Nike Endorses Terrorism, Colin Kaepernick

Written by Rachel Gilfords

The infamous unemployed ex-quarterback and noted liberal Colin Kaepernick has returned just in time for football season. Not for a career comeback mind you, but to wreak havoc on the United States of America. Kaepernick will appear in a series of ads for Nike, a company that gives you the biggest reason to never trust anything that comes from the state of Oregon. Nike took corporate PR lessons from fatwa-inspired Starbucks in trying to garner the terrorist marketplace to wear their shoes instead of cutting off camel’s feet. And just like that, Nike opposes American values and supports socialism and the barbaric Godless Islamic Terrorists in the War on Terror.

Kaepernick has inspired no one but stoner hippies from Berkeley to be unemployed and donate money to terrorist causes such as Weather Underground, Antifa, and the Greenpeace Jill Steiners. Attached is a chart from a study generated from our in-house lawyer/doctor, Dr. Steven T. Clements Esq, on Berkeley’s rising unemployment since 2008.

BerkeleyUnemploymentRate

 

It is clear the widespread influence of formerly competitive athletes is particularly damning toward the East Bay suburb. But Berkeley is just a microcosm of the problem, which is that Colin Kaepernick supports ISIS with Nike as a beneficiary of their “activism”. No true American can oppose the War on Terror, and Kaepernick has knelt on that line because he is the Che Guevara t-shirt in American colleges. He is the new Fidel Castro, only he doesn’t have the widespread communist support of Cuba, which is still around and uninvaded. So Nike has decided to become “counter-culture” (anti-American) and create the new Che Guevara-inspired clothing to influence the college youth to vote liberal. This is immorberal.

Unemployment is not supposed to be an enjoyable, solidarity moment of political tribalism. It is a horrific rite of passage that sparks fear in every American to not turn into a homeless bum pedaling for pennies. Having a job and earning an income is part of the American experience, and now Kaepernick is shamelessly exploiting our hard-working capitalist enterprise which has the strongest economy in the entire globe which took 242 years to build from the ground-up. Nike supports this endeavor: homelessness, taxing the upper-middle incomes, and adherence to the Islamic tradition. While he may no longer be permitted to kneel on the turf, he can at least work forty plus hours a week like a real hard-working patriot that loves this country. Socialism is a disease on the rise, and Colin Kaepernick is a symptom that is infecting this country worse than syphilis.

The value of hard work in an economy as strong as ours is a symbol of how unified we all are against tyrannical liberals who want abortion legalized along with prostitution, gambling, and horsecollar tackles. They have no morals, no standards, and hardly have a shred of dignity with Nancy Pelosi roaming around. It is clear that the Democratic Party is in decay, and Nike will help them out by any means necessary. Even if it means uplifting the unemployed union-endorsing Kaepernick to be their icon of their anti-War on Terror movement. It is a great shame of capitalism to allow this to happen, but also somehow permissible. Bullshit News does not permit this, as any act of public advocacy that Colin Kaepernick enters is inherently unethical because of his embrace of socialism and governments that are not America. Nike could have been a normal shoe company and ignored the former quarterback but has decided to embrace him and every anti-American idea that he kneels for.

Exposing Kaepernick’s rhetoric to your children will lead them to believe that ISIS has a right to exist and for Christianity to fall because of its supposed societal ills. The Kaepernick fable does have a moral you can share with your children: never trust someone who is unemployed. They will have an agenda, and shove it in your face until you conform to their liberal views on life and their view on “hard work”. Don’t hand out money to someone that doesn’t give you a service and sits on a street, and instead give it to a corporation that deserves it, like New Balance.

Rachel Gilfords is Bullshit News’ White House Correspondent and On-Field Reporter. She has covered the horrific tragedy of 9/11 and was at Ground Zero at 5:45AM, before any other reporter in all news media. Rachel has received acclaimed conservative awards and adoration from Rupert Murdoch. Rachel knows for certain that Bullshit News has a ‘no bullshit policy’ towards sexual harassment.

