God Needs More Money

Written by Pastor John Mathewson

Hello, faithful and loyal readers of the Bullshit News, it is I, your honorable pastor, John Mathewson. I only wish to communicate with you, the noble Republican reader directly, because the issue that is at hand is beyond compelling through comprehension on what is happening in the world we desire and pray for on a Sunday to Sunday basis.

I have just received a vision from God, and it turns out our holy deity that despises the Islamic religion and the other one with the “yamulkes”, have really hit dire straits. Believe me, believe God, believe in Best Buddy Jesus Christ because Heaven is attempting to construct an all-new Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network to help all of us Christian humans have better communications for this multi-billion dollar corporation in the sky.

For you see, a great and all-powerful man named God runs and operates this multi-billion corporation called Heaven, and the upkeep for Heaven’s costs are astronomically high. If you were to keep taxing God like this, the banks would run and control heaven while forcing God to foreclose and bankrupt his for-prophet organization. But if you are dumb you must be asking yourself one question, “What is a bank?”

If you really are this dumb, I can assist. Banks are places where there are tons of money stored. The money just sits there, doing absolutely nothing, untouched by government or man, but just by the bank itself. This is the money God needs to start constructing a modern and enhanced Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network in Heaven, as well as helping a nephew of a family friend of ours in church, Erik Prince operate Academi, a peacekeeping Christian diplomatic organization that helps the Godless Islamic Barbarians in the Middle East on understanding The Bible.

Giving your money directly to God is quite a difficult thing to do, which is why pastors, priests, and all the others are exchequers of God. Each and every one of us have proper rules regarding finances and avoiding usury from corrupting our souls. But I must bring up the banks again in our conversation, they are also closed on Sundays, which is ridiculous. All of that money in all of those vacant-on-Sundays lots would be better suited in the House of the Lord!

Does anyone know how expensive it is to install a perfectly functional Telecommunications and Multimedia Broadcast Network up in Heaven while also quality-assuring and sound-checking the infrastructure once it’s all set up so that God can help process in more lost souls into Heaven while upgrading the media operations for better audio and visual clarity to better boost performance? How else could banks help this out without giving their money on over to us? The thought process is absurd and depressing. We are making God’s work in vain by not helping him out. Thoughts and prayers will not help us here, only financing.

That is why I ask you, faithful and pure Bullshit News viewers and endorsers, who are already not financing Bullshit News, to finance Bullshit News eventually but not right this moment. God’s work is much more important and requires much more precision and accuracy. We all think of God in dark times, and truth be told friends, God thinks he is in hard times due to a large amount of financing left to be told to start the initial process of Heaven’s Telecommunication and Multimedia Broadcast Network system. Please, don’t think of us (just yet), think of God, and how he helps you. And his son Jesus who did his thing and yadda yadda yadda you all understand and hear it every day just like me.

Help them, help me, but most importantly help God, who was/is them. God needs more money, contact your local pastor or priest or otherwise Christian Messenger for more explicit inquiry on how you can help God today, and tomorrow.

Pastor John Mathewson is Bullshit News’s go-to Pastor, Religion, and Eschatology Correspondent. He accepts people from every denomination and religion into his church, including Black Israelites, excluding Agnostics. He has a golden retriever he loves and adores named “Johanna”.

RUMOR: President Trump To Issue Executive Order To Turn Grand Canyon Into Multiple Golf Courses And Five-Star Resorts

Written by Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq

Citing internal sources within the White House, President Trump has declared he is tired of the eyesore that is the Grand Canyon (located somewhere in Arizona) and would desire one of America’s formerly great national parks would be better suited for golfers rather than “the mole people” that live in the region along with the “amount of Natives waiting to make a profit off their land.” These comments were leaked to the media by the far-left Mainstream Media operatives known as the “Daily Caller”.

President Trump held a rally nearby the Grand Canyon in Flagstaff, AZ where he further elaborated his comments to high praise, “Have you seen the Grand Canyon? It’s such an eyesore, there’s nothing to do. It’s not like Lake Tahoe with their geysers and those deer with antlers that roam around freely on to traffic then BAM! Lots of blood, blood was everywhere in fact. So gruesome yet thrilling. Much better looking than Janet Reno.”

