President Trump Considers Selling Alaska Back To Russia

~ DonKaftan ~ 5 Comments

Written by Pavel Shostakovich

Citing a large national debt problem and insufficient need for a state that cannot be accessed by a highway, President Trump has considered removing Alaska from the Union. This would be highly beneficial to the Union of the States United, as Alaska is a liberal state surrounded by Canada: a land of ice and French hippies. Selling Alaska back to Russia would give America a very high return of investment, and we know how much Donald Trump loves ending deficits in the State of America!

Alaska is a liberal state that is closer to Russia and the Russians than a common American Apple Pie and Empire State Building. They vote at end of election, not beginning, meaning they are a waste of voters and space for natural minerals, unmined from the Carter Administration. Imagine all the oil America could use instead of sucking it up from a straw in the Middle East. “Now that is a spicy meat-a-ball!”

It is no secret that the previous string of presidents up to Ronald Reagan was involved in giving America a giant debt with a spending deficit in order to create political problems when they otherwise had none in the 18th-19th and most of the 20th century. The territory of Alaska was manufactured in 1867 when Russia was in a similar situation like America today, in debt and need of profit. Alaska “officially” entered statehood in  It is tables have turned time. It is not like Alaska is going for good use, it’s no Hawaii or Arizona.

Besides, Alaska is always cold. It is useless for tourism and other business ventures. People have Seaworlds all over America, what could make Alaska SeaWorld more special? Glaciers? A “Meet the Titanic”? Please. Alaska is backward like The Ukraine. Canada did not bother to even invade the territory, hence its existence. America can expand its borders in more financially relevant areas, like Syria. Alaska makes no sense and the USSR is no longer in operation to worry about any longer. America’s debt is huge, and big sacrifices need to be made for the glorious benefit of continual existence of the United States of America. It is through this country that I achieved the American Dream and do not have to hear my door every night to make sure KGB doesn’t hear. In America, you only worry about paying landlord on time, and taxes. It is more peaceful, although taxes are just as unpleasant.

At the time of this article, the United States debt stands at $21,222,747,669,999. There might be interest rates as well, adding on to that number I cannot pronounce. Selling off Alaska, which gives America only a mere $49,120,000,000 in GDP, can be sold for much more than that amount of billions. While selling Alaska will not completely erase America’s debt, it sure does a much better job than the Obama Administration’s failed efforts to conquer the problem. America will always find a 50th state somewhere in the world in order to save money on not ordering new American flags for everyone. The Dakotas could merge, Guam can enter statehood, or Mexico can concede more land. Regardless, alleviating the national debt is better than not doing so.

Russia has strong interest in re-acquiring Alaska, and they look to be big spenders. President Trump has always made it his dream since he was a little lad to end America’s deficit problems and Russia can help make Donald Trump have a superstar-like legacy as president if he cures America’s biggest problem. President Trump knows what the right thing to do, and perhaps it is better to start selling off some assets to solve a seemingly improbable situation rather than initiate a trade war with some inferior and weaker country like Albania or whatever.

Pavel Shostakovich is Bullshit News’ newest correspondent reporting on Russian and European Affairs. He is a naturalized American citizen whose parents escaped Communist tyranny in Russia, AND NOT BELARUS. Pavel studied political science at the University of Pennslyvania and is a member of the Federalist Society. 

We Desperately Need To Give More Money To The Military

~ DonKaftan ~ 11 Comments

Written by Sgt. Louie Gates II

Democrats often talk about the desire to cut our military/defense budget to “curb government excess”, but what they really mean is that they want America’s borders to implode. They complain and cry about the so-called “military-industrial complex”, but that’s a secret message being sent to our enemies, desperately calling for 9/11 to happen again. Liberals want to give them a free parking spot. The only people that can stop those crazy liberals is our military.

America is under constant threat not just from the USSR, but from liberal terrorists that lurk on social media threatening to end America and something about a fictional federal agency called ICE. Their opinions are as harmless as their wallets, which is a problem for our Air Force to develop new fighter jets to kill enemies quicker. The military needs every dollar it can get, and desperate times call for desperate measures. I have an unnamed source high-up in the Marines that they might have to host a telethon on Fox News within the next 16-24 months because the military isn’t quite getting the amount of money they need to operate 100%.

This isn’t a time for libraries people, it’s time for our nation’s borders to be stronger than Afghanistan! France might have “won” a world cup, but have they won a real war? Has France proven to the world that people should fear their democracy and their right? France has not been a good ally to us for over two hundred years. How can we trust our so-called allies to help us in time of need? And never forget the threat that is North Korea and their evil nuclear intentions. Any cut to our military budget will only benefit Kim Jong-Un and Iran in their plot to destroy America and raze your hometown.

