BREAKING: Racism Is Over

Written by Don Kaftan, Editor-In-Chief, and Founder

President Donald Trump has issued an executive order declaring that the war on racism is now over, with the evil racist communists losing. This is now one of President Donald Trump’s most significant accomplishments and victories to date. Now Blacks, Reds, Asians, Jews, Hispanics, Mexicans, and White Americans can all peacefully coexist without having to bother or insult each other based on the skin they are born with. It was only fifty years ago this year that the Civil Rights Act was passed in a failed liberal effort to end racism, which in reality only inspired riotings, lootings, and lynchings in every mall and suburb in America. But now we can at long last put our past aside and focus working on the now: Making America Great Again.

President Trump also gave a speech during one of his rallies in Arkansas about issuing his executive order. Trump noted that he was the first president ever to take on racism, “They’ll have it in the papers: President Donald Trump was the president that finally brought down the whole racism deal. Ronald Reagan couldn’t do it. Bill Clinton brought back racism from its grave. Carter only gave bad deals and the Iranian government bombs. It was even too hard for former President George Bush. But I did it, I finally did it for you America! [crowd cheers] Racism is over! Take that Obama! Obama was too scared to approach racism, actually…I think in fact he was a racist! [crowd roars into another applause] He had to have been racist because he couldn’t end racism. But I did!”

Racists have decided that their cause isn’t worth fighting anymore and have conceded to President Trump that they are flawed liberals in need of re-education. The executive order forces anyone that still holds “abhorrent views on racialism” to be put into these re-education camps and forcibly learn their ways or face a maximum prison sentence. Racism has long been a problem in America ever since it was pointed out that it existed from a Martin Luther King Jr. speech about dreams or mountain tops of that variety. He wanted his people to be let go of the shackles of racism. He tragically passed away from a wound relating to a racist’s interactions with King. Rest in Peace, Martin Luther King Jr. We hope you can smile back at us now that we have solved your dream riddle.

Now for the Democratic Party, they are effortlessly doomed. No rational citizen will want to vote for a political party that didn’t end racism. What values do they really have? The only groups that want to pander to the Democratic Party now are socialists, unions, and Nazis. All strong morally repugnant populist groups. Perhaps they will continue to dwell on their racist “grassroots” strategy in an effort to steal voters from the AARP as well as their illegal voter fraud the Democratic Party construes to win House/Senate seats. Any smart citizen will realize the Democratic Party will only try to elect the most fascist candidates to office in an attempt to seize power for themselves forever. How ironic!

Fear not united by race American citizens, for the Godless Islamic plot in Syria remains a critical threat to the free world. America, as beautiful as she is exceptional, must be united against its other wars on Iraq, Afghanistan, drugs, poverty, illegal immigration, voter fraud, Christmas, random Middle Eastern countries that deserve it, Benghazi, cancer, trade, energy, coal, women, culture, and especially in Syria. With all these major wars to focus on it’s good riddance to racism, to say the least.

America clearly has bigger problems to focus on, especially in regards to the fake news epidemic that has been sweeping the nation for years now. Bullshit News wants to congratulate you on doing your job to preserve the status quo for the better Americans around us. We rely on your fanatical (and eventually financial) support in order to Make America Great Again. Keep reading about the good fight, and continue to make Bullshit News trend around the world. Thank YOU.

Don Kaftan is the founder of Bullshitnews.org.  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. Don Kaftan was mentioned on William F. Buckley’s deathbed as future conservatives that speak the most truth to power. Don considers this to be the highest honor in the world after being married to his wife and being born into this world by the grace of God.

Syria: Iraq’s Evil Twin

Written by Dan Shapiro

President Donald Trump announced at 6:00PM today that he has ordered a military strike against Syria for using chemical weapons on their own people. Where did Syria come from before 2017? They are a country formed by ISIS, which was created from the evil remnants of the Iraqi government and Al-Qaeda. The leader of Syria is Bashir Al-Assad, who has a wide range of indicators influences from Nero to Roberto Mugabe to Joseph Stalin. His use of chemical weapons on his own people shows how fragile the cousin or nephew or whatever of Saddam Hussein. President Trump decided that Assad has gone too far in the world, and should cease to exist as well as his fractured nation, “Syria”.