The Grand Canyon is a national landmark that is 277-mile long canyon and 18 miles wide which, like Canada, is a barren wasteland that has no natural resources to squander for. President Trump is correct in his assertions, as there is nothing useful about the land the Grand Canyon currently occupies, it could be improved by adding in a five-star hotel, a couple of resorts, 3-5 golf courses, maybe a mini-golf resort and movie theater for the kids, and perhaps a few Bed and Breakfasts for the impoverished travelers. All of these ideas won’t cover the entire Grand Canyon, but it’s a fresh start to what’s already not there. Arizona can certainly use the money to fund the border and by executing this gameplan, they can make money back on it too.

Many Democrats and African-American Supremacists have opposed this plan, calling it “unnatural” to make capitalism happen in one of the most boring places on Earth, let alone in the United States of America. Enron and Shell cannot do anything in the region for there is no oil to extract, and the coal industry in America is not strong enough in Arizona to justify more coal plants in the region. The next best thing is to make the area as luxurious as possible, for the Grand Canyon now is just a waste of real estate that would be in better hands of the Trump Administration and not some burrower humans.

It’s high time for Arizona to step up their GDP and prove to be a state that cares for Americans and doesn’t get sucked up by the liberal left coast corruption that is Washington, Oregon, and California. If Trump has considered selling Alaska to cut off the national debt, then major Grand Canyon modifications are also strongly possible. Aside from being a border state meant to protect us from them, Arizona can improve in many ways and cutting their losses with the so-called “Grand Canyon” would be the best way to start helping Make America Great Again. Let us commend President Trump for his bold, brave and modestly unconventional ventures to improve our country and make us dominant in the world’s affairs once again.

Dr. Seabass T. Gorka, Esq is the Bullshit News historian and correspondent for black supremacy extremist groups. He has had a storied career reporting on European Affairs from Hungary and is the number one expert on extremism across the globe. Bullshit News is excited for his well-endowed knowledge on extremism, and its relation to liberalism. He earned his Ph.D. in Prague and became a lawyer in America. He is a naturalized citizen of the United States and resides in Houston with his dog, Jefferey.

Old Town Road And The Death Of The American Dream From Liberal Fascism

Written By Roger Goodmen

For the last twelve weeks, America has faced a strong cultural challenge to one of its many beloved artistic movements, country music. The song “Old Town Road” by one “Lil Nas X” (our research could not determine what “Lil” “Nas” or the usage of the letter “X” all meant”) has been at the top of the “hip hop” charts, while also claiming to be a country song about horses, when it’s clearly a song about an old road with no maintained infrastructure due to government meddling. Normally we don’t cover the pernicious medium of rock and roll music on Bullshit News, but when a liberal fascist song like “Old Town Road” becomes enormously popular out of the blue, something is totally wrong.

To truly understand “Old Town Road” we need to view the song from a macroeconomics perspective. While Old Town Road claims to be a Country song, it is listed by the Billboard company as a “hip-hop trap” song. “Hip Hop” was created in the late 1970s by black anarchist radicals known as the “Sugarhill Gang”. The Sugarhill Gang were counterculture, meaning they teamed up with the nefariously evil drug-pushers more commonly known as the “Grateful Dead”, the term originating from the “band members” supporting drug overdoses with a graceful aesthetic, beautifying the War on Drugs and not treating it seriously as the health epidemic it really is. A known hip-hop artist is the popular millennial entertainer Kendrick Lamar, whom we had an interview with about his (unpopular for his community) decision to support Donald Trump in the 2016 election.

Then, of course, leads us to what the “trap” in “hip hop trap” music is. “Trap” music is a relatively recent phenomenon that refers to music to trap children into becoming lifetime welfare liberals that never leave their parents home for miscellaneous nonsensical reasons including “I can’t afford a home because the rent is too high” to “My persistent belief in Al Gore is preventing me from going to work today”. Trap music is not about instrumentation at all, it is merely the hip hop community’s response to Trump much like how “Punk music” was a response to the evils of communism and the fall of the USSR. Liberals love “trap music” because it is one of the few fields in life that the left has any form of propaganda or mind control in order to obtain voters, with trap music being the newest iteration in a long history of proselytizing young Republicans into opposing the establishment.