There are other ways for the military to raise money without the assistance of public broadcasting from viewers like you. We can invade a country that no other country in the world would sanction us over, like Albania. Albania is a small country located in the Adriatic Sea that could be outgunned by just our Navy and Marines. We wouldn’t even need feet on the ground for this small operation, unlike Vietnam. Albania would be our Puerto Rico for Europe. But since Europe is an unstable continent, we’re probably better off giving that territory to Russia instead.

Sadly wars are too controversial to be promoted in Congress. To do so would require, you guessed it, more budget for our military. Liberals smear this psychological thought-process as “propaganda”, but that’s what the Russians do. And we’re not the Russians you ne’er-do-weel liberal, we are the United States of America. We will match our words with our weapons, and with the golden mouth of President Donald Trump, we can show the world our true potential that we have been building up. But we’re not done building our military just yet, because we need more money.

Do what you can to the United States Army, run a bake sale in your local community, start up a lemonade stand by the gun range, or even invent a start-up and move to San Francisco and invade the liberals from where they breed. Switch the budget for “music education” for a new aircraft carrier. You can never feel too safe in this dark and scary world.

Did you know the American army has a branch called the “Coast Guard”? They defend our coasts so that the Navy can focus on making pinging noises in their submarines. They are the second smallest branch after America’s newest military branch, the Space Force. The Space Force will defend America from the third dimension: Space. The Air Force can only defend the skies to such a limited degree so the Space Force can defend America’s borders from the top down. It’s just simple Reaganomics.

Don’t worry kids, the military is there to make sure you sleep peacefully, and proudly, at night. You don’t need music education, you need protection. Donald Trump, hear my plea: fund the military, or we will bleed.

Sgt. Louie Gates II is Bullshit News’ correspondent on national security and military issues. He owns five Rottweilers and is a huge Boston Red Sox fan. He is faithful to his wife LaShawnda Gates and has two daughters. He served in the military many times on multiple tours and received a purple heart for his valiant efforts to protect our country.

Condoms In Class: Why Democrats Want Children To Start Breeding In Elementary School

~ DonKaftan ~ 9 Comments

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

I remember when I first fornicated with my soon-to-be first wife at the proper age of “16”. Back then, in 1929, you had to earn your wife the hard way: through depression and hard labor. Not much has changed since, although I’ve moved on to four other wives from there. The Barack Obama Administration was responsible for dispensing condoms to kindergarteners in an effort to promote “safe sex”. Liberals love “safe sex”, a buzzword for allowing the queers to engage in the intercourse “with protection”. But it is a total sham! The only safe sex is in a marriage curated by God or Jesus of Nazareth himself with a MAN and a WOMAN.

But this article is not about marriage and its commonly-shared traditional definition. Ever since the Obama Administration gave away condoms to every kindergarten and grade school across our 47 states, the young children began to engage in having sexual intercourse more frequently than ever, and it’s all a Democratic Party plot to garner more voters. But Democrats always live in an alternate reality where they think the rules of law and history don’t apply to their wacky beliefs. Sure, the amount of children will rise in 20ish years when they are able to vote, but can they live that long? Will they know how to vote? Can they even be successful in American society? And more importantly, are they legal American citizens? We know that there are billions of illegal immigrants all across this beautiful country, and the Obama regime is there to blame. That is why the children are breeding in schools, especially with their mothers being able to hold more than one child per year.

We are witnessing a moral degradation in our society when the children are having children. The liberals want their Woodstock to never end with their “free love” and “safe sex” devilish Jazz music. It used to be easier in life when abortion was outlawed and everybody didn’t have to invent anxiety as an excuse for not getting any. Men were men, and women were classy and didn’t reveal their knees in public so often! Now children will get their super handheld computer-phone as soon as they become a parent by the time they graduate elementary school. Only liberals would permit this, and thankfully the Donald Trump administration will bring back decency to our public schools that urgently need it.

The only way you can have “safe sex” is when you want to have children. Venereal diseases are designated for non-normative sexual couples and for anyone who puts “IT” up the bum. Poop will give you any disease when you come into contact with it, and the people who engage in this (should go without saying they are Democratic Party members) are sick and depraved. These people don’t enjoy life, they’re doing the drugs and otherwise not behaving to social order! These same people want to bring an end to the United States of America and bring in socialism and USSR-like fantasies into life!

