Bernie Bro Arrested After Attempting To Illegally Inject President Trump With Marijuana

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

Tom Montefusco, A Democratic Party voter and marijuana enthusiast, was arrested yesterday morning around 7am after a failed attempt to run on the White House lawn with three needles in hand too, “inject the President with compassion and happiness”. Montefusco was found to be a part of the Democratic Party machine known as the “Bernie Brothers”, or “Bernie Bro” for short. The Bernie Brothers are the new wave of Democratic Party socialists that want to see an end for all economic organization and moral obligations in society. Bernie Bros actively attempt to overthrow the government so that the higher income inclined people, such as myself, pay more for taxes beyond our consent. But if there is something much more tangible and dangerous than socialists trying to raise our taxes (again), it’s an assassination attempt of our dearly beloved President.

It’s no secret that 2020 is an election year, the Democratic Party is outraged by four years of successful diplomacy and financial liberation from the Trump Administration. The economy is running well, which forces the Democrats to act highly aggressive, like letting one of their most dangerous senators like socialist champaign king Bernie Sanders and Israel-denier Elizabeth Warren run for candidacy. As of the time of this article’s release, Bernie Sanders, the most left-wing (communist-enthusiasts) members of their party. Radical politics is nothing new for the Democrats, but you can tell they’re going all-out. Their propaganda, combined with the questionably pernicious social media websites, have lead to the radicalization of Tom Montefusco, the would-be assassin.

Bernie Sanders has consistently demanded for our United States of America to surrender in the drug war when we are clearly ahead by miles. Elizabeth Warren has expressed sympathy for the enemy, including marijuana and it’s equally evil cousin, cocaine. Their support for their drug, perhaps even an endorsement at times, perhaps influenced Montefusco’s failed assassination bid. Perhaps he wanted to be enamored by his peers or was paid off by the Michael Bloomberg campaign as a smear to the socialists within his party. No matter who in the Democratic Party wanted this convoluted idea to go through, one of their future leaders will likely be in prison for the rest of his life because no one is above the law. Not even people that try to kill the president.

Tom Montefusco was not a “lone wolf”. He was very active with the Bernie Brothers’ movement to attack all that do not believe in their ideology, much like Joseph Stalin and his Antifa secret secret police. The Bernie Bros formed in 2015 on what appears to be a website called Twitter, where they began vocalizing their frustrations about people not reading enough Marx and engaging in the lamentations of the women. Their desire for drug consumption was a frequent discussion within the Bernie Bros, often encouraging each other to recklessly recreationally enjoy illegal substances. It was only a matter of time before one of them wanted to engage the community’s plea to kill the President.

Fortunately, all is fine–for now. But we must remain vigilant against the Bernie Bros, for they may try to attack President Trump again, especially when they lose the election again come November. No one should have to be forcibly injected marijuana without their consent. It is no different than murder or relaying electronic sign signals in a Baseball game. The Bernie Bros will never cease until Bernie Sanders is president, and it’s up to us to make sure that does not happen.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

President Trump Cures Opioid Epidemic

Written by Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

As an occasional lawyer and part-time doctor, I understand how truly catastrophic the Opioid epidemic can be, taking away the lives of many red, white and blue-blooded Republican Americans from living the hearts out. The science back in the day was dominated by leftists from Germany that pretended to be from Berkeley, they didn’t know anything. Those scientists said that opioids were good and are good for “pain-relief”. Those hippie liberals believe any drug is a good drug, and that “pain-relief” is a cure for internal problems the human body can’t solve like cancer, internal bleeding, or having Frog Person DNA. But from new studies about the opioid crisis (ethical disclaimer: I was a researcher of these studies), we have learned that opioid addictions will now become a thing of the past.

I am not from the medical school of Politico, I went to the Alpert Medical School at Brown University. But I will use the principle of charity here and assume they are very well-endowed and intelligent people. Because of their study, the Department of Health and Human Services has declared the opioid epidemic a closed case. HHS Secretary Alex Azar has gone on the record to say, “I’m happy to go on the record and say that a once major bummer in American society, is like totally done for. The man on the phone told me not to re-sign the paperwork that said it was a crisis because it wasn’t a big deal anymore. The man on the phone, Dr. Richard Sackler, said that he has everything under control. I trust his judgment and good character.”

