and pastors know. It’s like being a lawyer but communicating with God and not having to bother dealing with more than one book. The existence of “Atheism”, a virus originating from San Francisco inside a Nancy Pelosi-funded elementary school class, is now more than just a virus: it is a threat to our national security.

Atheism is the denial that God exists with strong condemnation. There is no Atheist book that summarizes their entire ideology so I can do a much better job in one news article than Charles Darwin could ever muster. Denying a God, or being in a Godless state of mind, has much more to do with terrorism than our Creator who enabled us to make differences in life like planting trees or growing tomatoes to sell at above market value. ISIS is a Godless Islamic Terrorist heathen organization that is a haven for Atheism. Atheists do not have a moral compass to know wrong from right, which is very evident in the fact that they do not have a book that highlights their ethical tenets. Prominent Atheists like Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and Mahatma Gandhi helped kick-start ISIS in the 1970’s, which is around the time the War on Christmas spearheaded as a Democratic Party collaborative effort to garner more voters. With no regard for a code of morality or standards of ethics, it’s easy to see why Atheists behave they way that they are.

Religious liberty is one of the many variants of liberty, but it is among one of the most important. Believe me. Religious liberty allows persecuted Christians to preach and speak freely without having to die for their beliefs. The same can be said for other religions like Catholicism or Judaism. Atheism is not a religion and does not share the same problems Christianity has. Atheism is a decision, which still is fair under the First Amendment, but like choosing to murder someone, it doesn’t mean that it’s right. The United States of America even gives religious liberty to the Jews as a measure of how non-Christian religious organizations can not worry about dying in the name of some other, foreign God. After all, the United States of America was a country that originated from the tolerance of puritans.

The United States is a country rich with a diversity of faith, but that comes with a set of dangers as well. Dangerous and destructive ideologies like Agnosticism and Atheism let their people live without order and authority, lacking central beliefs with such an Anarchist worldview. This new wave of pernicious rhetoric is becoming more increasingly common with the youth hip rock groups these days like “The Millennials”. These “The Millennials” are also more likely to believe in Satanism and that its tenets are valid. While this could be perceived as a bigger threat than Atheism, the Church of Satan does have a book they base their flawed and fictitious ideology around. It is very telling that Satanists somehow have higher ethical standards and a stronger moral code than what Atheists lack.

Be careful young BullShiteers out there on the college campuses, and watch out for “The Millennials” if they are performing nearby at your local music venue. There could also be Agnostic ISIS Satanist vegans lurking at your nearby workplace employment recreational area, on your lunch break. Or worse, as a neighbor. But remember, if anyone attempts to violate your religious liberties, you can always strike back on Sundays. The Lord awaits.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Agnostics, excluding the Jews. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Point/Counterpoint: Christianity (Or “Islam”?)

~ DonKaftan ~ 2 Comments

Written by Sgt. Louis Gates II and Pastor John Mathewson

In another installment of our hit series, Point/Counterpoint,  Sgt. Louis Gates the Second and Pastor John Mathewson debate about which of the two religions in the world, Christianity and Islam are the best, and which one engages with Sharia Law and desires rampant terrorism all across the world. Should people be following Islam or Christianity?

 

Sgt. Louie Gates II: Point: Islam has only existed for so long because of their fearsome leadership. Islam’s leaders included histories most barbaric, Godless, and terrorist acts of horror from Ghanghis Khan to Hitler. Their leaders in the post-Mohammed era have only reinforced their brutal methods of torture to survive.

Pastor John Mathewson: Counterpoint: Christianity has existed even longer than Islam from purely pacificist actions. Christianity has survived over countless millennia despite rampant persecution against them. You can have a religion and not be violent about it or prissy like Judaism.

SLG2: Point: Islam’s culture revolves around oppressing women, which is 100% unAmerican. The Middle Eastern countries don’t let women vote or treat their babies-in-making.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christian culture focuses on the purity of women and their use in procreation. Did Islam ever have a queen to lead them? I thought so.

SLG2: Point: Islam’s set of laws and codes, Sharia, is what unifies all Islamists in the Middle East to consistently create terrorist NGOs whose sole purpose in existence is the destruction of the American world. Take the United Nations or ISIS for example. Islam cannot rest until there are “shawarma trucks” on every street corner in America.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity is guided by the greatest man who ever lived, Jesus Christ. A man so pure that Mohammed is the exact opposite, the Anti-Christ. Christianity has won many crusades and has survived adversity for giving people a life of liberty and freedom, concepts that are never brought up or endorsed in Sharia Law.

SLG2: Point: Islam retains order through murder and other violent acts of crime. It is permitted to behead a woman if she misses her daily communal bus ride just once under Sharia. If a woman does not bear a child by age 12, she is stoned to death on the streets. In Saudi Arabia, it is successful Pay-Per-View television. This would be impossible under Christianity.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity has always preached non-violence and uses order without force to achieve peace and military victories. Christians are only violent in self-defense, against those Godless Islamic Heathens and Jews that dared to challenge their beliefs through the ages.

SLG2: Point: Islam believes the world is older than 6,000 years, following the “Global Warming/Al Gore” theory.