So “Old Town Road” is popular because of its “Hip Hop Trap” genre that blends into country, the second most Christian musical genre after the holy gospel but one of the most American of all music genres. One big question remains, why did the inventor of this song, the one “Lil Nas X”, create this song, and who in the DNC funded this man? Lil Nas X cannot possibly be considered his real name, but he is not referred to by anyone else. Since he is an artist, he cannot possibly be making millions or even thousands of dollars, and yet his song remains #1 on the charts for over 3 months, a feat that has only been done once previously by that English band from the ’60s named after a Volkswagon Car that also popularized anti-American sentiment. With Lil Nas X only being 19 years old, he cannot possibly have achieved this much success alone with a short song with country-influenced “hip hop”. No, I’m not suggesting there is a conspiracy at play here, for we know the music industry hates conservatism and religious liberty, but that the Democratic Party is actively supporting rebellion against the status quo and encouraging their naive fanbase that Lil Nas X is their next God and soon-to-be President.

The American Dream has long been a reason for why many Americans continue to persevere with intense motivation to fulfill their lifelong dreams.  Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” is a disgusting satire, an insult to farmers, country music fans, and the hard-working poor and middle-class Americans that struggle to get by because of Nancy Pelosi and her evil “San Francisco counterculture” politics. The continued popularity of his song is a threat to America’s stability as a world power and to the country music industry in Nashville as a whole. If they let Lil Nas X into the Grand Ole Opry, the entire country, and maybe even the Trump Administration, will be at stake. The Democrats want to shake up the country and start a civil war before their inevitable defeat in the 2020 Presidential Election, and Lil Nas X is the tank commander to lead the Democrats into fascism, their only method to win elections and to influence feeble-minded “Americans”.

Finally, Happy 4th of July to every American out there in the world! Without our Declaration of Independence, we would all be speaking British by now, or would we be speaking Brexitlish? Regardless, every American should be proud they aren’t located in anywhere else but our beloved home in the USA. Fire your fireworks with precaution, but not in safe spaces!!

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.

Point/Counterpoint: Vaccinations

Written by Sid Phyllis and Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

In the latest of Bullshit News’s long-running award-winning debate series Point/Counterpoint, new Bullshit News correspondent Sid Phyllis and our in-house doctor/lawyer Steven T. Clements debate a newly hot topic that has flustered families across America: vaccines. While vaccines have claimed to cure polio, measles, cholera, etc, there also have been some startling discoveries that vaccines might, in contrast to the liberal science media, can cause some other diseases like cancer, autism, and bromidrosis. So where is the truth between all the other layers of truth? Sid and Dr. Clements debate.


 

POINT: Vaccines have been used extensively since Jonas Salk created the vaccine by Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s selfish idea to radically inflate the United States’ economy over the Great Depression in 1939 as a tax write-off.

COUNTERPOINT: Vaccines have been proven to be lethal in many controlled experiments. In every experiment on vaccinations, 100% of the participants are likely to be deceased in eighty years time. That’s frightening.

POINT: With vaccinations, polio was eradicated along with smallpox, measles, and dysentery. Without vaccines, we could all be dying quicker, which isn’t Christian.

COUNTERPOINT: The common cold is one of the most deadly forms of bacteria around, and yet vaccines cannot “end” the common cold with their “flu shots”. What’s the use?

POINT: Without vaccines, we might have more people dead than all of the abortions put together in the last three years.

COUNTERPOINT: The total amount of abortions in the past three years can’t be qualified because the data for it is not there, an uncountable amount of abortions were committed. We cannot go into “what-ifs” in terms of vaccines, it’s all about the safety. We must be safe before using needles, we all learned this in high school.

POINT: Vaccines have saved many God-loving Jesus-endorsed Christian children, much more than any abortion could prevent.

COUNTERPOINT: Vaccines have also saved an equal number of God-hating Islamic Barbarians that threaten our countries unity.

