Audacious Liberals Have Launched A Movement To Ban Ice Cubes

~ DonKaftan ~ 5 Comments

Written by Gilbert Miser

In what might be the most non-sequitur political argument ever crafted, the Democrat party has decided to launch a movement titled, “Abolish ICE” or in millennial speak, #AbolishICE. Liberals are desperate for any kind of political victory ever since their party collapsed in 2016 and lost the presidency. Why do Democrats want to abolish ice cubes? Well, it’s a pretty complicated reason that brings up every political cliché you can think of.

The Democratic Party follow many kinds of conspiracy theories, from the Global Warming/Al Gore hoax to the myth that guns kill people. Liberals care about the environment and keeping it precious and soft, while the land that God created was meant to have its mineral rights used by Americans to dominate the world, by Republican hands. The Ice Cube ban is a multi-pronged agenda that involves global warming, a common food product located in every freezer in America, and lies. Democrats believe that ice cubes can cure the global warming, and desire to privatize ice cubes so that they can “save the planet” and send the ice cubes up to the sun. I’m not here to talk more about Al Gore’s desire to destroy America with Powerpoint slides, as Bullshit News has already covered that (thank you to our in-house scientist, Dr. Steven Clements). The anti-free market liberals know that global warming isn’t real, so they decided to stretch their nonsense even more ridiculously.

Their latest trick is about a fictional federal agency called “ICE”, which stands for “Immigration Customs Enforcement”, three concepts about the government that obviously don’t exist. They believe that ICE is separating women from their children and that immigrants are not sub-human Godless Islamic heathens with deadly societal intentions that need to be questioned intensely. “ICE” allegedly deports illegal immigrants, people in mental asylums, and Canadians, but that all sounds impossible. These people come into our country without any sort of documentation or job skills can benefit our blue-collar American lives. They have no worth in American society, they are like the Irish of 100 years ago, THEY NEED NOT APPLY.

There is no such thing as “ICE”, the federal government may be big and formerly incompetent under the Obama regime, but the government doesn’t need some sort of police specifically for immigrants or refugees. Border Patrol does all of that work already, having this “ICE” would be a waste of taxpayer dollars. President Trump and any other like-minded Republican understand that wasting taxpayer dollars is a cardinal sin in politics.

The most reasonable solution for any immigrant/refugee or otherwise non-American mental asylum patient is to be given further scrutiny over Border Patrol agents and, if possible, continue to separate anchor baby children from their illegal parents. Both of my parents died when I was two, and I still turned out to be a highly successful broker turned venture capitalist and a multibillionaire. We have the American Dream, anyone can work hard and get to where I am today. The American Dream is what separates us from those evil sinister European countries and trade groups like NATO and the European Union that want to crush the almighty American dollar. We want these new(ish) quasi-illegal Americans to come into this country to be tough and strong like real Americans, and this separation must continue in order for this to happen.

I understand this new wacko-liberal conspiracy theory is tough to follow, so let me simplify things:

1. Liberals refuse to end their global warming/Al Gore myth. Continuing this myth makes it easier for them to fight a fake agenda because they cannot comprehend what politics is actually about.

2. Liberals believe in some police-state form arm of the government called “ICE” that detains and brutalize up and coming Americans that came here illegally and are held under their will because of possible communist/Islam intentions.

3. Liberals want to privatize or ban ice cubes as a way to “end global warming” by sending the ice cubes up into the sun to make it less hot.

4. Liberals believe that “ICE” would use ice cubes to waterboard otherwise illegal human beings within America. Oh, and they separate parents from their kids or something like that.

So the next time a bunch of teenaged liberals talks about “#abolishICE”, you can safely ignore their psycho pleas and desire to destroy the Trump Administration from the inside out. Just laugh at them and call them out on how ridiculous they sound. And besides, if the American government separates women from their children, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But liberals enjoy jumping to conclusions without using their small brains to think deeply about a situation for longer than a minute.

I never normally used ice cubes, but now I’m going to use them for all of my drinks. I encourage you all to do the same. The government should not take away our ice cubes and liberals can take my ice away just as soon as they try to pry my gun away with my bare hands.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner”.

STUDY: Incidences Of Irregular School Activity Involving Firearms DROPS In The Summer And Liberals Don’t Know Why!

~ DonKaftan ~ Leave a comment

Written by Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esquire

Liberals are often outraged by a handful of moments over the past couple of years when unlawful perpetrators trespassed school property with a handgun while school was in session without a permit. These sorts of events are nothing new in America and liberals love to create media panics in order to control a narrative, especially when its an election year. But the professors at Stanford University recently concluded a study of these heartbreaking incidents and found out that during the summer, no so-called “school shootings” happen! That’s not an abnormally low percent, it’s 0%, nada.