Those intolerant bigots of the liberal mainstream media machine of injustice might have reported this as news with the bias of saying that Alex “Always A-Game” Azar had “forgotten to renew the proper paperwork”, but this framing implies that paperwork had to be done. It doesn’t have to, what significance can an easily crumbled up piece of paper really have in our society? Especially in regard to public health, Just look around your neighborhood, do you see anyone doing opioids? Since none of you said yes, you can tell that President Trump has worked on the issue long enough for the problem to mostly go away. And if we can sleep peacefully at night because of that fact, then that paperwork truly meant nothing after all.

Now that the Opioid epidemic is over, much like racism, America can now focus on bigger and better things like funding the military, ending the abortion movement once and for all, or best of all, re-election for this upcoming year. All of which is more important to focus on then our ever-loving and the depressingly eternal war on drugs (minus opioids). Another victory for Trump is a victory for us all, and a greater chance to ensure his second term that he deserves for caring the extra mile about our American people. While America has many other needs to attend to, today is a day for celebration that will be remembered for generations to come as America no longer has a problem with regards to opioids. Hurra!

 
Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and works as a property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law-related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.

First Fatal Marijuana Overdose Reported In San Pedro, California

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

Once thought to be a “safe” drug with “medicinal value”, a marijuana death was reported in the mid-sized city in Los Angeles County, California overnight. The death of the majorly drug-addicted young man, aged 36, is Xhris Winthrop. Xhris was much like any other “normal marijuana user”, he pretended to have a job to pay off his debts to his drug dealer and his community college, or both. Xhris was like any marijuana-addled teenager, trying to become a personal trainer in order to acquire capital to hopefully find a mate to copulate with and create more productive hard-working Americans that vote Republican. Instead, Xhris’s dreams were crushed by smoking too much marijuana, choking his lungs to a point where Xhris could no longer breathe due to the heavy marijuana smoke that riddled his rented apartment. He is survived by his mom, Erica Winthrop, and his step-sister, Jessica.

The Democrats and the millennial youth are promoting drug culture in America at a time where the War on Drugs is becoming deadlier and deadlier. Democrats claim that laws against drug use are actually racist, which doesn’t make any sense. As we all know, Donald Trump banned racism in 2018. Any further use of drugs past that point cannot be connected to the absolute horrors of racism and acts merely as a strawman for the ineptitude of the Democrat Party “thought” process. Marijuana, for the millennials unaware of the danger, is a no ordinary drug. It is a gateway drug, a drug that makes you believe other dangerous drugs like Heroin and Cocaine are acceptable and won’t kill you. It isn’t a gateway to Heaven as the addicts would like you to believe, it is a gateway to hell, where sinners and heavy metal fanatics live and play their jazz music all the time. Marijuana controls your thought process into doing more marijuana until you are “fed up with your highs” and decide to “munch on” a deadlier high. Xhris is merely the first person to succumb to the true dangers of marijuana that have been in scientific studies since the late 1930s.

Xhris was merely a casualty in a war that cares not for humanity but cares for the end of human normalcy. The drug culture that swept America in the 1960s has permeated over the American consciousness today. Once President Nixon declared that drugs were a serious threat to the American economy, efforts to maximize drug illegalization initiated, and have prevented an upwards of over two million deaths in America since. Sadly, Xhris was not one of those easily preventable deaths, even if he only used the “safe drug” that is/was marijuana. But as we mourn his grave, his death gives us all a stark reminder that no drug can ever be truly “safe” for consumption. Drugs alter your brain’s chemistry leading to poor decision making and creating a more difficult thought process. To be wise is to abstain from all drugs and going to Church every Sunday to wash away any unneeded sins that someone like Xhris would use drugs for comfort instead of taking the easier route to go to Church on Sundays. If only Xhris did that, he would probably still be alive today.

It is unfortunate now that Xhris is a martyr for the marijuana drug culture, even being considered a “hero” and a “legend” for his unremarkable ability to consume vast quantities of marijuana. The hippies on the left have no regard for life, which explains their radical support for abortion, or the killing of unborn children. But now we all know that marijuana, the king of all gateway drugs, can still kill. It is morally irredeemable for Democrats to claim that Marijuana and its “CBD” cousin are healthy and “medical” for people that claim they need medical assistance. What’s next from the Democrat Party, Medical Alcohol? Prescriptions for Cocaine and Heroin to cure cancer? LSD for infants? This is the future presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren want when they mean they want to end the War on Drugs, they want the drugs to win.