POINT: Vaccinations have become a national issue over the years because of fears that liberals have increased Mercury and Lead levels in vaccines in order to create mystical “spectrums” that give children a large range of learning disabilities that can only be solved from liberal entrapment otherwise known as “Crystal Healing”. The one place that cures “unruly vaccinations” is located in Marin County, California, a place known for being so liberal that ISIS and the Taliban congregate to plot how to instill terrorism every year in a conference called “TerrorCon”.

COUNTERPOINT: There is no scientific basis that “vaccinations” have ever been considered safe, yet there isn’t a known correlation between vaccinations and terrorism.

POINT: Vaccines cannot possibly be good for us because liberal fascism demands that every American child that goes to a public school must be vaccination. That is not true freedom, it imprisons the liberty of our children and prevents them from being the free Americans they ought to aspire to be from their History books.

COUNTERPOINT: Children can die without being vaccinated, but they can also just get really sick instead. It is better to be extremely sick without being vaccinated once than to get vaccinated and never get sick.

POINT: Autism never existed before the process of Vaccinations was created.

COUNTERPOINT: Neither has gonorrhea or nuclear power.

POINT: Let’s be honest, the America we know and love was perfected in an era where no one worried about Spanish Flu or The English Disease or cancer. There were no vaccinations either. And you know what? We all lived perfectly fine and healthy. It was only until liberals ushered in a public health crisis by inventing vaccinations to intoxicate our children into being communist childless subordinates.

COUNTERPOINT: Ever notice how a “vaccine” is a needle? Needles are primarily used as a means for a drug to enter your body and disrupt your body’s normally healthy process of living sustainment. HIV is just one of many diseases that can be created in the body as a result of needles. If vaccinations were truly 100% healthy and not Marin County Quack Doctorery, they would not be needles!

POINT: Liberals are actually more likely to undergo a “religious exemption” test to avoid vaccinations because they are aware of the dangers and evil inherent within those devices. They maliciously want young Republican Christian children to die in suffering and agony.

COUNTERPOINT: Liberals can’t possibly be too smart to make vaccines dangerous for the future of our children, they must only be in it for the money.


As you can tell, the process and implementation of vaccinations have been quite a hotbed of controversy not only in the political world but in the scientific one as well. We may never truly know the answers to what really happens in the vaccination process but as long as we are all better informed about all sides of this issue. As long as you make the correct decision for your child and raise them right, that’s what really matters. Parenting is about nurturing and supporting your child in the Christian tradition,  and making sure they are not under threat of Antifa or malicious liberals hellbent on making some money unethically.

Sid Phyllis is Bullshit News’s newest correspondent in political affairs and our White House Correspondent. Sid grew up in Chicago and got sick of living in the big city and moved into a rural blue-collar state where the real America is. Instead of going to some elite four-year college, he started a consulting firm in Wyoming (Donavon and Phyllis Firm, or DP Firm) that quickly became the #1 best firm in the state. Sid joined Bullshit News for his qualifications in understanding how the REAL Blue-Collar Americans think.

Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and works as a property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.

The Only People Who Should Be Afraid Of Torture Are Liberals (For Not Understanding Common Sense)

Written by Sgt. Abu Ghraib 

It’s an established fact in every American history textbook, the finest textbooks regarding history in the whole world, that the Democratic Party (DNC) is responsible for slavery (AKA racism) and their support for gentrification, gerrymandering, and abortion, also miss the boat when it comes to legal and proper use of Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, known in the mass media pop culture vernacular as “torture”. Of course, the United States would never use “torture” on any American citizen no matter their race, sexual orientation, or other. “Torture”, or EIT for short, is a broad subject and can be quite elaborate to talk about in great detail. I was hired by Bullshit News to do my best to describe the history and proper ritual of EIT, so here we go!

EIT, that’s T for techniques not “torture”, is conducted only when the enemy, typically a committed “hater” of American values and decency, someone that truly hates freedom and Democracy that decided to become a higher up in the military rule of a terrorist country, commonly a Godless Islamic Barbarian type to boot, refuses to comply with the American government about details regarding their military or country that could give a benefit to American warfare. The information the convicted felon from another country is called “intelligence”, even though the enemy is often not very intelligent (because they are brainwashed by communist barbarians to hate Democracy and Freedom). If the enemy refuses to comply and offer the intelligence, then actions of EIT will be undergone to extract the intelligence. These actions are always interrogations well, actually enhanced interrogations, which implies that more force will be used is merely rhetorical and not indicative of any use of harm or alleged cruel and unusual punishment.