Stanford sociologist professors George Rodriguez and John Waters were dumbfounded by the results. The initial hypothesis of their study looked for the frequency of “school shootings” and their causation with how often the Gunsmoke episode “Harriet” played on television, regardless of the hour. Now you might ask how a television series that has been canceled for over forty years may be relevant to children unable to defend themselves properly in schools, but these are professors from Stanford! They know what they’re doing, believe me, I’m a doctor. They look through any and every correlation they can find over national tragedies and pop culture. In their study, the drop begins precisely on June 17th or 18th depending on the year and ZERO incidences of a firearm discharge happen until August. There is a lot of details to unpack here for the future so liberals can stop crying that they lost a child or whatever.

The mainstream media and its liberal pawns will try to tell you that our second amendment rights are worth taking and justify those lies with the idea that guns cause these “school shootings”, but what about the parents? These children can’t buy guns, unfortunately. So the children have to learn by themselves rather than a proper lesson from mom and dad. Children are curious beings that want to learn more about the world, the cruel and cold world. It’s human instinct to be properly defended and know how to protect themselves, and the failure to properly teach children to defend themselves is a weakness in our country.

Liberals and their pea-sized brains can’t understand this study, but since it’s from Stanford they know it is the truth. Children don’t die every month in school from accidental discharge upon other children, and therefore there is no causation between guns and “school shootings”. The mainstream media loves to conjure up this myth so it’s no secret that they don’t want to report his groundbreaking study. The media needs to keep earning its money be defiling President Trump at every possible moment in order to defraud his public perception. But never let the mainstream media fool you that children go to school just to die someday, the children are in school to learn, and they certainly don’t need liberals involved in their public education to act on their independent behalf.

If we can’t teach our children the dangers of this wicked world, and how to properly defend themselves from danger with a gun, then what is the purpose of education to begin with? A professor can bore you to death for an entire lecture, but if a student in the class can’t save his colleagues against a maniacal Godless Islamic Terrorist, then why bother teaching anyone anything at all? America is a county about defending our own rights, and liberals can’t defend. You don’t need the amount of schooling like I did to know that defense wins championships wars. If we have another liberal president, I will fear for this country. But for now, I know my children can be safe during summer school, with a firearm just in case the inevitable happens.
Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.

Coffee And Tea Are Not Good For You And Me

~ DonKaftan ~ 6 Comments

Written by Aaron Lau

The beverage industry is one of the most powerful forces in America, as well as the entire world. Sure, everyone “needs” water, but there exists alternative to water as well. But that doesn’t mean they’re good alternatives, there are mind-altering substances out there that rival America’s drinking industry. As everyone knows, the United States of America invented the soda and its two flavors: Coke and Pepsi. Other countries like Afghanistan and India, lack the great innovations America brings onto the world, and prefer their old forms of not-water beverages that are akin to drugs. The inventions, coffee, and tea, drug people to ideas that America is not a great country and delude these same people with liberal ideas and intentions.

Sadly in America, coffee and tea are all too ubiquitous in our civil society. That doesn’t mean they are bad, like cigarettes*. It means that too many Americans willingly indoctrinate themselves in liberal drug-beverages and thus susceptible to be part of the problem. The more Americans support the coffee or tea industry, the worse America suffers in our soda industry. There are alleged health benefits to coffee or tea, such as “mindfulness” or “spiritual reawakening” but these are just liberal buzzwords with no meaning and too much substance. They are rhetorical tools that cults use for people to keep funneling them money.  The coffee and tea industries seek to do just that, using their addictive beverage industries as a cult in order to make Americans challenge the status quo.

Of course, America has coffee and tea industries which are infamously liberal. Starbucks is a racist Jihadist coffee company that manages to innovate ways of offending everyone every year. Howard Schultz, the Islamic CEO of the Starbucks coffee brand, has decided to step down to form stage two of his plan to overthrow America: by running for president as a Democrat. If you’re a long time follower of Bullshit News, you have subscribed to the boycott of their Jihadist coffee framework and are aware of their opposition to Christmas as a holiday. And this same corrupt Democrat that drugs the majority of coffees in America that turns well-mannered Americans into radical democrats wants to lead our country in 2020.

Tea industries are rampant in America as well and do not have a strong single presence like Starbucks. But tea is just as awful and corruptible like coffee, just that it comes from Afghanistan and not India. They give different highs than coffee in a way that marijuana allegedly gives the user different highs. But all these “highs” lead the user into poor decision-making decisions, the tendency to vote Democrat, and holding the belief that America is not a strong, unified, and powerful country. Pass on tea, iced or otherwise, beer or soda is much more American and better for our big brains.

