Bastion Of Law And The Sacred Roy Moore Loses Election To Abortion-Endorser Gun-Stealer Democrat Doug Jones

Written by Dan Shapiro

It is with great displeasure that Bullshit News announces today that Roy Moore, former Alabama Attorney General, lost the Alabama Senate election to an ABORTION-SUPPORTING PLANNED PARENTHOOD JIHAD-FAVORING DEMOCRAT, Doug Jones. The people of Alabama have spoken, but have listened to the lies of the mainstream media and believed that hard-on-crime Roy Moore was a “pedophile”. Such cable propaganda hurts not just this election, but the Republican party. Roy Moore was only accused of pedophilia, and such accusations without evidence violate our nation’s prideful libel laws. Roy Moore ought to sue, but he knows what to do since he has 30+ years of legal expertise and analysis.

However, the Republican party still has a firm grip on the House, but their grasp of the Senate has taken a step back. Now is only the time for the Republican Party to push forward! We must be united through liberal backlash! We must move on and quickly from this election, we have a country to save. The liberals can take a Senate seat, but we will strike back with more power and money then the DUMB-O-CRATS can imagine.

Lastly, happy Hannukkah to all of our Jewish supporters. May you all find a time to find Jesus Christ in your life so you can be saved.

Dan Shapiro is the Bullshit News correspondent on Republican Party Politics and that Middle Eastern issue everyone blabbers about. Dan Shapiro went to Yale and graduate at the top of his class with his charming wit and intellectual knowledge about political issues. Dan Shapiro is best known to own liberals with his vast and mighty brain. He lives in New York City.

 

War On Christmas Records First Casualty Since 1979

Written by Rachel Gilfords

The War On Christmas, initiated by the F.D.R Administration as part of the New Deal to “stimulate job growth”, has created a personal tragedy to the Adams family. Little Diego Adams was only 8 years old when CHRISTMAS carolers came to his family’s door to sing a carol to young Diego when all of the carolers ripped off their masks and revealed themselves as the marauding Antifa Holiday Peddler-Bandits, a mischief group of young college-aged Atheists acting against Christmas and God-fearing Protestants everywhere. Little Diego was taken away from his home, and was reported to be sodomized, lobotomized, and beaten to death for being a Christian who had the audacity to say, “Merry Christmas”. This is the second casualty of the War on Christmas, the first occurred when a member of the American Family Association was gunned down by a Godless Islamic heathen at church in Baldwyn, Mississippi.

Senseless tragedies like this cannot be exploited for unethical purposes. Diego died with dignity, and the extremely downhearted Adams family would not like your grubby liberal handouts via GoFundMe or Kickstarter or whatever. They are still grieving from this tragedy and all the mainstream media can talk about is that Starbucks and other disgusting liberal corporations (the greedy fascists Muslims that they are) REFUSE to say a simple politically correct “Merry Christmas”. We have human beings that are DYING because of the Atheist’s agenda to secularize our God-fearing country.

The next time a liberal loony tells you that no one is harmed because of the War on Christmas, call them out for who they are, a gosh-darned liar who takes pleasure from striking fear in the hearts of God-loving Americans and Christians who know about the sanctity of their beloved Holiday. It is crass to defame Christians in this holy time of the year where Jesus Christ was created in our world. We were born to share his glory over his loss, and we cannot take away his name for the benefit of Jews, Muslims, and Black People who demand to have holidays the same time as Jesus’s birth. Blood has been shed, and this senseless violence has got to end.

Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent, On-Field Reporter and a War On Christmas analyst. She has covered Afghanistan and Iraq in one year and has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Roger Ailes. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.