Now we really musn’t call it “torture”, that is merely a mainstream media buzzword for having a conflicting opinion about the tactics of war. Now, most journalists have never fought in a war, unlike me, so they don’t understand and have no clear idea about what happens when you’re fighting a war, especially in the desert. Should these hack mainstream media journalists at Breitbart really be the ones to judge warfare? And to have the so-called ethos to tell the public or “inside subscribers” to their access/extra-“gotcha journalism” about details like what goes on in Iraq, Afghanistan, or whatever country that happens to mettle with the might of the United States should not offer any opinions about warfare. Listen only to people that served, they know what happens. Civilians can’t easily comprehend the horrors I and every office in the military have seen. Believe us, not CNN.

Now that we got that all out of the way, we can talk briefly about the history of EIT. EIT was first mentioned and likely invented in Sun Tzu’s Art of War in the 5th Century Before Christ (BC). Sun Tzu merely wrote on the tools and techniques of EIT from his time, which has now evolved to include computers and social media websites.  Most of the time period between Sun Tzu and the War of Independence is largely irrelevant and can be explained in better detail by the Bible and a page or two in the Quran. Just know that George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and all the great Founding Fathers of there time universally agreed on two things, the Bill of Rights and approval of EIT. Such use of EIT was how this country was informed, and so long as other citizens weren’t conducting EIT on each other, then there should be no controversy. This is what lead to the creation of the 3rd and 8th Amendments.

Perhaps the greatest practitioners in the art of EIT were the brain trust of the Bush Administration, one of America’s most successful governments not just by GDP growth, but as the administration with the greatest exporting of freedom and liberty by any government in recorded human history. Lead by the one and only President George W. Bush, the only man on 9/11/2001 to steer our country away from Terror and Anarchic Communist Terrorism and propel America into an even stronger Democracy and Freedom exporting country than Osama Bin Laden and his ISIS/ISIL followers could spread terrorism and their Godless Islamic Barbarianism.

Those within the brain trust include his Vice-President Dick Cheney who was personally responsible for strengthening the Bush Administrations use of EIT and wrote many, many dissertations on the subject, Donald Rumsfeld who was called “The Architect” of EIT in the Bush Administration, Rumsfeld helped eased media and public tension regarding the knowns and unknowns (as well as the known knowns and unknown knowns and the unknown unknowns) and means of acquiring intelligence through any means otherwise not detailed during the Geneva Convention or similar peace protocols.

We can spend another 1,000 words about how the Bush Administration essentially reinvented EIT, so I won’t talk any more on it. But if you, the loyal and faithful reader of Bullshit News ever wants to learn more about the success of the Bush Administration or Enhanced Interrogation Techniques, the local library is usually located in your city or census-designated place and will have books about it, nothing you can ever find in those darn Obamaphones!

But I digress. Hopefully, you have learned more about EIT and the success the United States of America has been conducting it since the tragic morning of September 11th, 2001. But I also must inform you that the opponents of EIT, who again are the inane liberals over at the Democratic Party, don’t understand the benefits and success EIT has given to our country, unlike you–the faithful and well-educated patriotic reader. Thank you. Thank you for understanding how America works, unlike the phony liberals that threaten to destroy our countries unity on a daily basis.

 

Sgt. Abu Ghraib is Bullshit News’ newest Correspondent, providing expert analysis and thought-out opinions about the on-going threats of the War on Terror and the Godless Islamic Barbaric Terrorists that conduct it. Whether it’s Morocco, Israel, Iraq, Palestine, Las Vegas or Iran, Abu fought in the Iraq War and enjoyed it so much he went to Afghanistan where he is stationed today in Kabul. Abu was born and raised in Macon, Georgia to prove all the “haters’ that bullied him in his high school that he was much more American than they are, and never looked back. Abu is currently on inactive duty, eagerly waiting for his name to be called at any moment.