So my fellow Americans, abstain from coffee and tea, for they intend to poison your mind, question your surroundings, and vote Democrat. Howard Schultz will return in two years to give his “five-year plan” or whatever in his presidential campaign and us noble and good-hearted Americans cannot accept this man’s highly addictive liberal drugs. Aldous Huxley warned the world of dangerous men like Howard Schultz using drugs to tame the status quo for nefarious and illicit means in “Brave New World”. And to live in “Brave New World” is a vote for Howard Schultz, a Godless Islamic Democrat who wants to ruin America with his shitty mind-altering beverages.

Aaron Lau is the Bullshit News specialist in Social Media, Internet, and other On-Line media-culture related issues. He is married to his lovely wife, Cindy. He enjoys ultimate frisbee and certain technologies including video games but not the liberal propaganda-endorsed “fidget spinners” that are designed to spin Republicans to the left. He has an Associates’ in Information Systems from George Washington University and owns a Chow by the name of “Zappa”.

 

*Cigarettes can be good depending on how much money we will receive to change this sentence.

Bitcoin: The Currency Of Communism

~ DonKaftan ~ 6 Comments

Written by Gilbert Miser

The internet has been such an incredible new tool for the entire American planet over the last eight years or so. However with such great technology, there come nefarious uses to utilize the “internet” or a “computer”, such as the malicious use of going to liberal news sites like CNN or any other website that isn’t Bullshit News. Unfortunately, the communists have infiltrated the Internet attempting to overthrow the United States government and its people. The communists, ironically, decided to create their own currency to rival the absolute and powerful American Dollar with Bitcoin.

What is a Bitcoin? I can only tell you what it is not. Bitcoin is not a tangible physical object that tells you its worth on paper or a real coin. A bitcoin only exists online as a number, and nothing but. No one knows who invented the elusive bitcoin, but the communists, libertarians, and slowly the liberals are all on the bitcoin hype train, taking it as a serious currency to rival the almighty Dollar. What we’re seeing here boys and girls is how fascism tries to overthrow a state. They don’t start by trying to initiate and spreading false promises about how bad the government is, they silently attempt to overthrow America with subtle actions. It doesn’t matter how bitcoin works, it matters on how it’s trying to destroy or defame America.

Communists have always sought the destruction of America and the deaths of all the women too. It is a disease on the world that is set out to take away the hardest working members of society: the rich. Without the rich, where will the wondrous innovations of capitalism come from? It won’t happen in Silicon Valley anymore if you take away the American Dollar. Communism knows that it can’t function 100% from the writings of Karl Marx from far too long ago. Communism needs aspects of capitalism for it to function, such as the revolutionary idea known as currency. The mysterious communist inventors of the bitcoin knew they could not make money in America, and decided to invent a clever ponzi scheme they can program and scam millions of Americans while indoctrinating those scammed into a belief that a socialist society could work, and even be feasible.

Whenever a communist explains how bitcoin works, they will bring up the term “blockchain”. Then, they will do it again and again until they hit you in the head with a hammer and sickle and take your money. There is no blockchain, it is merely a buzzword used by bitcoin advocates to persuade you to the idea that bitcoin has a reason to work. It doesn’t. Bitcoin is not real, it is merely a bunch of numbers decided by a handful of communists that deem your worthiness in society. Now tell me, is that liberty? Is that true economic freedom? It is a substitute, a failure to model and rival the powerful American Dollar and by extension, challenging American sovereignty at home and across the globe. Bitcoin might be one of the greatest evils against the United States since the beginning of the War on Terror.

Despite all of this, the American Dollar is still as powerful as it always has. Bitcoin might be just dust blowing in the wind, but it can also try to cripple the Trump Administration. Any communist invention needs to be intensely scrutinized to make sure they don’t seriously challenge American Democracy. There is a strong reason why the creators of bitcoin don’t reveal themselves, they will all be sent straight to prison if their true identities were revealed. So Bullshit News is offering a service: give us the identities of the bitcoin manufacturers and we will do the most just thing and forward that information to the FBI CIA or NSA so that we can live in a truly free world without the threat of communism spreading ever again.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner”.

Who Are The Millennials That Will Inevitably Destroy America From The Inside Out?

~ DonKaftan ~ 8 Comments

Written by Mortimer E. Wallacaster

America has many epidemics: opioids, abortions, and horrific public education. But all of these atrocities dramatically affect America’s newest Baby Boomers, The Millennials. These millennials are destined to be the most entitled and obnoxious generation ever. Millenials are so lackluster as a generation that even the mainstream media always picks up on their shenanigans. If the lying liberal media even know that correctly (much like a broken clock working twice a day), they must be an epidemic amongst themselves, a great threat to our countries future.