Condoms in the classroom are merely just the beginning for the Democratic Party’s feeble-minded effort to garner more voters and attempt to overthrow President Trump’s administration. The liberals are so sick and depraved to waste what could be millions of billions of childhoods and double or quintuple the poverty rate just to get more rapport from their dormant and neglected base. The illegal immigrants, condoms, national debt, and foreign policy neglect that the Barack Obama regime has left Donald Trump with a lot of work to do. Thankfully conservatives have hired the best man for the presidency that is renowned for his decency standards for all children.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

Bringing Back Law To The Land: President Trump Nominates “Righteous” Brett Kavanaugh For Supreme Court Justice

~ DonKaftan ~ 2 Comments

Written By Sarah Napoli

With the recent departure of the liberally-biased Supreme Court Justice, Anthony Kennedy: the sole Kennedy that lived, away from the Supreme Court, we have reached another great triumph in American conservative history. We have reached the pivotal point where the Supreme Court can finally be properly conservative, without evil liberal judicial activism causing all the women to enjoy abortions and birth control mechanisms that Jesus Christ condemns. Anthony Kennedy decided to retire once he wanted to get on with his life and invest in insurance companies and/or the Revolving Door Enterprises. To replace his repulsive liberal beliefs, President Trump has tapped Brett “Among The Righteous” Kavanaugh, a Circuit Judge from the Court of Appeals in Living Liberal Hellhole that is Washington DC. Kavanaugh is a strong tough-minded conservative that will turn the Supreme Court’s judicial activism back to normal law and order conservatism.

Liberals, as usual, are outraged by the fact a Supreme Court justice can retire, especially from one of their own. They will do everything they can to filibuster this process, as they did with the Merrick Garland case. Liberals have a real fear of the law and how it works, which is normally why conservatives are the ones who are lawyers and deal with the legal process. The legal process requires a sophisticated understanding of the English language and logic, both requirements that liberals are phasing out in a dumbfounded effort to earn more voters. But if you don’t know how the law works (like our billions of illegal immigrants jumping through the border), you will lose to the courts every time.

Brett Kavanaugh’s eventual confirmation will be one of the biggest wins by Donald Trump’s new and greated-again America. The courts will never be hounded by said judicial activism, or how Supreme Court nominees that aren’t conservative don’t hide their liberal (that Catholic woman), socialist (Elena Kagan) and closet communists (Ruth Bader Ginsburg) biases of the law. The law has one focus: conservatism, and to deny that is to say that the law is not fair. The law is fair, that’s why it slants conservatism, but when the Marxists gain control of the court system, they’ll try to destroy everything else in the way of law and order, which leads to blood and soil.

Law is slowly being restored to our formerly glorious and currently glorious country. America is becoming greater again, and we can thank the old liberal gadfly Anthony Kennedy for deciding to quit now, rather than over twenty-five years ago. Kavanaugh is a righteous man with a pocket-sized bible on one hand and the entire US Code in the other. His extremely in-depth knowledge about how the law works and stuff will be vital for the Supreme Court to be updated for well into the 21st century. A young noble conservative is exactly what an old and senile court, in charge of the most important decisions not to be given to politicians or energy executives, needs.

Brett Kavanaugh will never be an Antonin Scalia, but he can be our next conservative Godfather to restore rationality to its home.

Sarah Napoli is the Women’s Issues (or lack thereof) Correspondent of Bullshit News. Sarah is outside of normal sexual orientation and enjoys young adult fiction novels. Sarah does not want children but considers herself a “dog mom”, taking care of a young poodle (which is really a Schnauzer but don’t tell her that) she named “Eddie”. Sarah does not like coffee or tea, which are foreign inventions created to poison the bright minds of Americans.

Happy American Freedom Day!

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-in-Chief

Happy 4th of July to all those dutiful American heroes that have sacrificed their great lives to fight off the liberal oppression that harms us all. The 4th of July is a day to celebrate America’s wonderful presence all across the Christian globe. 242 years ago, the English conquered most of planet Earth and were ready to make everyone enjoy Tea or Monarchy: both highly un-American activities. When our founding fathers decided that they could not bear the King of England after he wanted to give them income taxes, they fought for our lives to be in this righteous country today. Unfortunately, our founding fathers could not invent barbecue or fireworks to indulge in celebratory festivities that we take for granted today.