“Syria” is one of the few countries in the world that willingly harbor terrorists and terrorist ideology. They were long overdue for a good bombardment as a reminder that their worldview is not what makes the world go round. American liberty is what makes the world go round, and not Godless Islamic barbaric terrorism. Assad is an insidious president whose true intentions are unknown. I can only speculate that he wants to rule with an iron fist by murdering his people, rather than tweeting about it. He has gone too far in asserting terrorist ideology and abetting the deaths of American soldiers that he must be scalped. No one messes with America nor its strong economy and liberty exports.

As our military might bombs the shit out of this freedom hating cock-gobbler, let us remember what it is like to be truly free in this crazy coiled-up world: by being an American citizen. There really is nothing quite like being free from terrorism in our neighborhoods or worrying if a country would decide to attack us at any given moment. Everyone on Earth knows about how exceptional America is, and are in awe of our sheer might to be the world’s leader in liberty. Syria does not have these luxuries because of their failure to adapt to the global environment. And sometimes, you just have to learn lessons the hard way. That’s just life.

Syria better learn its lesson before it becomes too late. We should not have spared Iraq’s twin and assumed that Iraq was just the evil twin. America however, never forgets her mistakes. America has a strong arsenal of other missiles, bombs, and a whole nuclear arsenal that will forcibly convert Syria’s senses to what a life of freedom looks like. Bashir Al-Assad is a threat to the American people, and he must be forcibly dealt with. Life and limb.

Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on Republican Party Politics and that Middle East thing. Dan went to Yale and graduated at the top of his class stemming from his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to “pwn” liberals with his vast and mighty big brain. He lives in New York City and talks in 90dB SPL.

Brexit: How England Wants To Be America Now

Written by Gilbert Miser

England is sick of being represented by an old queen, and has finally caved into an American concept known as “liberty” as well as, “freedom”. In 2016, the “people” in England voted on a referendum (a spontaneous election but lamer) to decide whether or not they want to be governed by a queen and her hornet’s nest (the European Union), or finally leave their parent’s basement of monarchy and become an independent democracy. The wise people of England voted to leave the European Union and by proxy disobeying the queen that has ruled over their land for over a millennium. The term “Brexit” is a combination of words relating to Britain, exit, and Chex Mix, the corporate sponsors of the “Leave EU” movement.  As England leaves the European Union, they become much closer to being American than ever. That will greatly help our weird-looking allied country.

These are quite exciting times for the people that have given us The Beatles, Monty Python, and whatever the hell “fish and chips” are. No longer will England be governed by an autocratic queen that hordes the largest selection of “tea” in the known world, but they will be able to draft their own constitution and have truly free elections. The European Union was bringing England down with its debt and stagnation as well as the stranglehold the evil Queen of Britain has cast down on them. Time will keep ticking until March 29th, 2019 when England will finally be its own state, permanently withdrawn from the “United Kingdom” and turn into a democracy.

Until that time, England will have its own boring decisions to make regarding trade, immigrants and whatever. Their economy will grow stronger from being away from European Union regulations and whatever the Queen demands. England still has quite a way to go before it fully turns into the USA of Europe, perhaps they should begin building a wall to prevent the Spanish from bringing their crime, drugs, and all that anti-Christian stuff. They need to do away with the European tradition of “SOCCER” dominating their society and turn to the much more manly and American sport, football. Financially, they’ll have to deal with their currency exchange rate, but they have more pressing issues to worry about before the March 29th due date. They have plenty of time to fix their culture and make it more entertaining.

Leaving the European Union and subsequently, the Queen of Britain will greatly assist the ailing economy of England, which is hampered by a plethora of taxes to support a 21st-century monarchy and keeping it afloat. After enough taxation without proper representation, the English have finally realized that the United States of America has a better deal in the world then they do, and if they want to be anywhere near America’s level, they need to step up their game. It’s time to give props for England in realizing their 242-year blunder in having a normal government. Congratulations to Theresa May, the first president of England! You’ve earned it.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial correspondent. His billionaire parents died under mysterious circumstances he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became a multibillionaire. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner”. 

