Do We Really Need An Election?

Written by Dan Shapiro

It’s almost October, and soon it will be one of the most important days of any day of any country on Earth, Election Day. Once a long held tradition created to bestow a proper successor to George Washington, many on the intellectual side of the globe in America have felt that elections have been antiquated for the past 30 or so years. Once an established part of a robust Democratic system, it is rife with fraudulent voters, mailing errors, and other Democratic Party obstructions designed to rig a once perfectly run system. With the polls so high in President Trump’s favor, one can argue this upcoming election will be purely for show and have no meaning or luster that it once had. It’s time to abolish elections.

Elections used to be meaningful competitions between Democrats and Whigs, Democrat Republicans vs. Know-Nothings until after the War of Northern Aggression has lead us to the same Democrat vs. Republican in the battle of evil vs good for the past 170 years. The plotlines have remained largely the same, the GOP pulls out one of their best and finest leaders while the Democrats go to hell and back to pick a nefarious person that aligns best with their ideology against faith and the ordinary American citizen. Hillary Clinton, the previous nominee before admitted anti-Christ Joe Biden, was a woman created out of scorn and villainy that could only be designed by the most nefarious lobbyists and evil fascist masterminds that control the strings of the Democrat Party. Now that the American people fully understand that the Republican Party is by their side and the Democrats are filled with nepotism and wasteful government spending, their days are finished.

Elections nowadays are a broken system, the Democrats insist that the Electoral College, an institution almost as old and precious as our country, should be replaced with a “popular vote system”, a system designed by 6 year olds who fight to get their favorite candy in their kindergarten classrooms. America cannot have a president that is directly elected without states interfering, for that would break a tradition long held to preserve the special status that comes with presidency. Should America try and establish this dim-witted ‘popular vote’ system, then anyone could win the presidency. Democrats would shove their fictitious Al Gore presidency without any reprimanding. They would eliminate checks and balances and turn America into a fascist state. The ‘popular vote’ theory does not include anything more simple than just counting up votes. There’s got to be more to it for an election result to happen. Simplicity leads to the worst results, and we cannot have mathematical errors that result from it to give us answers.

The Electoral College does its job very well, it is a scientific formula created by the Founders of our country designed to run elections efficiently without simplicity. The Founders did not want any commoner to win an election by picking their own name and getting elected without any vetting. There were too many “Adam Smiths” of that time period, and if all of them started to write their own name in the election instead of picking the aligned-two or three candidates to vote for, we would have too many “Adam Smiths” as president. Thus, all of the founders of the country had to meet again at a bar (it was the style at the time) and formally decide how the presidency and line of succession worked.

And all of this leads us to today, about a month and a week or so until the pointless 2020 election. Trump has been commanding the polls since Biden came out of Delaware with black smoke that inaugurated him as the Democratic Party’s nominee. President Trump has already accomplished more than many presidents could think of in four years: he ended racism, appointed Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court, and found and condemned the evil Obamagate that was infesting the country. Oh and by the way, he streamlined the cure to the possibly fictional Covid-19 outbreak created by the Bernie Sanders campaign. It’s like Democrats don’t even want to go through an election with a man that phenomenal of a resume. So the Democrats should let it go this year, and perhaps maybe forever, and just let Trump finish painting his masterpiece.

Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on GOP Politics, the 2020 presidential elections, and Iran. Dan went to Yale and graduated at the top of his class stemming from his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to “own” liberals with his vast and mighty big brain. He lives in New York City and talks in 90dB SPL.

Joe Biden Is Using Illegal Hispanic Immigrants To Vote For Him

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

As we move closer and closer towards the unneeded 2020 Presidential Election, we must be reminded that the Democrat Party have routinely tried to artificially inflate the number of voters they receive in order to cheat the real hard-working God-fearing American people from getting the Republican president they deserve. As per tradition, the Democrat Party is at it again, with much more desperation then they ever have needed before. So it should come to no surprise that Democrat Party nominee Joe Biden is receiving an influx of help from the “Hispanics” from the island of “Mexico” to help vote for him.