While the Democrats are trying as hard as they can to destroy our beloved country, never forget that the people who truly love this country care about our President and his agenda to make America re-dominate the world again. Replacing all the monarchies and Islam governments with healthy capitalist Democracies with free elections that make everyone around the world more powerful and freer as individuals. That is what the American Dream is all about, and today is the celebration of our footprint we left on the world. I will enjoy some of the finest barbecued steaks on Earth, crafted by American hands in Kansas City, and not outsourced by some Chinese meat-packaging company. That would be too un-American for today.

 Don Kaftan is the founder of Bullshitnews.org.  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. Don Kaftan was mentioned on William F. Buckley’s deathbed as future conservatives that speak the most truth to power. Don considers this to be the highest honor in the world after being married to his wife and being born into this world by the grace of God. He is as much of a patriot for America as liberals consistently whine about it.

STUDY: There Are Over ONE BILLION ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS In America

~ DonKaftan ~ 3 Comments

Written by Carlos Gutierrez

It’s a large open secret now that liberal media have been circulating a myth about a fictional federal agency called “ICE” that is rounding up and separating quasi-illegal children from their illegal parents that cannot afford to come into this country. Well, now there might be a reason to believe that an “ICE” agency should exist to protect our border from the illegals. A new Harvard study has been published after twenty-five years of research has horrifically concluded with a shocking realization: The United States of America harbors over one billion illegal immigrants.

The illegal immigrants are possibly everywhere, one billion is a rather large number. A number that can certainly be useful if a rich media conglomerate would ask to purchase and remove us from the Internet airwaves if they so desired. These illegal, too-lazy-to-file-paperwork immigrants are stockbrokers in Idaho, cow wranglers in Vermont and doctors in Arizona (where illegal immigration is twice as illegal than it is in any other state). The illegals are hellbent on not paying taxes, not properly learning how to speak English and taking the valuable jobs from legal Americans that did their patriotic duty to file paperwork on-time and correctly.

Why does America harbor so many illegal human beings? There are multiple factors, remember the people from Harvard are smart and know what due diligence means. For one, the illegals are capable of reproducing five babies a year. FIVE!!! There are unconfirmed reports that there are women that have up to eight babies a year, coming from an “Octomom”. These quasi-illegal children are known as the “Anchor Babies”, children that become American citizens for being born on our soil.

For purposes of the Harvard study, the Anchor Babies were tallied as illegals (as their parents rightfully are), and whether or not the Anchor Babies came with their parents or suitable Border Patrol guardian. Despite legal bodies, they have illegal, and possibly malicious tendencies to wreak havoc upon American society. With billions coming into the country, the more likely it is that these “illegals” will harbor communist ideology and threaten to destroy the United States of America. This is unacceptable.

The Anchor Babies, descending from their mothers with multiple wombs, have the ease of not being a lifetime burden. But these billions of illegals need to contribute to the economy or suffer the consequences. There are billions of these illegals and anchor babies that walk among us. They threaten our countries future in not having jobs and taking the jobs that legal Americans earned. If even one-fourth of these Anchor Babies have socialist sympathies, that can be a lost generation in due time.

One of the major factors brought up in the Harvard study was that of evil Big Government’s incompetence. Big Government has always been one of the few but biggest problems in American History, right after Taxes and the unfortunate War of Northern Aggression. The big Federal Government, until President Trump, has been enormous and an incredible burden on tax-paying legal Americans. The government takes and wastes tax dollars and leaves America with far too many problems than what they solve.

Big Government could not possibly be bothered to deal with illegal immigration, with credit to the Obama regime’s laissez-faire approach to citizenship. They are far too incompetent to think of an execute an idea like “ICE”, you can never trust the government to be perfect. If “ICE” were to exist, then how come America has over a billion illegal immigrants?

Harvard University also says that Big Government’s ordinary bureaucracy and incompetence goes top to bottom and that legal immigration paperwork is akin to taxes, being too difficult to comprehend to these wannabee American. Being the most successful country on planet Earth is something that desires these billions of illegal people to accomplish the American Dream. But one thing they must learn about America is the bureaucracy of filing paperwork. If they can’t write paperwork and turn it in on time, why should they become American citizens? It displays a lack of commitment, as bureaucratic as the government is, becoming a legal American citizen is not difficult. But they stay in America, waiting for the green light to become legal, but the truth is that it’s not that easy. No one in America gets a free pass, your Bernie Sanders bus crashed in 2016, you evil socialists!

There are other factors brought up in the Harvard study, and many of them involve advanced statistics that would make a liberal’s head explode. The illegal immigration epidemic is no longer an open secret, and President Trump must act now to solve this problem. Perhaps “Immigration Customs Enforcement” would be a great idea to round-up these illegal immigrants, but how can you ever trust the government to do their job?  Harvard University doesn’t even believe in them. Something must be done.