San Francisco Seeks Out A Total Ban On All Knives To Curb Violence Problem

Written by Dr. Steven T. Clements, Esq

The liberally-confused democrat “citizens” of Nancy Pelosi County, San Francisco, who are already in the midst to ban plastic straws for killing baby dolphins, has looked for another failure to curb their ever-rising crime rate, which jumped up exponentially after the city taxed guns out of existence. According to evidence from my study on gun violence over the decades by analyzing crime data, the frequency and occurrence of violent crimes, and the scientific method, San Francisco’s crime rate has increased rapidly, and hit new highs under the Obama Administration.

SanFranciscoCrimeRate
San Francisco, a beacon for unreported criminal activity, has struggled with crime ever since they initiated the one party voting system in 1976.

 

San Francisco banned guns in a failed attempt to end their violence problem, but as logic would dictate, their problems got worse. London Breed, mayor of San Francisco, believes the next step forward is a total ban on all knives, trying to stop the violence one sharp object at a time. But how will that work? The violent felons, immune to being arrested because of San Francisco’s libertarian history, will create new weapons and with the help of Silicon Valley, become millionaires in the process. This ban will solve nothing, and will only make violence worse but yet slightly more profitable. The move to ban plastic straws makes sense in this context, as they can be sharpened by a knife to increase their potential deadliness.

Many call San Francisco a “progressive city”, which is nothing more than a dog-whistle term for a city that openly embraces socialism. The Democrats are hardly new to this kind of information warfare by inserting dog-whistle phrases to push a more emotional kind of argument as well as getting their base triggered into acting on their violent intentions. San Francisco is really a “regressive” city that acts as a nanny welfare state. The homeless are around to roam and poop freely, and the police act as their security guards to protect them among the violent but diverse population. In spite of their many problems, they are one of the few liberal cities that can generate money because of the new age “tech” movement. Despite their newfound wealth, their citizens remain angry about miscellaneous details wrong with the Trump Administration and the old-fashioned Al Gore hoax.

Not all are opposed to this ludicrous ban on many people’s favorite kitchen utensil. One opponent of this ban, concerned citizen Richard White, is one of the last few Republicans remaining in San Francisco. Richard and a few of his cohorts were outside of San Francisco City Hall chanting, “Knives come, knives go, You can’t take our knives, San Francisco!”. I was there at this rare moment of Republican civil unrest and had to document the very rare occasion by interviewing the brave Mr. White.


 

Dr. Steven Clements, Esq: Why does San Francisco want to ban knives? Don’t they eat steak out here?

Richard White: San Francisco doesn’t believe in self-protection. They would rather let you die in the streets then filling out a death certificate or taxing the poor. They don’t like knives for the same reason they banned guns in the 70’s, “to stop the violence that is plaguing our lives”.

Dr. Steven Clements, Esq: How do you survive in a city where the homeless are better protected more than the citizens?

Richard White: The only good thing about these new tech companies is that they made it so that people don’t need to leave their homes ever again. From Uber and Doordash to Tinder, we can go by our daily needs by the whim of a smartphone without the fear of getting robbed in broad daylight by a felon with scissors or the next worse thing.

Dr. Steven Clements, Esq: Wow, I’ve never heard of any of those words before. Smartphone? Uber? Tinder? DoorWhat? I know of Netscape.

Richard White: Technology advances faster in a city where the liberals care more about the government then the well-being of the people. Sadly, I can’t order a gun with my phone, but hopefully, we’ll all be able to one day.

Dr. Steven Clements, Esq: Do you think the knife ban will pass?

Richard White: Probably, and it won’t solve anything. I happen to like using my knives for eating meat and other food but clearly, the Board of Supervisors wants everyone to maintain a paleo-food based diet or for people to use their smartphones to cook and order their food. But I know the smartphones can’t help you when the Second Amendment can when you need it!