PJM: Counterpoint: The Bible tells us stories of yore. It is not only a moral compass but a historic document from the early human era. WE DON’T COME FROM MONKEYS MISS NANCY PELOSI!!!

SLG2: Point: Islamic culture supports the Democratic Party and allows abortions to be done for free. Also, their culture permeates communism. Almost like the USSR but if they believed in God.

PJM: Counterpoint: A good God-fearing Christian is a natural Republican Party supporter. And more than likely an NRA supporter as well.

SLG2: Point: Islam supports multiculturalism and political correctness as alternatives to tolerance. They use their words as weapons.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity has always been a peaceful religion so long as you pray to the Lord and do not question it. Respect and passionate kindness always prevails violent, threatening rhetoric.

SLG2: Point: Islam does not center around a God or any deity, instead the Islam adherents observe their set of the Bill of Rights or Ten Commandments, Sharia Law. Sharia Law allows those of the Islamic tradition to get away with anything without regard to morality, including the use of chemical weapons.

PJM: Counterpoint: Christianity allows you to apologize without having to invent nuclear weapons.

SLG2: Point: Islam began the drug wars by creating opioids like marijuana and cocaine in order to drug their followers into believing their Quran.

PJM: Counterpoint: A proper Christian who wishes to meet Christ up in heaven will have never taken an illegal drug that would incriminate their rapture status. Christians do not use illicit means to conduct proselytization.

SLG2: Point: Mohammed will send you to Islam hell for drawing or photographing him.

PJM: Counterpoint: Jesus Christ is waiting for you in Heaven to autograph whatever you want.

As the planet soon approaches 8 billion people, it’s important to understand that we will have differences with each other. This is why religion, politics, and economics exist, to sort things out for the better human. The country with the best and strongest tools by the time of the rapture (varies per religion) will be the ones sent to Heaven and avoid endless torment on Earth until life is no more. Until then, liberals will continue to invent fake conflicts and miscellaneous problems to distract us from the real problems that happen right now on Earth.

Sgt. Louie Gates II is Bullshit News’ correspondent on national security and military issues. He owns five Rottweilers and is a huge Boston Red Sox fan. He is faithful to his wife LaShawnda Gates and has two daughters. He served in the military many times and received a purple heart for his valiant efforts to protect our country.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor and Religion Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Methodists, excluding Greek Orthodox. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

Captain Crunch Cultivates Controversy For Creating Positive Christian Message

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written by Mortimer E. Wallacaster

Captain Crunch, a remarkable American icon from the good creators of PepsiCo and Quaker Oats, has generated a lot of liberal outrage over a supposed changing in slogans from the old clichéd, “Crunch-a-tize me, Captain!” to a modern and positive phrase, “Proselytize me, captain!”. Liberals, outraged and blinded by the very existence of living in a Christian country, have filed in their FCC complaints and believe the positive uplifting message of Captain Crunch’s gospel should not be spread to our downbeat defenseless children.

PepsiCo has denounced claims that their message was intended to spread awareness of our Good Lord, Jesus Christ. Pepsi merely claims that “proselytize” is an active ingredient to replace high-fructose corn syrup, a controversial thing to liberals because they’re worried about their kids adding an extra five pounds to the camera for their so-called “headshots” (not to be confused with the American past time of ending a terrorist’s life). Liberals think that “proselytize” is a word that means actively trying to convert someone to the plaintiff’s religion. This is demonstrably false. “Proselytize” is a laboratory-invented chemical compound that God-fearing Scientists believe can solve the obesity epidemic. And above all else, why would one of the leading cereal brands on planet earth want to convert millions of people to Christianity? They would be doing that anyway. Why would a cereal company deliberately change their popular slogan into something potentially divisive? If you said that Captain Crunch has GMO’s (and probably does anyways but who cares), that would really be the spicy hot sauce that makes the lactose intolerant lefties go crazy.

Perhaps we should discuss what this new chemical compound, “proselytize” is all about. The rational scientists behind this discovery have said that “proselytize” breaks down fat cells and lipids better than regular old sugar can do. But because “proselytize” is a new recent invention from the minds of the most esteemed scientists employed by Pepsi, liberals are also worried that monkeys, rats, or some kind of possum ilk were tested in labs to prove the scientist’s hypothesis that the “proselytize” chemical really works. And it did. But dumb-o-crats are still outraged because their politics revolves around begging people to do things rather than actually putting in any effort or work to what they desire to achieve. Rather than care for the ultimate goal at the end: eliminating obesity, they would rather bicker and stall progress in our society. And they wonder why things don’t get done at Capitol Hill.

Democrats don’t like Jesus, and that’s not news to anyone. They are worried about nothing while making America succumb to the pussification complex that troubles our nation’s young men. We should all applaud PepsiCo and Quaker Oats for working together to tackle obesity by the jugular rather than condemn their potentially questionable methods of doing so. The only way Americans will have fewer health problems is if they consume cereals or other foods with the new “proselytize” ingredient stored in its crunchy goodness.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters and is the resident in-house centenarian. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer still drives his Ford Model-T from his boyhood years.