Carlos Gutierrez is the Bullshit News correspondent on Criminal Justice Issues and Immigration. He was born in Corpus Christi, Texas and is as American as you or anyone else that isn’t Muslim or Jewish. Devoted to his local Catholic Church, Carlos is an active member of his community and goes to church every Sunday, before the Cowboys game. Carlos worked on the 2016 Ted Cruz presidential campaign before coming to Bullshit News.

The United Nations: A Communist Child- Murdering Elitest Hellhole

~ DonKaftan ~ 4 Comments

Written by Sarah Napoli 

For far too long, the United States has been apart of the United Nations, an organization dedicated to giving America’s money and liberty away for “reparations redistributions”, legal mumbo-jumbo for American money and American liberty being sucked away for an inherently Marxist reason: redistributing the wealth. But what does the United Nations do with our American tax-dollars? Absolutely nothing, much like the tenets of communism. Recently, America was wasting its hard-earned freedom bucks on a so-called “Human Rights Council”, a money laundering front for terrorist countries. America withdrawing from a council of lesser civilized countries is a hard-earned victory to a real human rights-endorsed country that doesn’t murder children.

The United Nations is run by international globalists that despise America and want to see our children dead. They do not care for people like you or me, they want the world to be run by authoritarians that wear trench coats with cargo shorts, people who have no real grasp on humanity. They are the elites that want to police us and tell us what to do and how to think and feel. The elites want to usher in a 1984 world where I can’t put my kids in a charter school and give them tools to succeed. The United Nations wants to kill our children before they can learn the values of self-defense. If the UN can’t prioritize American interests above Europe or some other barely developed country, what good is it for?

The UN claims to want peace in our time, but have never made any moves showing that intention. The UN smuggles children from all across the globe and forces them to learn other languages and cultures that despise America. The values of multiculturalism are a commonly debunked myth, with only having the fringe benefits of providing “good food”. Listen, if your dinner doesn’t have meat slapped between bread and cheese with French American fries as a side-dish, it’s not real food. Ask any Italian and they will tell you. The UN, which values the corrupted liberal tenet of pacifism, does not benefit the United States from patrolling the world as God intended to. They are a farce.

Many terrorist countries occupy the United Nations, most of them with the intent to run on the “Human Rights Council”, which is anything but what it says. Many of those evil heartless and Muslim countries have been profiled, Syria, Iran, North Korea, and many of those other “Lebanon” countries. The United States had to have a role in order to keep these freedom-hating unGodly countries from inflicting their evil deeds on the world and poor old Israel. Most of the Human Rights Council’s work has been focusing on the destruction of Israel, the America Jr of the world. Never once did these countries that participate in this human rights scam council ever thank America for protecting them from becoming pure evil, Nazi-like and corrupt rather than the rudimentary sinister countries that bark up nuclear war every couple of months or so.

Most of the time spent on the “Human Rights Council” has been dedicated to the destruction of Israel and all that America stands for in that precious Middle East region. Many of Israel’s neighbors are terrorist countries that harbor Sharia law and missiles, but no nuclear weapons (yet). These countries don’t want a hot dog, they want your children to die for their prophet’s profit. The evil scourge of Godless Islamic Atheism is the ultimate threat to peace in our time. Israel does not conform to their heinous ideology purely on the basis that Israel is a country filled with Jews. Jews are, of course, not Godless (but should be), nor Islamic, and a majority are questionably Atheists and/or Satanists that want to defile America for a quick buck. Which makes the Jews either very American or very anti-American, the jury is still out.

Regardless of morality, the United States pulling out of the UN’s so-called “Human Rights Council” is a hallmark moment of our lifetime. The United States can now use proper force to truly police these unruly “Human Rights supporting countries” rather than doing the boring paperwork of slapping sanctions on a country that will never get the point, like Iran or Mozambique. We can focus on our own interests abroad and not worry about the needs of those that refuse democracy to be enabled in their country or the rule of law. Finally, America can move on in the world and focus our own dirty work, by demolishing these anti-American, communist and anti-God countries.

Sarah Napoli is the Women’s Issues (or lack thereof) Correspondent of Bullshit News. Sarah is outside of normal sexual orientation and enjoys young adult fiction novels. Sarah does not want children but considers herself a “dog mom”, taking care of a young poodle (which is really a Schnauzer but don’t tell her that) she named “Eddie”. Sarah does not like coffee or tea, which are foreign inventions created to poison the bright minds of Americans.