BREAKING: Starbucks Issues Corporate Fatwa Against Christmas, Christians

Written By Don Kaftan, Editor-In-Chief and Founder

Starbucks, known for their portrayal of indigenous people for coffee, which is not at all a symbolism of their undisclosed illegal immigrant (and by proxy, child) labor, has issued a corporate fatwa that ensures customers to have a happy “holidays” and not Christmas. A Fatwa, for those that do not study Godless Islamic Terrorism, is an Islamic statement typically involving a harsh punishment of some cruel and unusual treatment. This is a direct attack on Americans everywhere that celebrate Christmas to honor our capitalist tradition of spending money frivolously, carefully, and freely. It is what being American is all about, and Starbucks wants this practice to end. We, at Bullshit News, would like to issue a boycott of all Starbucks coffee, equipment, tires, merchandise, whatever has that illicit queer alien lesbian logo slapped on a sticker or whatever, Starbucks is defaming America, and must be stopped.

Coffee is something that can be easily made at home from a “coffee maker”. Luckily, there are various alternative outlets for our ubiquitous natural amphetamine, and we do not need to purchase our coffee from Islamists that want to deprecate on American values. Their refusal to not put Christmas imagery on their cups is a minor but fair reason to boycott Starbucks, but their latest fatwa is a spit to Lady Liberty herself. They do not want to treat Jesus Christ (blessed in his name) with the dignity and respect he brought when he morally saved our founders from going to hell for owning slaves. Starbucks does not acknowledge Jesus and idealizes the terrorists winning.

We must not stand silent in acts of extreme prejudice placed upon us by Starbucks. We must fight back with our wallets, and refuse to acknowledge the world’s most common LIBERAL coffee company. It’s time for an international boycott to prevent Starbucks of funding the War on Christmas or the next intifada. Starbucks must face what it’s like to defame Christmas and Christians everywhere and must suffer the consequences of it. No crisis management PR firm can save them now, not even Jesus.

Don Kaftan is the founder of Bullshitnews.org.  He specializes in Mainstream Media Criticism, Foreign Policy, and Presidential Administrations. Don Kaftan says Merry Christmas to all, and so should you.

Roy Moore Is Innocent, Hounded By Liberal Media Over Nothing

Written by Mortimer E. Wallacaster

The special election for the Alabama Senate seat occurs on December 12th is an unusually hotly contested one. The democrat, Doug Jones, is an acknowledged dead-man walking to receive unsolicited donations and other dark money from his “SuperPac” by the time his election is lost. Our new Republican senator from Alabama, Roy Moore, has been attacked by the rabid dogs of the mainstream media to delegitimize the Alabama Supreme Court Justice’s remarkable experience for the position. The liberals really want to elect a Democrat into office, which when I last recall was when Jim Crow was still alive, in order to invoke a civil war and find more ways to attack our democracy.

Roy Moore has been hit with scandals about allegations regarding sexual assault/harassment and even more bogus allegations about pedophilia. This is simply an attack on pious Roy Moore’s larger-than-life character. Which is very embarrassing coming from Demo-ugh Jones “professional” career in paralegal activities. Roy Moore’s character is better than some RINOS in office, putting “God first, family then country” which makes Moore morally more methodological than liberals. These alleged allegations of abuse “happened” over thirty years ago, so why bother hollering anybody about it now? The only answers I can think of are money and wanting to support the systemic crony-capitalist system Democrats want to abuse on the American people once again.

The future of Alabama must continue through Roy Moore, who has already guided the law-abiding state free from immoral and unclean forces of evil. The attacks on Roy Moore’s background and character are insulting from Democrats that are so desperate enough to win an election, in Alabama no less, by insinuating that Roy Moore is a pedophile. This is preposterous and abhorrent of a rival political party to repeatedly attack a politician and Supreme Court Justice no less as a “pedophile”. These sickening rumors have gotten to the Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to condemn Roy Moore over allegations. The law does not make decisions instantly, it waits for a decision to be crafted by the judge, and Roy Moore has not been tried or convicted of any wrongdoing, especially in regards to hurting minors, sexually or otherwise. It is pernicious to attack Roy Moore otherwise. If the allegations were correct, Roy Moore would be prosecuted, but this has never happened to him in his life, so such allegations are incorrect and patently offensive.