Bullshit News has already discussed at-length the evil and callous nature of the anti-christ and his co-star, who wish to seek vengeance against the American people for trying to work their hard-earned 9-5 jobs. They understand they don’t have the number of votes needed to win almost every state except for Sodom and California, so they must rely on these “Hispanics“, a fancy sociological word for illegal immigrants, to vote in-mass for them. Knowing that Americans can only have one vote, but Hispanics can vote as often as they want, Biden and his base understand the only way to win is to cheat. The Biden campaign aims to airlift as many Hispanics from Hispaniola and the Isle of Mexico onto as many states as possible to vote for him, as much as 128 times. They are fearless cretins who will check mark Joe Biden 1,000 times despite that massive benefits the Trump Administration has given to their people.

This disgusting act of political heresy is nothing new in the tradition of Democratic Party politics. Democrats in the past have been able to capture illegal people to vote illegally in order to cheat a legitimate aspect of our noble political structure. The electoral college is one of the oldest institutions in our Democracy that exists for the purpose of counting every ballot and sending it up to the sky to God for verification that these people all exist, and which states will “win the votes”. Now God is an old man, still wise but yet still very old. His judgement hasn’t been the same since his son was killed by the Jerry Garcia. Nevertheless he can’t be wrong because he is all-knowing and omniscient and whatnot. God doesn’t know the difference between an “American voter” who can only vote once and the ill “Hispanic voter” that can vote as many times as they need. There is significant concern that God will just permit these “Hispanic voters” and the results could be disastrous for our democracy.

Nevertheless, no amount of Hispanics will impede a determined President Trump from saving America from the bureaucracy of an election. But to see the Democrats using dirty cheap tricks being done dirt cheap is another sign that we are in the right ethically. If the Democrats lose with their “surplus of voters”, they will riot and commit wrath of such high level that the results can be drastic. The influx of the Hispanic voters being parachuted into the election should not be enough to guarantee a Biden victory, but it can guarantee some unfortunate and unneeded suspense on Election Day.

What can you, the conscientious and intelligent reader, do about this? Well it’s easy, you need to vote. Even if you can’t vote a million times like a parachuting Mexican, your vote will still matter. No matter the outcome, whether Trump wins and Biden loses or Biden wins and Trump loses, the Democrats had to cheat to get there. There is nothing the Democratic Party does that is legal and legitimate that gives them power. They are hungry for nothing but relentless bureaucracy and tax increases. They want YOU to have less money and Trump wants to help you. Any real American knows that the choice is clear, and that anyone voting for that anti-christ infidel is a vote for treason.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.

Who Is Kamala Harris And What Is Her Plot To Destroy America?

Written by Sid Phyllis

The DNC anti-Christ Superstar nominee Joe Biden has made an important announcement unrelated about conceding the race. He has named his vice presidential running mate, a mysterious women cloaked in secrecy and nastiness. Her name is Kamala Harris, and she keeps her past a mystery for one clear reason: she is hiding her communist/Marxist (ie: Antifa) and Lutheran roots from the rest of America. Kamala was once in charge of her local Antifa chapter, and helped propel it to becoming one of the most dominant antifa blocs in America. Kamala has roots with socialist, terrorist and socialist terrorist college clubs, which began a political career that went so far as serving as a senator for California. She comes from a high pedigree of socialist prosecutors and university presidents, two career paths full of people with ludicrous minds and anti-God ideology. But this is as much as we know about her mysterious past, and her sudden rise to power among the communist radical left.

Biden choose Kamala above all other candidates because he is a dope fiend with nothing to lose. A lifelong committed sinner associated with the Obama regime would much prefer an Antifa wunderkind rather than a normal committed loser like Mondale or Kerry who have the political experience needed for vice-president coupled with the lack of effective political leadership to help President Donald Trump ensure an already easy path to reelection that much easier. Biden understands his time on this planet is near the end for his somewhat mortal human coil, and choose a young person to be his VP given all of his other “friends” are about as old as the Looney Tunes cartoons.