The San Francisco Board Of Supervisors will move to vote on the total ban on knives on September 10th, where Richard and his small base of Republican supporters plan to rally once more. They hope to garner bipartisan support against this ridiculous motion to ban kitchen appliances in the name of safety and security. As for now, Bullshit News is putting up a travel advisory to the San Francisco Bay Area for their unreasonable expectation that everyone entering the San Francisco  Region cannot carry a firearm, and possibly knives in the near future in violation of the Second Amendment. Our American right to self-defense is more important than technology and its liberal flaws.

Dr. Steven Clements, Esquire is Bullshit News’s legal scholar and property management expert witness for a side-gig. He spent a long time in college and law school to be properly educated about serious subjects like tax codes and property law related subjects like privacy and water slippages. After law school, he decided he wanted to learn more about life and became a doctor in medicine. He is a lifelong member of the Federalist Society and the National Rifle Association.

 

Children Should Start Working Today If They’re Serious About Going To College

Written by Gilbert Miser

Children in our society suffer dearly from audacious liberals and their threats to discharge firearms inappropriately in public spaces. New generations will always have different new and more threatening challenges to liberal fascism and the radical Godless Islamic Barbarianism that follows it. Children also suffer through college, a process of accumulating debt and radicalization process where the children learn their liberal confirmation biases and act accordingly. These new generation children don’t care about social order, they care about their phones and the Facebook-Twitter “IG” websites, all following a hollow liberal agenda they call, “sliding into your DM’s (sic)“. Perhaps if these millennial children don’t want to get into debt, they should start getting a job unlike their NFL quarterback icon “Colin Kaepernick” and should work early, preferably between ages 3 to 5.

Our country has a long proud tradition of labor and productivity, and children played a “small” hand in the history. Children worked very well in dangerous conditions in mines, steel mills, and other areas near potential hazards. Nowadays, there are many service industry and fast food jobs available that always hire due to the lack of educational or social experience needed for such roles. With a more educated workforce, there is less of a need for these service jobs, and a demand for more robots and AI to eventually replace the children. There will always be a demand for cheap child labor so your careers will be recession-proof. And there’s no better time to learn how to be a productive member of society then learning how to file taxes before learning your ABC’s. It’ll seriously impress your parents!

Capitalism is one of the greatest inventions in the last hundred or so years of Christian civilization. It has given the poor a reason to live, the middle class its existence, and allowed the elderly to live longer and healthier. We actively encourage our children to not work until they’re between 15-18, which is unreasonable with our Obama-ruptured economy. The Obama Regime has let the cost of living rise to nearly unsustainable levels. If children don’t start working now, they’ll be no more than wandering debt nomads and nothing less then a lost generation. Therefore, children should adopt early and quickly to the economy and start working now before they lose out on their 401K and social security.

Alternatively, we can elect to make colleges more expensive because these minds with their dollars are a terrible thing to waste. Many of these public universities are overcrowded, which means you need to spend more money on professors that demand salary increases each year or they strike and waste more money. The government simply can’t afford these rising costs on universities, so either we must tear down each one, frack the land to extract value on the property, and sell it to a responsible landowner who can better use the land. Or, we can make universities more expensive and remove the clutter of the working class who are known to struggle paying loans with interest. To remove the national debt from our problems, we need to think long and hard about where the government spends exorbitant amounts of money. Education is always one of the pricer bits, along with the newly fermented Obamacare. And with Obamacare’s seemingly immunities, education is the next best industry to be given a budget cut.

That begs the question, is college truly still worth it? Only if you can afford it. If you can’t afford it, you can still have a job and be the productive member of society everyone expects you to be. But if you can’t afford college, then perhaps let your children work for your tuition before the costs continue to add up.

Gilbert Miser is the Bullshit News financial and economics correspondent. His billionaire parents both died under mysterious circumstances when he was two. As the only child, he inherited all of their wealth and became the youngest multi-billionaire in the whole world. He was formerly a major broker with Lehman Brothers and MF Broker before retiring from the banking industry to become a part-time writer for Bullshit News. He owns a Yorkie named “Gunner” in Manhattan.