Alabama is going to have a bright future, and it will be in good hands over Roy Moore over that scoundrel convicted ebebophile Doug Jones. Vote for Roy Moore on December 12th, Alabama. Don’t forget to bring your voter ID!

Mortimer E. Wallacaster is the Bullshit News correspondent on history and contemporary cultural matters. He is a retired risk analyst from Goldman Sachs, and is loving retirement and every minute of it! Born under a full moon on June 26th, 1913, Mortimer has lived through two World Wars, and the Middle East thing that’s been happening over the years. Mortimer was once a minor league pitcher for the Boston Beaneaters and threw 47 complete games in a month.

It’s Nuke Iran Time!!

Written By Roger Goodmen

Iran is causing havoc in the Middle East again, with a modus operandi akin to ISIS. Iran is filled with a bunch of no good Jihad-happy sodomites with pseudo-Soviet mimicry of taking over the region by making Hezbollah control Lebanon like an abusive wife. Yes, that’s right my metaphor involves an abusive wife, unlike a “typical” abusive husband. Liberals will only point out the feminist demonizing-male aspect of domestic violence, proving that Democracks are hypocritical and prefer to present their stereotypes over what may be construed as a “minor” aspect of the problem. Like Iran, Democrats in cohorts with feminists and the feminist movement/agenda are some of the greatest threats to American culture, democracy, and life. It’s time to nuke them.

Iran has constantly gotten the easy pass for what seems like forty years now. When Saudi Arabia attacked America with help from the Jews on 9/11, we retaliated by going into Iraq, Afghanistan, and eventually Pakistan where we killed their leader, Osama Bin Laden. Our failed attempt to sanction them under the Obama regime to prohibit their Nuclear program has been a complete failure, and much like Iraq they are hiding weapons of mass destructions, and who knows if they tried to coy us (like Russia) and have already developed a nuclear missile. Liberalism and feminism can’t help us here! Iran might have nukes! WE must strike those bastards quickly and swiftly. Their army is overrated (I checked online and they can’t compare to our military at all!) and all can die from just one nuke anyways. They’re not like the cockroaches of Russia.

If Hillary was going to be a so-called “strong women president” then why would she invest in the Uranium 1 program in Iran? How could we have a president that deals with foreign businesses with terrorist-endorsing countries? Good thing President Trump only deals with golf courses in non-American countries. The world is filled with golf courses, baseball/football stadiums, and potential golf courses. Crater Iran into oblivion, and you got yourself a unique business opportunity that can potentially benefit our economy. We need to think of creative (NON-LIBERAL) ways to reduce the deficit since some people don’t want wasteful government spending (Medicare, Social Security, etc) to go away. This money is better used on a bomb to be dropped on Tehran.

Godless Islamic atheism is a scourge on our planet, and Iran remains one of the leaders behind this behemoth. However, the mainstream media legitimizes ISIS as the main threat. ISIS is weak and will soon be desolated, Iran is the true threat here. We demonstrated to the world America is not a force to be reckoned with in the twenty-first century. It’s time for step two in the War on Terror: Nuke Iran!

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near School with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.

Don’t Feel Alarmed: Climate Change/Global Warming/Al Gore Is Still A Liberal Hoax

Written by Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire

One of the best-kept secrets in the media is the monolithic liberal lie that our planet is in danger of getting hot or having “extreme” weather or whatever. Dangerous hurricanes happen every 10 years, Katrina, the Houston one, and it’s just something that citizens of those states afflicted from God’s wrath ought to be more prepared next time. The citizens don’t bring up legislation that could enable their state governments to build a bigger dam and pray better, that’ll help ya!!!

Weather gets hotter and it gets colder sometimes, it’s just the facts of nature. Earth is getting hotter as we get closer to the sun, so it’s natural that “global warming” is happening. Why do liberals want to make you riled up over this concept? To give money to solar energy companies started by people who barely got into our beautiful Garden of Eden of a country. They are striving to take away our hard-working American made natural gas and oil companies that define who we are as a country, and the liberals want to shake up our culture. It starts with gay marriage and it ends with the collapse of capitalism, the death of America herself. That is the future the Democrats want.