These “millennials” will rule the country in a couple of decades. The America they will get will likely be far too bureaucratic and liberal to save. No laws will pass, the debt crushes them with more intensity than their college debt, and their social media will blind them all to the state of some kind of techno-fascism lead by algorithms and the Department of Defense all dedicated to coding. With too many people coding, no one will be in the military to defend our country and drop our freedom-loving bombs. The pussification complex of the millennials will be our countries undoing. But yes, keep on “snapchatting” millennials, you too will ruin this country much like your parents and their parent’s parents, but NOT their parents’ parents parents or their parents’ parents parents parents like myself. We built this country right: to prevent the communists or the Germans from invading ever again.

That is why President Trump is such a gift to our society, he’s a high energy businessman only 33 years my junior. He whips the youngins into shape, a man so filled with fertility that he can have multiple minds at once working in the White House. These millennials will never find the dedicated time to run the White House as effectively as President Trump has. Millennials are to busy on their phones prostituting themselves for fame and glory, things politics and the White House are not meant for. It is a serious institution that requires some of the brightest minds in our country, and liberals with sinister intentions in the Democrat Party. The threshold for an IQ to work in politics will dramatically drop once the millennials are of voting age, and will continue to plummet like Hillary Clinton when they are able to run for office. We are approaching a crisis by allowing the Instagrammers and programmers to run, and this will rip the fabric of our Democracy faster than the Obama regime.

These millennials invent fads and trends to distract themselves from their inevitable role to defend and protect our nation with responsibility. They do not want to focus and start a family, at least not seriously. They are a generation poorly adapt at properly defending themselves with firearms, and are physically weaker compared to other generations. Millennials cannot work in matters pertaining to special operations or counter-intelligence works, because they will share all of the confidential high-security clearance information on the social media, exposing valuable information that can endanger our nation’s security. There will simply be too many epidemics and wars that distracted millennials will never be fully prepared to tackle on each one. Millennials will initiate the apocalypse.

While the millennials worry about their problems that they believe can be solved by using Facebook instead of being a productive worker for the economy, our nation will not get any greater after Trump’s terms end. We can make America great again, but the millennials will tear down everything our beloved President stands for once they are in office. America may be doomed when I’m gone, but we can at least live the glory years today. Until the millennials have to deal with real powers and responsibility, America will be just fine.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

 

Ireland: A Wretched Cesspool That Endorses Abortions

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Written by Roger Goodmen

A long time ago, the Irish were mistreated in America for nonsensical reasons. Today, they deserve the scorn and contempt from the United States of America. Ireland recently voted to repeal their 8th Amendment, which also involves cruel and unusual punishment: a noble and righteous ban on abortion, or the intentional termination of a baby human. Bullshit News has previously discussed a neutral conversation regarding the practice of an “abortion”. And what Ireland has voted for will be a tragic shame for their generation to bear.

Ireland has long been America’s ally because of their role in the United Kingdom as the “black sheep” despite the population being 93% non-Hispanic white. The point being Ireland was peasant land and always desired the delicious taste of American liberty and freedom it could not have. Eventually, they became a democracy but were still owned by the English, which might not be the case anymore soon when Brexit occurs. But even with a Brexit outcome leading to Ireland’s alleged liberty, their permission of abortion being enabled upon the women is a threat to all of the potential children Ireland deserves. If Ireland allowed abortions by the time of their Great Famine (pick a famine any famine), their country would cease to exist. The 8th Amendment was one of the most important amendments Ireland ever had, it’s right in their Bill of Rights! Ireland’s liberty is under assault, from the hands of their own people that allowed atrocious legislation to pass.

Women deserve the freedom to have their child without any harm from outside interests. Every child is a special gift from God gift-wrapped inside a magical woman body. The baby is a special covenant from the Lord and is not meant to be altered or terminated, and doing so would violate a woman’s liberty. If women were given the right to vote in Ireland, they would not have passed such an evil repeal to one of the most fundamental rights in their so-called “democracy”. It’s no wonder how backward Ireland is when women are treated like they live in Iran.

There’s a good reason why Ireland is an afterthought in the United Kingdom, and the repeal is just one of the many, many reasons why. Ireland is the “little train that could” but never can, the Charlie Brown, the Glass Joe, the inferiority complex of a country that cannot muster the mental toughness to be a strong, fearful nation. The women of Ireland should all rise up and demand their rights to enjoy having a child without having to deal with the burden of their tyrannical government to choose whether or not their child lives or dies.