Political Correctness: How Democrats Are Trying To Make The English Language More Communist

Written by Dan Shapiro

Within this millennium, college campuses have gone berserk with over-correcting people based on their identity. It seems like a long time ago, “political correctness” was a way of condoning Communism and softballing the socialist framework in order to appear more approachable and acceptable, hiding behind the very real dangers behind those wicked ideologies. Nowadays, college campuses are reinforcing a “political correctness” mindset towards its students and ideologies that are antithetical to the American Dream. No one can use the words “spook” or “fairy” anymore in their courses because apparently, they are considered “racist” and “homophobic” words. How? These rules are never explained, merely enforced and considered to be common knowledge towards fellow college colleagues. This sort of action is UnAmerican and deserves further scrutiny.

At first, “political correctness” was created from the Fairness Doctrine. The Fairness Doctrine was designed to make the English language and political discourses safer from the advent of television. This policy corroded the American consciousness until it was terminated by the next President to be added to Mt. Rushmore, Ronald Reagan. But while Reagan closed the door on “political correctness”, it came back seeking to invigorate college students into becoming Antifa anarchist radicals willing to firebomb large business buildings in the name of “anti-fascism”. They would wish they sounded that awesome, but really those same people smoke their bongs and decry about capitalism through their Xangas and LiveJournals. As a result, our children have become more sensitive about the rigorous and well-maintained reality that surrounds them and have turned into feminists French chain-smokers.

This is what communism wants from our children that are ready to work for a living until their eventual retirement, they want to destroy the state from the inside out. Political correctness, to put it simply, is socialist propaganda. The Democratic Party, in another desperate attempt to gain voters and appear more relevant, must tie college-aged children to the far-left in order to sway them away from the glorious goods of capitalism. Only this is one of their few attempts at being more popular is working, and its effect on American democracy seems wavering. The liberals have threatened to create a “Blue Wave”, its liberal framing of “Red October”, in the upcoming midterm election. What Democrats really want is healthcare for all, more regulations on liberty, and to imprison those that disagree with their radical agenda. Attempt to call them out on their illogical beliefs and they call you a “bigot”, in a desperate attempt to shut down YOUR speech. So much for “sticks and stones”.

The Democrats aren’t just targeting college-aged kids, but the entire English language as a whole. The liberals have attempted to remove mundane words, like “spastic”, “Mondays”, or “faggot” since the snowflakes deemed those words “offensive”. Do these liberals watch football? Life is like football, it revolves around OFFENSE and DEFENSE. (Editor’s Note:  Football also has a “Special Teams”, which is what liberals think are what the “physically handicapped” better known as cripples, play within the sport). You need to have both to achieve the American Dream, the desire to defend property, and the offense capabilities of earning your way into retirement.

It’s a sad fact of reality that the “intellectually disabled” are called “retarded”, but that does not mean that we should stop saying the word “retard”. That’s retarded. We cannot stop what other people call other people, no matter the profanity or the outlandish nature of a word. We cannot change words, they come to us with meaning and changing that meaning into something else, in a liberal’s stance to something “less offensive”, would be exactly what the communists would want. The liberals claim that “offensive words” are oppressing and delegitimize fellow Americans. I staunchly disagree, no one needs to be offended by words, they can just accept their status quo and move forward without deterrent. If you’re going to be offended by simple words, how can you expect to become a successful American? Life is all about shit hitting the fan, if you can’t embrace it you will not adapt, and die as a result.

The Democratic Party is attempting to coup d’etat the English language from its capitalist roots and cutting those roots and trying to grow a new tree in the name of communism. It’s the closest thing the liberals have to expand their voting base and try to “blue wave” over America. Do not fall for their “retarded” schemes to eradicate the English language as we know it, call words the exact way they are intended and refuse to adapt to their ongoing changes. Say the words you had in mind, never censor yourself to or in front of a liberal.

Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on Republican Party Politics and that Middle East thing. Dan went to Yale and graduated at the top of his class stemming from his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to “pwn” liberals with his vast and mighty big brain. He lives in New York City and talks in 90dB SPL.