Drugs kill, no matter the drug. The Democrat Party wants to keep moving America towards an unsafe overdose of narcotics. The Republican Party, the party that actually cares for American progress, wants to make sure you and your kids are safe and free from all drugs. Abstinence is the best and only system to instill a clean mind, and marijuana is not an exception. Xhris Winthrop, unfortunately, learned it the hard way, but unlike the Democrat Party, he at least can learn from his mistakes in the afterlife, if he’s lucky enough to be accepted into Heaven after being a drug fiend. Don’t end up like Xhris kids, WINNERS DON’T DO DRUGS.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

The Green New Deal Is The Democratic Party’s First Step Towards Creeping Socialism

Written by Roger Goodmen

With the rise of socialism in the United States, our very livelihood of a traditional American society is fading quickly. Sinister Socialists like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Senator Ed Markey have proposed a bill aimed at curbing freedom and liberty for the benefit of pernicious solar power companies that want to overtake the energy industry by the government’s hand. Since the Solar Industry failed us before from Obama’s Solyndra Enterprise and Bill Clinton’s Monica Lewinski corporation, Democrats have been hellbent in trying to rid America of our beloved and historic coal, natural gas and oil corporations. These companies have employed millions upon millions of people, and evil socialists like Bernie Sanders want to destroy their careers in a prized historic field. Democrats only care to see America crumble, and implementing their “Green New Deal” would be the first step towards America’s decline.

What the “Green New Deal” entails, outside of raising taxes on everyone in the country in the name of “economic inequality”, is the destruction of the oil-powered energy grid, reducing America’s steel emissions, and forcing the American train industry to laboriously implement more train tracks in America in order to “Euro-fy” the country. Among many other nefarious acts of regulation Democrats want to impose, this supposed bill would change America’s culture for years to come, for the worst. If America were to become more like Europe, it would require America to have fewer walls, which is against the main interest of the American public. America needs more walls, that was one of the main reasons President Donald Trump was elected to begin with. An America without walls is like a steak cooked well done, it’s not the America I used to know.

Thankfully the Senate is still controlled by the one party in America that cares about the common man: The Republican Party. The Republicans know what the Democrats are trying to concoct is pure hippie nonsense influenced by the rise of “marijuana” in the country. America is not a drug country, and many of the ideas purposed in the “economic stimulus package” for the Green New Deal are dope-influenced ideas created by tenured political science professors at lower-tier universities that desperately need a pay raise. The Obama Regime was filled with many of these policy wonks that led America towards a creeping socialist country filled with “individual mandates”, which was the Obama elitist expression for a tax increase penalty to those that don’t subscribe to his socialized healthcare plan. Democrats have many reasons to be nostalgic for Obama, but implementing any more ideas from his agenda will result in a cerebral hemorrhage onto the country. Republicans, the elephants of America known for their long memory and ivory, know that the Green New Deal is really a sequel to Obamacare, and implementing it will result in the destruction of the America Dream as we know it for the middle and working class.

Why would the Democrats want to implement a bill that has no realistic chance of going through the Senate, let alone the President’s busy desk, remains uncertain. From my calculations and analysis, it’s implied that if the mainstream media runs a headline with “Green New Deal fails in the Senate”, it will make it appear like Republicans don’t care about agriculture, which is egregiously false. There remains an agenda that the Democratic Party has with the Green New Deal that lies with shaming and guilt-tripping the Republican Party to install a new wave of taxation across America in order for “their children to see the future”, which leads to my main point.

Bullshit News has in the past debunked the myth of a man named “Al Gore” attempting to destroy our economy in the name of “the environment” or “Global Warming” or the other broadly named “Climate Change”. The Green New Deal is a similar, but more socialist effort to corrode the hard-working American economy. Global Warming was supposedly a threat to America in the mid-2000s, yet America and the majority of the Planet are still here. If Global Warming were really such a threat, how come our species haven’t been extinct yet? Why hasn’t this “Al Gore” character-actor shown up in public for the last dozen years or so? It’s all part of an elaborate ruse by the Democratic Party in order to increase taxes on every person in America so that they could increase their own paychecks. The Green New Deal is full of earmarks and pig barrel spending to benefit the Democratic Party’s biggest donors at the expense of their most vulnerable, which to be fair has been the Democratic Party’s agenda for as long as human history has been recorded about the United States of America.