“Climate Change” is their next step propagating their mission to label weather redundancies to give a profit to those refugee toy lands they call the “Solar Energy” sector. The climate is constantly changing, so this phrase means nothing. I can’t explain this in any easier terms than that.

Al Gore is the leading man behind this conspiracy to defraud our American coal, natural gas and oil companies that are the backbone of our economy ahead of small businesses. This man is the definition of a sore loser, worse than Hillary. He can’t accept the fact that he lost an election fair and square and is determined to spend his millions of dollars earned from lobbying to spread “facts” about the weather and our planet to spread his agenda towards our God-loving citizens. He is a disgrace to the American flag and is a national shame. His junk science leads to corrosive conclusions that justify government spending, which we need to minimize to keep our country safe from government tyranny. Had Al Gore remember the Reagan maxim of the nine most terrifying words to ever be uttered, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help”, maybe he would have won the 2000 election and not try to solicit bribes from Greenland in the process.

There is a good reason why you never hear this liberal “Climate Change” crap in the news because it’s common sense and not newsworthy enough. These men and some women spend over 14 hours a day to present the news in a manner that the common man can understand. We here at Bullshit News don’t need to try to package the news and spoon feed you what we deem what is happening because we tell you exactly and explicitly what is happening in our day and age. We give you the news straight to the source. Trust us and you realize all the alternatives are similar, not just in content and story but in vocabulary. They air the same stories and cover the same topics, but thankfully they aren’t dumb enough to fall for the global warming trap.

Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law related subjects like privacy. He is a member of the Federalist Society.

Can Someone Nuke These North Korean Bastards Already?

Written By Sgt. Louie Gates II

I’m tired of Kim Jong-un’s white ass threatening to bomb our lovely United States of America with ICBM missiles and nukes. I was in the military for dozens of years, and let me tell you that the North Koreans have USSR technology, weapons of destruction so outdated they won’t be able to kill a badger no matter how hard they try. They’re naive but might possibly have a nuke makes them a threat to bring on the apocalypse. And the United States just can’t let that happen. Donald is a tough leader who loves the military as evidenced by the fact that a quarter of his staff are generals!*

And now North Korea is launching missiles on what is seemingly a once a week threat to the United States and our old enemy, Japan. No one else is stopping these North Korean bastards, cucking South Korea for nearly an eternity since their war. As a proponent of America First, America needs to send a statement to Kim Jong-un, and not from Twitter this time. This statement needs more than 140 or 280 characters, it needs plutonium.

Our military is strong and should not be mocked or be insulted from authoritarian fascists like Kim Jong-un. Our message to the pansy lame liberal countries at the United Nations will be that America does not tolerate fascism and especially communist fascists and North Korea will be made into an example of what America will do if you deny our freedoms and threaten our country with VCR weaponry. As Congress approves a $700 billion spending increase to our military, we will need to put good use for that reason to justify our deficit. All in all, it’s a fairly simple assignment.

Do not be wary of North Korean terrorist threats, they would not be clever to reenact ISIS truck attacks in Europe or, God forbid, 9/11. They can’t even fly a missile and hit Hawaii, barely even Japan! Let’s not think they can suddenly gain ahead in technology to be able to hit our beautiful country. No other country would bother to protect them, and China is hardly the party to initiate a war if it’s not about economics. Continue to mock these North Korean godless communists, because their words mean nothing.

AND STOP KNEELING!!

Sgt. Louie Gates II is Bullshit News’ correspondent on national security and military issues. He owns four Rottweilers and is a huge Boston Red Sox fan. He is faithful to his wife LaShawnda Gates and has two daughters. He served in the military and received a purple heart for his efforts to protect our country.

*As of September 27th, 2017