Kamala has the young blood, a concept very pure to an anti-Christ like Joe Biden. Perhaps Biden may also be hiding vampire or frog person roots and will use Kamala Harris’s blood to make him feel rejuvenated and young again. Age can still effect a thing like Biden, even if his own politics with Kamala may be different (nay, less radical), he needs the young blood to stay alive. Biden might have ran for president with the only thing on his mind to reverse his aging process. Kamala, on the other hand, may have much more serious and dangerous intentions on what she wants to see different in America.

As said earlier, Kamala Harris was once an antifa radical, who was “forced” to change her beliefs in order to gain a higher footing in politics. She served as a prosecutor to save face, and was able to run as a senator for Commiefornia once Barbara Boxer was shipped out to the moon. Her political career is no accident, it is a well-maintained balance between accidents and being so insufferably evil (and potentially satanic, we could not confirm) that she’s absorbed the souls of several political foes (including within her own antifa chapter according to Sean Davis, from the liberal rag FDRLIST). If Kamala has no agenda against our God-created and God-loved United States of America, she should speak now or forever be questioned and seen as traitor against American values and ergo, the people.

If Kamala were as innocent as the mainstream media credit her as, why do they never mention her antifa background? It’s integral to her political career, it helped make her the women she is today. She is a cryptic riddle surrounded by wrong and evilness, a favorite combination for the Democrat Party. She certainly is hiding something nefarious and pernicious, and for the benefit of President Trump we should find out before the election. President Trump always has something up his sleeves when it comes to political power.

The future of America will be decided by you very soon. So long as you do not trust the nefarious and evil Post Office to help you “vote-by-mail”, you will be safe in America’s hands with a Trump victory. As we are a few months away, we must be reminded about the satanism behind Joe Biden and unknown horrors of the (potentially former) antifa radical and one-time prosecutor/senator mysterious women Kamala Harris. Like most Democratic Party stunts, this can easily backfire in the GOP’s favor like the existence of Michael Dukakis or Chappaquiddick, but this year is highly volatile and unpredictable. From the Bernie Sanders campaign creating and spreading the Coronavirus to organized mass movements against the police, anything despicable can happen this year, such as a Biden “win”. Don’t let this stop you from going to the voting booth and casting your ballot for Trump. God wants Trump, do not disappoint Him.

 

Sid Phyllis is the Bullshit News correspondent in political/foreign affairs (other) and our White House Correspondent. Sid grew up in Chicago and got sick of living in the big city and moved into a rural blue-collar state where the real America is. Instead of going to some elite four-year college, he started a consulting firm in Wyoming (Donovan and Phyllis Firm, or DP Firm) that quickly became the #1 best firm in the state. Sid joined Bullshit News for his qualifications in understanding how the REAL Blue-Collar Americans think.

LeBron James: “Everyone Needs To Vote For Ted Cruz”

Written By Rachel Gilfords

Bullshit News’s sports correspondent, Rachel Gilfords, recently sat down for a quick 5-minute post-game interview with Los Angeles basketball phenom and notable conservative, LeBron James. LeBron James has won three NBA Championships and has a passion for a balanced budget, lowering taxes, school choice, and liberty among other conservative ideals. We were lucky to have some time for the NBA legend who recently built a school dedicated for poor people to maybe, just maybe, have a chance at having a decent life. Something Hillary Clinton and Jerry Brown both have failed to achieve in their careers that a mid 30’s basketball player can easily accomplish with a checkbook.


 

Rachel Gilfords: Thank you for your time, Mr. James.

LeBron James: It’s my pleasure. I love talking about my passions in life, which expand beyond basketball and African-American culture. Many people don’t know this, but I am a conservative that loves freedom and tax cuts just like any normal guy.