First Fatal Marijuana Overdose Reported In San Pedro, California

Written by Mortimer E. Wallecaster

Once thought to be a “safe” drug with “medicinal value”, a marijuana death was reported in the mid-sized city in Los Angeles County, California overnight. The death of the majorly drug-addicted young man, aged 36, is Xhris Winthrop. Xhris was much like any other “normal marijuana user”, he pretended to have a job to pay off his debts to his drug dealer and his community college, or both. Xhris was like any marijuana-addled teenager, trying to become a personal trainer in order to acquire capital to hopefully find a mate to copulate with and create more productive hard-working Americans that vote Republican. Instead, Xhris’s dreams were crushed by smoking too much marijuana, choking his lungs to a point where Xhris could no longer breathe due to the heavy marijuana smoke that riddled his rented apartment. He is survived by his mom, Erica Winthrop, and his step-sister, Jessica.

The Democrats and the millennial youth are promoting drug culture in America at a time where the War on Drugs is becoming deadlier and deadlier. Democrats claim that laws against drug use are actually racist, which doesn’t make any sense. As we all know, Donald Trump banned racism in 2018. Any further use of drugs past that point cannot be connected to the absolute horrors of racism and acts merely as a strawman for the ineptitude of the Democrat Party “thought” process. Marijuana, for the millennials unaware of the danger, is a no ordinary drug. It is a gateway drug, a drug that makes you believe other dangerous drugs like Heroin and Cocaine are acceptable and won’t kill you. It isn’t a gateway to Heaven as the addicts would like you to believe, it is a gateway to hell, where sinners and heavy metal fanatics live and play their jazz music all the time. Marijuana controls your thought process into doing more marijuana until you are “fed up with your highs” and decide to “munch on” a deadlier high. Xhris is merely the first person to succumb to the true dangers of marijuana that have been in scientific studies since the late 1930s.

Xhris was merely a casualty in a war that cares not for humanity but cares for the end of human normalcy. The drug culture that swept America in the 1960s has permeated over the American consciousness today. Once President Nixon declared that drugs were a serious threat to the American economy, efforts to maximize drug illegalization initiated, and have prevented an upwards of over two million deaths in America since. Sadly, Xhris was not one of those easily preventable deaths, even if he only used the “safe drug” that is/was marijuana. But as we mourn his grave, his death gives us all a stark reminder that no drug can ever be truly “safe” for consumption. Drugs alter your brain’s chemistry leading to poor decision making and creating a more difficult thought process. To be wise is to abstain from all drugs and going to Church every Sunday to wash away any unneeded sins that someone like Xhris would use drugs for comfort instead of taking the easier route to go to Church on Sundays. If only Xhris did that, he would probably still be alive today.

It is unfortunate now that Xhris is a martyr for the marijuana drug culture, even being considered a “hero” and a “legend” for his unremarkable ability to consume vast quantities of marijuana. The hippies on the left have no regard for life, which explains their radical support for abortion, or the killing of unborn children. But now we all know that marijuana, the king of all gateway drugs, can still kill. It is morally irredeemable for Democrats to claim that Marijuana and its “CBD” cousin are healthy and “medical” for people that claim they need medical assistance. What’s next from the Democrat Party, Medical Alcohol? Prescriptions for Cocaine and Heroin to cure cancer? LSD for infants? This is the future presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren want when they mean they want to end the War on Drugs, they want the drugs to win.

Drugs kill, no matter the drug. The Democrat Party wants to keep moving America towards an unsafe overdose of narcotics. The Republican Party, the party that actually cares for American progress, wants to make sure you and your kids are safe and free from all drugs. Abstinence is the best and only system to instill a clean mind, and marijuana is not an exception. Xhris Winthrop, unfortunately, learned it the hard way, but unlike the Democrat Party, he at least can learn from his mistakes in the afterlife, if he’s lucky enough to be accepted into Heaven after being a drug fiend. Don’t end up like Xhris kids, WINNERS DON’T DO DRUGS.

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month allowing only nine earned runs.