The Environment Is Just Fine; Stop Worrying About It

Written by Roger Goodmen

It’s no secret that “Al Gore” wants to promote the Big Science industry in promoting his Global Warming myth. Big Science has been more active than ever promoting the myths of Global Warming by extensively observing the environment and discovering the shocking fact that it changes over time. Scientists desperate for cash will do anything to make America pay attention to their baseless conspiracy theories. The environment is fine, and we’re not doing enough to take better use of it.

Consider “fracking”, or hydraulic fracturing for short. Fracking is a natural process of the environment by which the ground ejects oil for human consumption in a process called “photosynthesis”. Big Science will say that fracking is horrible for the environment, which is already being decimated by the “Global Warmings” and the “Climate Changes”, while also saying that our money is best used to conserve the environment rather than letting the invisible hand of capitalism regulate the planet as God intended. These scientists claim they want to make the planet “safer for our children”, but pay no attention to their creed, they merely want more money from their lobbyists and from the greatest hoaxer of all time, “Al Gore”. It is a liberal agenda to dismantle our country’s long and prideful history of oil reserves, and getting rid of oil and energy industry permanently is their goal.

But there are no studies that conclude that “fracking” is harmful. And in more ways than one, fracking helps stimulate the job sector and allows America to be less dependent on Godless Islamic Heathens and their only source of income. Fracking helps the terrorists lose, and that is a better case for “fracking” to remain legal then listening to Big Science and their political agenda to take over the United States with their anti-Trump agenda. Why else would elitist scientists hate America gaining more money, and for the American people to have jobs? Scientists live in their own bubble and mess with chemicals for a living in an enclosed lab, away from the rest of humanity. They should not have a say in what goes on in our lives. They should stick to writing long papers about subjects only other scientists care about, which clearly is not economics, or putting the American people in their hearts.

Many of you are also aware of the Coal industry, and Donald Trump’s best efforts to restore a long-lost traditional American job sector that the Obama Regime tried to kill permanently. Coal is a cheap and powerful form of energy that ensures that our trains run on time and remain in operation. Barack Obama falsely concluded that coal was harmful “for our environment” (there goes that rhetorical device of his again) and that we had “better, greener solutions” for our energy. This is just one method of Big Science implementing their liberal agenda haplessly on the American public, trying to make millions of Americans lose their jobs so they can go play with Play-Dohs and the un-American brick toy Lego “to better help the environment”. What are these “green jobs” scientists claim exist, and if they are so effective and money-making for our economy, why haven’t they completely phased out coal for them? The answer is simple: coal is much more effective than a bunch of wind turbines moving the air that generates little for our budget.

Big Science will use big words and insufferably long explanations to try to convert you to being a liberal. They will coerce you into thinking that their method is more reliable “for our lives” than the invisible hand of capitalism. Scientist thinking is allowing children to engage in intercourse with other children in order to “better preserve our environment” (for liberal voters). This is what they call their “hypothesis”. If scientists really know what’s best for the world, they would be economists helping solve our looming national debt crisis. Thankfully, President Trump is aware of all this scientist bunk and is a president that actually cares about our economy and those formerly lost coal jobs Trump has brought back. Unlike scientists, Donald Trump has actually operated and owned many businesses of varying economic sectors and is more aware of the economy than any Al Gore-truther ever could.

When it comes to settling down and having a lifelong job, who would you rather trust, a group of white-coated glasses-wearing nerdy elitist Scientists? Or the President of the United States who knows what’s best for the American people who voted him into office? With economics factored in, there’s no need to worry about the environment, it’s doing fine. Hell, the environment is phenomenal and really doesn’t deserve any more attention then it needlessly gets from The Weather Channel. Liberals should not follow the creed of Colin Kaepernick and should find a job instead. I hear the coal industry is hiring!

Roger Goodmen is an intern for Bullshitnews.org. He is a Senior at George Mason University double majoring in Political Science and Economics. Roger is a person of color and is not afraid of living in liberal reality with his hardcore anti-establishment conservative bully pulpit. He currently lives in an apartment near GMU with his feline-of-color cat named Carlos.