RG: Rivetting. You opened up a school in Akron, Ohio with no expectations of making a profit or any kind of revenue. That’s very brave. Tell me more about this new “I Promise” school you spent a lot of money on.

LBJ: Oh I would love to spend all day talking about that. But that’s not important right now. What’s important is that tomorrow is Election Day and that everyone that isn’t a convicted a felon and preferably not liberal should take the time to vote. Otherwise, democracy won’t function as it should. What’s even more important, and why I wanted to talk to your platform Rachel, is that the people of Texas have a great gift in the Senate whose name is Ted Cruz. I’ve known Ted for a long time, he’s a good friend of mine. Everyone in the state of Texas needs to vote for Ted Cruz. He will make the trains run on time while saving money, that’s just how special Ted really is.

RG: When did you first meet Senior Cruz?

LBJ: Back in 2011 when I played for the Miami Heat we went to the [NBA] Finals against the Dallas Mavericks. Ted is a Houston Rockets fan and came to one of the games in my jersey, which spiked my attention. Ted has been a fan of my game since I first joined the league in 2003. That kind of loyalty is hard to find nowaday.

RG: What are your opinions about Ted Cruz’s challenger, Beto O’Rourke?

LBJ: I’m not interested in liberals that daydream of cutting my sweet, sweet salary. Look, I and many other millionaires have worked long and hard to get where we are today–and in the NBA there is no other organization that publicly demonstrates just how hard us guys work on ourselves to play basketball as a professional service. Same goes for any professional sport. I’ve never heard of this Beto O’Foole before, and that shouldn’t matter. What matters is that Ted Cruz, a man I’ve been friends with for fifteen years deserves to continue his phenomenal service as America’s best and most accomplished senator. Ted Cruz was the only Republican senator competent to stand up against Barack Obama and his evil liberal overspending on meaningless legislation. He helped shut down the Government in 2013 to make everyone pay attention to the horrors of the Obama regime. It was then I had my true Republican re-awakening, that Charles Barkley was right all along. And I thank Ted for that, I would not know where my career would be today if it weren’t for Ted Cruz’s selfless service to prove to everyone that Obama was not the man the mainstream media wished him to be.

RG: Why are you so passionate over the Texas Senate election when you never lived in Texas?

LBJ: Because that’s just how much Ted means to me. He’s truly a one-of-a-kind politician that really cares about his community. I mean, if Ted Cruz never cared about his constituents, he would never listen to them. But he does, it must be some of that Canadian kindness that hides in his all-American heart. [Chuckles]

RG: That’s absolutely wonderful LeBron. Any other comments?

LBJ: Please get out to the polls on Tuesday and vote for my man Ted Cruz. Don’t be like J.R. Smith and not know when or how to vote when there’s still time on the clock. Every vote counts–for Ted Cruz. Also, he is definitely not the Zodiac Killer, I don’t know why people bring that up. If Ted Cruz really was the Zodiac Killer, wouldn’t it make a lot more sense then this baseless conspiracy theory that he just happened to be in Northern California in the early 1970’s? It’s irrelevant to the content of his character.

RG: It’s just one of those liberal “fake news things” again. They are really desperate trying to make all-Republican Texas into a liberal sodomic state with lies and distortion.

LBJ: You really can’t trust the Democratic Party nowadays. They are SO DESPERATE FOR VOTERS!! [laughs heartily]. They’ll try anything for attention. They should just shut up and dribble if they ever want to be like me.

RG: Thank you once again for your time and service, Mr. LeBron James.


 

LeBron James is one of the biggest voices for millennials and other contemporary celebrities stuck in the liberal River Stix known as “Hollywood”. He currently plays basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers and has three children. He has no plans to live in Texas at this time.

Please go to the polls tomorrow and vote Republican! Otherwise, the world as we know it might not be the same with Nancy Pelosi in (some resemblance of) power again.

 

Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent and On-Field Reporter. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.