Beware of the “Green New Deal”, it will not make America or planet Earth any greener, and there are no guarantees in the bill about making America “green” again. The only thing green about this bill is the money the Democrat’s biggest donors and elitists will collect if such a bill passes. America has never been a country for elites, and it needs you to stand up and protest this vile bill. If the Democrats keep corrupting their country in ways that haven’t been seen in any nation since Machiavelli’s The Prince, they might as well just get what they want. And if the Democratic Party gets what they want, socialism, we might as well just as be dead just like the Democratic Party’s fantasies regarding Global Warming.

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.

Opioids: How Democrats Are Killing Republicans

Written by Mortimer E. Wallacaster

The War on Drugs, formed by President Richard Nixon to soberize the country from the fascist drug-craven reign of LBJ, has been one of America’s toughest wars to fight in recent memory. The latest drugs that poison America’s unfortunate able-bodied workers are something called “opioids”. Opioids function as pain relief, as a method to get away from the nonstop liberal rhetoric the mainstream media pollutes daily. Opioids are effectively the number one cause of death to conservatives. A national tragedy.

Opioids are just one drug trying to kill Americans, and more importantly conservative Americans. There is also cocaine, the Fidel Castro-approved method of self-destruction as seen in Scarface. Heroin, the so-called “mushrooms”, methamphetamine, LSD, ecstasy (otherwise known to the kindergarteners as “molly”), and marijuana are all popular amongst the youth. Each of these drugs leads to destructive habits and corruptible behaviors like voting for a Democrat in a midterm election, of all elections. There are compelling reasons as to why each of these drugs is illegal, but each of them can also kill you. Especially Marijuana, which is the drug most likely to lead towards deviant behavior and mental illness. Such mental illness that makes some Republicans (RINOS) convert to Democrats, like Ron Paul and his sicko-lackey, Gary Johnson. These RINOS want to surrender the war on drugs to the drugs because they are already addicted to that liberal crack menace. Ronald Reagan fought to save these souls from the liberal crack, but too much exposure from it never salvaged Ron Paul.

America will never surrender to drugs, Mr. Ron Paul. Not while Jeff Sessions is Attorney General, who is supporting a maximum-prison term sentence for drug-related offenses. The greatest way to hasten the end of the drug war is a lesson from the Philippines, America’s most forgettable colony. They no longer have drug problems, as President Rodrigo Duterte has personally ended the lives of all drug distributors and manufacturers in his country. Donald Trump has looked up to Duterte for drug policy influence, which is not a bad place to begin looking for research. Better than those “Lib(eral)aries” the government wastes tax dollars on.

The death penalty, otherwise known as capital punishment, would be a great end to a mean to the “War on Drugs”. It is a war that has dragged on far too long, much like the War of Northern Aggression. Much like the “War on Christmas”, “War on Poverty”, “War on Coal”, and the “War on The History Channel Never Airing History-Related Segments” created by Senator Grassley, these wars are all catastrophic to our American tax dollars. “Poverty is Expensive”, says famous author James Baldwin. Needless deaths resulting from these wars reduce our GDP and weakens our country in doing so. Drug dealers never intend to be taxed for their work, which is an especially heinous crime. If the United States of America cannot profit from mercantile transactions, it is an act of war. Opioids make this problem hazy, and Democrats seize this moment to support the drugs perspective on the war to disillusion the American populace from capitalism. This is an act of treason.

The Democrats have made mind-altering drugs to persuade young conservatives to the liberal blue pill mindset, and enjoy that evil carnivorous “Grateful Dead” jam band music that fuels the marijuana pollution in the air. The opioids are the Democrats latest drug-craze experiment that has gone madly wrong, more people are dying from opioids than from cars. It has reached far past the point where someone is more likely to die from relieving the pain of a car accident, then the car exploding because you wanted to smoke a cigarette at a gas station. Liberals have conceited that if they cannot attempt to win over voters with failed ideology and false promises, then they must kill the opposition in order to remain relevant. This is sickening and unethical to the lowest degree. The opioids must stop harming our God-fearing Americans in the heartland. It is time to crank up the War on Drugs, kill the drug creators, manufacturers, and distributors, and for opioids to be over.

Just say no.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month.