The one good thing Ireland produces is alcohol, and they will be needing tons of it for their upcoming political crisis. When all the women rise up and demand to be treated equally, the revolution will be bloody. If this repeal failed, all the needless bloodshed would not be possible. But with the legality of abortion, the permission to allow more needless baby deaths, there is more bloodshed from that action than in any single war. People of Ireland: it is about time to reconsider how your government should legislate your own people.

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a recent graduate of George Mason University who double majored in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.

There Are Not Nearly Enough Guns In The United States

~ DonKaftan ~ 1 Comment

Written by Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

By common law, it is a fact that the United States’ #1 hobby involves hunting. All forms of hunting involve a firearm, as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment of the United States of America’s constitution. If the 2nd Amendment wasn’t important, it wouldn’t be #2. But America is facing a tragedy once again, as gun sales have declined over the past six months because of mainstream media liberal outrage. The liberals claim to support the 2nd Amendment, but demand “universal background checks”, a dog-whistle word for socialism. This is a national outrage that demands more media recognition, but of course, you won’t find any coverage of this issue except on Bullshit News. Let’s dive deep into it:

As discussed before on this website, teachers are not properly armed to defend themselves in case ISIS busts open their English class door and force children to start speaking in Islam. We refuse to teach children about firearm safety and protocol to defend themselves from communist ISIS intrusion. If America’s children can’t learn to defend themselves from birth to death, how can they guarantee their own safety? Parents can only do so much by purchasing firearms for every member of their family, including pets, but they can’t do everything. That’s why teachers ought to teach children on the use of firearms starting around pre-kindergarten, or kindergarten for the more “slower” kids. As every kid learns from the James Bond movies, the only way to stop an alleged “bad person with a gun” is a good person with a gun, which happens to be almost every American who has a gun.

We reached out to the NRA for a quote, but they did not respond for comment:

NRAContact1

Clearly, the NRA is working very hard to keep fighting the good fight. But perhaps the NRA doesn’t want to confront the fact that gun sales are declining, but rather trying to reinvent guns and appeal them to a younger or different demographic. The secretive nature of the NRA makes many liberals upset because they cannot process logic, unlike a noble conservative institution like Bullshit News or The Rush Limbaugh Show. As an experienced doctor and lawyer, I am an expert in critical thought, and it should be obvious the NRA is in deep thought over this sensitive issue of gun sales. My best thoughts and prayers are with the NRA in this tragic time. They should have an answer to the nation soon enough.

I looked for answers outside of the NRA, but college libraries in my nearby vicinity have barred me because of my “white privilege”. I do not understand how other common everyday Americans are not outraged by the fact they are not armed to defend themselves or concerned about the decline in gun sales. Instead, they talked about Santa Fe, New Mexico for some reason, which I refuse to believe is a U.S territory or state. These “people” are clearly part of the problem, and they can solve this problem by adequately defending themselves with a handgun. Remember, there may be bad people with guns (and their intentions are probably not related to the gun), but with enough good people with guns can outmatch and outduel all the alleged “bad people with guns”. There are no bad people with guns, only criminals. And criminals are not people, as President Trump uttered yesterday. So who are the bad people with guns? An urban fiction.

“Universal Background Checks” are precisely what the Stasi used to reclaim Germany as a communist state. But eventually, they failed, just as Democrats ordinarily do. The UBC’s are a threat to our national epidemic on the lack of guns per American citizen, and if the liberals keep complaining their way, it’s possible for these so-called “Universal Background Checks” to become more recognized as a form of gun censorship. These acts are not just against nature, but the First and Second Amendment of our God-fearing country. These are acts of malice waiting to happen, and we don’t have the research to know whether or not UBC’s will lead to fewer guns in our society. But the fewer people have access to guns, the more dangerous people become. You cannot deprive people of their basic human liberty to defend themselves. But because liberals are not people, they do not have the emotions to empathize with a passionate American who loves the Second Amendment just as liberals love running the government to the ground with budget deficits and needless taxing.

As we approach a national epidemic of a possible decline in gun sales, let us purchase as many firearms as we are able to for this and next week so we can do our best to make our country better prepared for terrorist acts of Godless Islamic Communism. Our founding fathers did not invent a constitution to submit themselves to the United Kingdom and their monarchic oppression. It has long been a national pastime to own a gun, and we can’t let liberals take what most Americans love. If we let liberals get away with “Universal Background Checks”, they will start to pry away at other freedoms until America becomes a communist nation, precisely what Barack Hussein Obama wanted to leave as his legacy.

Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law related subjects like privacy. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.